Today tears are just a breath away.
I feel
I feel something I can’t quite put
my finger on.
Sadness and remorse. Some pain is
just outside my focus and I can’t seem to see what it is.
But it’s deep.
It’s very deep.
So I talk it out, try to identify
the source. Not sure I want to but I know this.
When it starts I need to pay
attention because it tends to grow and get out of control.
I don’t like the monster it becomes.
Yeah I know that darkness.
Not sure the source, unfulfilled
dreams, disappointment, desires unmet, longing and pain, expectations unreachable,
loneliness.
Long list of possibilities there.
And I’m so tired.
I know that when I am weary I am
weak.
Vulnerable. Even more than
normal.
And my senses are working overtime
to try and feel the presence of God, my God.
I listen to my programs and get
instruction from Him.
I know He is present.
But there is such a huge hole in me
still.
And obviously it is my fault.
God has not nor does He move.
So here I am – again imperfect and
unable to close the gap.
And I cry out to You my Father to
please put Your arms around me.
I do not feel safe.
I’m trying to learn these lessons.
But I fail so miserably.
I’ll never be good enough and I know
it.
And there are all these failings
that I’m trying to fix.
And my heart cries out to You.
And my tears flow.
Oh God my Lord how I long to know
your presence again.
Why have You withdrawn Your blanket
of love from me?
What have I done.
I am so evil and I do not know how
to manage it.
My desires have ruled me Lord.
Is that what is between us?
I am so tired.
Please forgive me Lord God and save
me.
Save me from myself.
How I long to be in Your arms again.
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