The whole Christmas story

Once upon a time long long ago, well actually it was before time even was.  And before the earth was and the stars and the moon and all that we know.  There was a Supreme ruler – God – with his Son and with the Holy Spirit together they were before anything else.  And each of the three persons of God had certain jobs: as the ruler, the Father was the one in charge and the Son, he was the creator and the Holy Spirit was the comforter and counselor.  They lived in a place we call heaven and there was nothing but love there. 

Because there was so much love they decided that they needed to share with others.  So first they created Angels to do the chores.  There were lots of angels, one was Gabriel a messenger and Michael the warrior and Lucifer the most beautiful angel who was music and who got to stand beside the Father and worship and make music all the time.  It was a glorious place and all was beautiful and the love just flowed everywhere. 

But one day one of the angels did something that nobody ever thought could happen.  It was Lucifer, the most beautiful angel of all who had music and song and worship as his being.  What did he do?  The most horrible thing anyone had ever heard of.  He decided that he wanted to be God and rule and have others worship him instead of God!  And because Lucifer was so special he was able to talk a third of the rest of the angels into being on his side to worship and follow him instead of God.

So there was a great war in heaven.  All the angels fought against each other because Lucifer could never be the Supreme ruler.  And Lucifer was thrown out of heaven and all of his followers with him and he was condemned by God and stripped of all his beauty and God even changed his name to Satan.  And we call him the devil.

And God the Father was very sad and he still wanted to share his love.  So God decided to create humans to share love with.  And he sent Jesus to create the heavens and the earth and the stars and galaxies and everything that we know, just for us because he wanted us to have a beautiful place to live and lots of fun living there. 

After Jesus made the whole thing he put animals and trees and plants and all kinds of things on the earth for the humans to enjoy.  Then he made the first man whose name was Adam and he breathed life into Adam and he gave him a job to do that he would really love.  He told Adam to be in charge of the earth and rule over it in His place.  Take care of everything and enjoy all that he had created.  He also gave him the job of naming all the animals too.  So while Adam was naming all the kinds of animals he noticed that there were male and female animals - each had a mate to belong to and he asked God about this.  He said “I do not have a female companion for myself.  What’s up with that?”

So God said – I will put you to sleep and I will make a female companion for you out of your own flesh, someone who will be a human like you and she will help you survive here on earth.  So God made Adam go to sleep and he took a rib from Adam’s side and he made Eve from Adam’s rib. 

OK - Now I know this does not sound like the Christmas story, but how can I tell you a story by starting from the middle???   So let me get this history for you so you can see how really really special Christmas really is.

Anyway when Adam woke up God brought him the female that he had made from Adam’s rib.  Adam said, WOAH now that’s what I’m talking about!  And he called her woman.  And Eve was her owe special name that means ‘mother of all mankind’.

Now God had made Adam and Eve to be just like him, like miniature images of himself and made them with a spirit just like the Holy Spirit.  He gave them the ability to love him, or to choose not to love him because love is not real love unless it is given freely.  You see, God did not want robots, he wanted friends and companions to enjoy and who would enjoy him too.

God spent lots of time with them in a special place that he had made called the Garden of Eden.  Everything there was beautiful with lots to eat and everything that they needed.  Nobody needed any clothes because it was nice and warm already, and also because they didn’t even know that they were naked.  But

God gave them one rule: Do not eat the fruit from that one special tree.  Otherwise you can eat anything else you want and run and play and enjoy everything I have made for you.  And they did.

When Satan came to see the humans he got really really mad because God had given Adam and Eve the job of ruling earth.  He decided that if he could not rule everything then he wanted to rule the earth.  And also he was really really really mad that God had made this creature called woman because he saw that she had all the beauty that he once had and that she was even given an ability that nobody else had been given.  She could bring life into the world just like God. 

And Satan was still very powerful and he could still talk others into what he wanted.  So he set out to trick them into breaking the only rule there was, to make them eat the fruit of the forbidden tree in the garden.  One day while God was not there, he came sneaking upon them disguised as a snake and he proceeded to trick them into believing that God was holding out on them by not letting them have that special fruit.  He made them doubt God’s love, the worst possible thing that they could do.

Well Eve took the fruit and she ate it and she gave it to her husband, who was right there all along, and he ate it too and instantly they knew that things were not good.  For one thing, they realized that they were naked so they ran away to hide.   And they knew that they had betrayed their friend God.   When God came to be with his friends he saw that they were hiding and afraid.  And God knew what had happened, and he was very very sad because this meant that their friendship would be changed and that everything would be different.

Because they did not trust God’s heart they had to leave the garden to go somewhere else and they would never be able to go back.  Separation from God meant that now there would be death.  And because they disobeyed God and did what Satan wanted them to do, then that made Satan the ruler of the earth now.  They were his slaves.  What a mess!

Now: As horrible as this was and as bad as it seemed God already knew it was going to happen and he already had a made plan to save humans.  You see he loved the humans so much that he was not willing to just let them be slaves of Satan.   Lots of time went by and lots of things happened while God tried and tried to get humans to love him back, but there were not very many who did.  Satan ruled the world now and he made it harder and harder for people to get to know who God really is.  He made people think God was far away and that he did not care about them.  He even got to the point that he made people think that there was no God even!  And for the ones who were looking for God, Satan made a foul thing happen to them.  He got them so tangled into rules and regulations that God was almost impossible to find through it all.  And they only felt worse and worse because they were told that they had to be good in order to measure up.  Because of all the rules, they were sure to break at least one of them, so all of them thought that they were not good enough for God to love.  This too broke God’s heart, and He tried everything to get them to see the truth that he loved them all along.

Finally it was time for God’s plan!!! 

You see, God had kept it a secret, but gave us hints all along.  A young girl who was not married yet would became pregnant from the Holy Spirit and she would give birth to the Savior – the only one who could rescue us from the hands of the enemy!  So, in the middle of this war zone where people were under the influence of Satan, God sent Jesus to come down to earth, behind enemy lines, and become a human himself!  A secret infiltration into enemy territory in the middle of this war for the hearts of mankind – Jesus came and he was born just like what God had told the people was going to happen! 

God chose a girl named Mary who was to be married to Joseph a carpenter.  He sent one of his angels, Gabriel the messenger, to tell her the good news.  At first she was very afraid, but Gabriel told her that God was with her and she was greatly favored!  He said you will be the mother of the Christ child, the Son of God.  She was confused of course because she was a virgin and had never been married before.  But Gabriel told her that the Holy Spirit would come over her and the power of God would make this happen.  So she said ok, I am the servant of God, let it happen just like you said.  And it did!

When her fiancé Joseph found out that she was pregnant he did not know that it was God’s baby, but he loved her and did not want to shame her so he was going to divorce her in secret so that she would not be killed.  But God came to him in a dream and told him that this was from God and that he was still supposed to marry Mary.  So he did not divorce her and he kept her for his wife.  He would be the step father for the baby Jesus.

Jesus was coming to earth, but not to a castle as a king with a crown, celebrated in the capital of the land.  He was coming in disguise as a humble baby born to a poor couple in a very small town.  God had planned the whole thing from the very beginning of time.  He had even planned for a different celebration of this birth by showing some other people about the wonderful coming of his son with a special star in the sky.  So from far far away three kings came to witness this birth, special kings that were very wise and could read the signs in the heavens, called magi.  So they came to Bethlehem at just the right time to see the true King and witness this miracle of God.  And they brought gifts to give to the new king – gold frankincense and myrrh.  

Meantime the rulers of the country that they lived in made a law that everyone had to go be counted in the city where they came from.  So Joseph and Mary had to go on a long journey to Bethlehem, the city of David because that was his ancestry where he came from.  And while they were gone on their trip it came time for Mary to have her baby.  When Joseph and Mary got to Bethlehem there was no hotel or inn to stay at – everyone else had got there first and they were all filled up, so they had to go to the only place that was available, to a stable where sheep and horses and donkeys lived.  And that’s where Jesus came into the world. 

And nearby where some shepherds on a hill with their sheep watching guard in the night.  Suddenly just as Jesus was born angels came from heaven rejoicing and singing about the wonderful news, but they made everyone afraid!  (Because they’re some very fierce things, angels).  But they said oh don’t be afraid, we came to tell you the good news, that everything is going to be fixed, that God has sent his son to save you!  And so the shepherds also went to see the new baby Jesus.  The angels said to follow this special star and you will find the baby in a manger sleeping next to the sheep.   So they went and they found him lying in a manger just like the angels had said, wrapped up in cloths where Mary had placed him.  And the shepherds were very happy singing and praising God for this wonderful news.  And they went to tell everyone that the Savior was here!

And that is why we celebrate Christmas day.

But, this story is really only half over because lots more happened.  Jesus came and lived and was killed and was brought back to life by God the Father and you know what?  That is how he took back the earth from Satan so that we don’t ever have to be slaves again.  All we ever need to do is to love God and love each other and we’ll all live happily ever after.  But wait!  It’s not over.

You see, there is still a war going on.  Satan – the devil – did not give up even though he lost two times to God.  He still fights to get people to follow him.  And he still tries to make us think that God is far away or not even real.  Or even worse, he tries to make us think that all God wants is for us to be good and follow all the rules, to be good enough, when that’s not it at all.  God just wants us to love him and for us to let him love us right back. 

And you know what?  The most wonderful thing happens when we love God.  All the rules just sort of go away because when we love Him He comes to live in our hearts and we just don’t even want to break the rules any more.  Knowing that we are loved makes us want to love everyone else.  And we don’t have to try to be anything or anyone besides just who He made us to be, because every one of us was made so special and unique that we can be the only one to love God the special way we were made to.  And God’s heart is so big that he has room for every one of us to fit in it.

And now you see, Christmas is the day when God gave us the best present ever.  He gave us back our freedom from Satan.  He gave us back to Himself to love! So we celebrate Christmas because it is Jesus birthday, the best gift of all.  Happy Birthday Jesus!   Thank you for coming to rescue us and bring us back to God.

vision - clarity

When we look back over our lives we all have stories, most of us thinking that it was our own fault that got us into the mess that is our history, or just chance, or whatever. 

But when we look at it in light of the war for our hearts it becomes quite clear that the enemy has tried to take each of us out in different ways. 

Has tried to bind our hearts into ineffectiveness and keep us from being who God made us to be. 

Isn't it awesome to realize that what the enemy meant for harm Jesus used to our good and his own glory!!!

Jesus sings me love songs!

I’m not just worth saving, I’m adored!

He’s not in it just to fix us

He LOVES us with all his heart!

Nothing is as it seems

Re-examine everything you once thought you knew

Believe only what your heart confirms

Be exactly who you are

Live from your heart!

the song of my heart after a very difficult week.

A few weeks ago my mom called and asked me to give her the power of attorney document back which she and my dad had made for me so that I could take care of their medical and financial decisions.  He was ill and so was she and neither of them was in any mental condition to be able to decide things on their own.  Since then my dad has died and I've been handling my mom’s situation without any problem.

We have had tension between us.  I am not my dad and I am not capable of being her ‘everything’ as he was.  She has never been on her own and she expected me to ‘take care’ of her just like he did.  I’d promised him before I died to take care of her.  But we have different understandings of what that meant obviously.  I’m not a coddler and I cannot fill the void in my mom – much less fix her.  She has put an enormous pressure on me and because she has a 3 yr old sense of emotional maturity she tries to manipulate me into being what she wants me to be.  I of course refuse.  I am not responsible to fix her, as I said, and even if I were I could not.  I've given her everything I could and the best that I could: being Jesus love, trying to show her that being broken is not the only way to live.  I have loved her and have tried to honor her and tried to give her skills to live independently as well.  My job was not to do for her but to give her the opportunity to learn how to do for herself as I saw it.  And she has gotten better and stronger and other than having her childlike tantrums over nobody to take care of her.  

She has not appreciated my way of taking care of her.  She went to Missouri this past summer with Danny and I do not know if this is it but it’s all I could think of – other than her trying to manipulate me – yet again.  Her aunt passed away and their grand children were like vultures over the estate evidently.  I can’t think why she would be concerned that I would be like that.  I've had legal access and physical access to her money for several years and have not touched a cent or even tried.  I’m not concerned about her money for myself.  Only that she does not lose it before she is gone.  Duffy on the other hand has tried to get hold of her money, at least in part, more than once.  He’s defrauded her by using her credit card without permission.  He’s taken her property and sold it for money for himself.  He’s taken money on loan and never repaid her.  He lies and is a thief.  That’s the bottom line.  When at a meeting with her financial adviser we decided that she needed to close that credit card account and open another one with only her and I having access.  So that he could not use it ‘accidently’ as he stated was the case.  That’s what we did and until now she has not given him the number at all.  Also she has had me use it for her for several things without any problems.

All of this is simply to indicate that I've dealt with my mom with integrity and honor.  I have not used her or tried to manipulate her into giving me money for anything.  My brother has let his property go to the point that it was days away from being auctioned due to back taxes – which I paid for him.  I've not been reimbursed either. 

So….  When she told me that she wanted the power of attorney back it hit me to the core of who I am.  It was insulting, hurtful and showed me that she was not thinking straight.  And I got angry.  She said that I had shown her that I did not like her and did not want to be around her.  This is true.  I do not like her.  She is a child and manipulative and incapable of thinking of others whatsoever.  She is selfish.  And I told her so.  I told her that we have nothing in common and I do not like her.  I do love her, she is my mother, and I am not going to go back on my word to my dad to take care of her.  But she was right, I do not like her and do not like spending time with her.  I also told her that if she removed the power of attorney then she would be taking away my ability to help her when she needed me. So she said she would not do it.

Well I asked her the other day on a hunch if she had revoked it.  She said yes.  It is registered at the courthouse that I have no control at all in her affairs.  And I got so angry because she has no idea what she has done to herself and because she has slapped me and my dad in the face by doing this.  She said she is an independent person.  And she said that she did it because I told her that I hated her.  I said no such thing.  So I went over to talk to her and sort it out.  She said that I hated her and I said no I do not hate you I love you, you are my mother.  I do not like you.  We have nothing in common at all but I love you.  And she said like and love are the same thing.  And so I told her to take me out of the will, out of the entire thing.  If I am such a threat to her that she has to remove my ability to help her then I want her to get the facts.  I do not want her money.  I never did and I never will.  Take me out of the will completely.  Take me off of the bank account, the safety deposit box and remove me from being executor of her will.  I do not want anything to do with this anymore.  You have insulted my integrity and hurt me beyond repair.  I still love you but I want nothing else to do with you.  I do not have any legal right to have your back any more and you are now on your own.  Duffy will take whatever he can get and I cannot stop him now.

I do not like confrontation.  I do not like it when people don’t like me.  My mother as much as called me a thief and in her attempts to manipulate me into doing what she wants she has pushed me away completely.  She has twisted the arrow in my heart that has been there forever which tells me that I am not good enough.  She has hurt me beyond repair.  I will do what I need to but I cannot invest any more of my heart in her.

And that was Thursday evening.

All week long I have had my head in severe pain from the nerve damage done after surgery on the bone tumor.

Friday I woke up with severe pain in my right hip almost making it so I could not walk.  It was not a good day but I got through work with my friend’s love.  Cheryl comforted me and listened while I vented and cried about my mom.

That day I found a house that might be the one for Amanda and Denny and went to see it.  It is wonderful and Denny came to see it and agreed.  So we put an offer on it. 

That lifted my spirits a lot.  But still underneath was the turmoil of my relationship with my mom.  And I was restless Saturday all day.  However I was half way in waking and sleep and thinking of the relationship I have with my children.  I’m so thankful that my daughter and I are close.  I’m so thankful that I've got a son who loves me and respects me as well.  I was pondering the fact that he has joined his wife’s family and pretty much left ours.  I was not bemoaning it or upset, just thinking about the dynamics of things whey it occurred to me that in a marriage the bride is ‘given away’ to the groom.  She belongs to him and his family when she is married.  Not the other way around.  Both of course have their own family – a new one.   Leave and cleave.   And it occurred to me that as the bride of Jesus I've been given to Him.  I no longer belong to my mom’s family, I belong to Jesus family.  We have our own now. 

For a while now I've been building ancestry, looking for connection to something to belong to, a past that I could call my own – beyond the painful family that I was born into – a history of something more and deeper.   I've also been searching for a love that was more than I've ever known a true love relationship that I could depend on at last as my very own.  Most of my life I've not felt loved.  My mom did not love me.  She told me so.  The hardest arrow…

So all day Saturday I just relaxed and enjoyed being in a warm home.  I played games on the computer and thought a bit about the relationship stuff.  It was a comfort to me to realize that I had no allegiance to this world as Jesus bride.  To know that I no longer had to feel bad about what has become my inability to help my mom any more.  Knowing that she was the one who severed the relationship was not enough to give me peace about it since I know that she is not capable of making those decisions clearly.  But knowing Jesus was my family now and that I have left that other family behind is allowing me to see that I am no longer going to be held responsible for her. 

Of course my heart has continued to yearn for love.  It has longed to hear Jesus voice telling me that I am His and that my heart belongs to him, and his to me.  Of course I've continued to search near and far for someone here and now to give me what I honestly know is not possible from any human man.  My heart has searched anyway.

So I turned on the TV and saw the movie Robin Hood was on, I’d missed most of it.  But I turned it on anyway because it is such a beautiful love story.  And I was just in time for the credits to begin, and….   And…. Then it happened.  The music came on and I knew the song, love the song, dreamt of being the object of the song ever since I’d first heard it.  But this time hearing it was amazing.  You see….  This time it was Jesus singing it to me.  This time it became personal.  This time the words came into my heart, a love song meant just for my ears.  Telling me that his love for me was the reason for all he does, has done, and ever will do.  His love telling me that what he felt for me meant more to him than his own life.  Telling me that he’d die for me…

And the upside down painful world of broken dreams lost opportunities and sad loneliness that I've known was made right.  My heart is what he has been after, not to change or to fix even.  My heart is what his heart has been longing for.  And it’s true, everything he does – he does it for me.

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more

You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you
Oh yeah

There's no love, like your love
And no other, could give more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way, yeah

Look into your heart, baby

Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
Yeah, I would fight for you, give it all for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

Everything I do, darling
And we'll see it through
Oh we'll see it through
Oh yeah

Yeah!

Look into your heart
You can't tell me it ain't worth dying for
Oh yeah

I'll be there, yeah
I'll walk the wire
Oh, yeah

I'm going all the way, all the way, yeah

I did change one line slightly in this song which, after all, was written by a human man.  This only because I know without a doubt that Jesus would never lie.

And wouldn’t you know it.  RHM devo’s came on the heels of all this speaking to the rest of my heart’s cries….

The Trap of Integrity

Let me tell you, few things can mess you up as badly as trying to do your best. For the tender heart, the earnest heart, it is so discouraging to give all you have trying to do what you think Jesus would have you do, and find yourself falling short, sabotaging your own efforts at every turn. Discouragement and shame settle in like a long Seattle rain.

And this is what most Christians experience as the Christian life. Try harder; feel worse.

I spoke of cunning traps that replace the simple priority of loving Jesus. Here is a very surprising one—the trap of integrity. What I mean by this is when our attention turns to maintaining personal righteousness. This seems noble and right. Jesus told us to keep his commands. But this can be a trap because most Christians interpret this as “Try harder; do your best.”

I find myself slipping back into this weekly. A handful of symptoms tip me off. Exhaustion, for one. I’ll just find myself wrung out again. Or an unnamed internal distress; my insides all twisted up. Discouragement, that old nagging cloud of “I’m totally blowing it” back over me. Irritation with needy people. These symptoms—and a host of others—are the collateral damage that results from trying my best. They let me know I’ve fallen back to thinking that to love Jesus is to give my very best in living for him. And this is a sticky business. Because on the one hand, that’s true—to love him is to obey. But out of what resources? From what fountain of inner strength?But didn’t Jesus warn, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5)? The good news is this—you were never meant to imitate Christ.

His revolution is not self-transformation, but his transformation of us, from the inside out, as we receive his life and allow him to live through us. Vine, branch. Anything else is madness.

(Beautiful Outlaw, 229, 230)

And then this one:

We Can Only Hope for What We Desire

Once we come to accept that we can never find or hang on to the life we have been seeking, what then? As Dallas Willard writes, it matters for all the world to know that life is ahead of us.

I meet many faithful Christians who, in spite of their faith, are deeply disappointed in how their lives have turned out. Sometimes it is simply a matter of how they experience aging, which they take to mean they no longer have a future. But often, due to circumstances or wrongful decisions and actions by others, what they had hoped to accomplish in life they did not . . . Much of the distress of these good people comes from a failure to realize that their life lies before them . . . the life that lies endlessly before us in the kingdom of God. (The Divine Conspiracy)

Blaise Pascal also observed, "We are never living, but hoping to live; and whilst we are always preparing to be happy, it is certain, we never shall be so, if we aspire to no other happiness than what can be enjoyed in this life."

Desire cannot live without hope. Yet, we can only hope for what we desire. There simply must be something more, something out there on the road ahead of us, that offers the life we prize. To sustain the life of the heart, the life of deep desire, we desperately need to possess a clearer picture of the life that lies before us.

(Desire , 104-5)

Long road home

I look at the road ahead and I cannot see the end.

But neither can I see the beginning any longer - no way back - so it must be onward.

It has to be onward.

Through the pain which - right now seems impossible to get through.

I am a coward.

I do not want to go on.

I want rest and deep down I know that on this side there is no rest.

And my heart is weary and it longs for home.

All I can do is breathe and go through my day one at a time minute by minute and deal with what comes up next.

I have absolutely no control over anything in spite of all my plans and crafting.

And the most terrifying thing is that I cannot see where I'm going, not one step ahead of me.

I go blindly into the future towards what my heart has told me is good and worthwhile.

So now all I can do is trust my heart.

All I can do is hope that the connection is sure and true and solid with the only hope there is for love.

For, love is the ultimate goal, the prize that makes everything worthwhile.

I have placed all my chips on this one bet, that Jesus is who he is and that he is true.

the season of need and want and the answer I did not want.....

I sit here at work today
coughing and crying - eyes red from irritation of some unknown source.
lungs rebelling at another unknown source
and my heart aching as is normal for this time of year
I watched the Lord of the Rings - the Return of the King yesterday and cried all through it.
the valor of men
their nobility
their ability to rise to the occasion of need
the heart it takes to stand in the face of sure destruction and fight anyway
the love of all that is good and willingness to lay down their lives for that love.
I cried because I have never known a man of such stature, such heart.
I cried because my heart aches to know such a man.
I cried because deep down I feel that it is only something of myths and stories.
I cried because I am growing older and less beautiful and less desirable and less able to attract any man.
I cried because I am lonely.

I hate this time of year
it's lack of color
the chill that makes my bones ache
the trees stripped of their leaves
all gray brown and lifeless it seems
and the commercial lights and endless begging of advertisements drive me crazy
I hate it
stop
just stop

I made a decision to be GiGi for my beloved friends and their families
I love them all so much
and I want to be needed I guess

I have tried to find a house for my daughter and her family and every time I am thwarted

I sit and play my war game with imaginary soldiers and 'friends' in cyberspace that I do not really know
but whose company are the most consistent in my life right now. I think perhaps some romance can come of it with someone there.


I have no idea why I am still here.
I feel completely useless and alone.
and I tell Cheryl about it who is going through similar feelings but instead of a man she grieves the loss of her daughter - the anniversary of that phone call coming up on the 5th.

and I sit here and wonder because every question I ask Jesus is like talking to a brick wall.
I hear and feel nothing.
the silence is deafening.
and I grieve over the life that could have been, should have been mine.

then Cheryl who also is hearing nothing at the moment says look at J.E. devo for today...

Hemmed In

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even. He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul - and ours - that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue. Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Hosea 2:6-7 Jesus has to thwart us too - thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our "salvation," for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our heart remains broken and captive and far from the One who can help us. And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all. (Captivating, 96-97)

so Jesus. Holy Spirit. Father, Abba.
I cry out to you to save me.
Save me from the heartache.
Save me from my own devices to rescue myself.
Save me from the loneliness.
Save me from myself.
Save me from turning any direction but to you.

The holiday season is sometimes overwhelming.  It’s kind of like a punch to the gut then a knockout slam to the jaw, then when you’re down for the count pow! - a kick to the groin.  And the fact that it comes around seemingly faster and faster every year, sneaking up on me out of nowhere, well that does not help. 

This year we have a new baby coming into our family and he is due around the same time.  Add in several birthdays and there it is, overwhelming. 

I’m exhausted after several birthday parties, and showers, and am not really looking forward to Thanks Giving or Christmas celebrations. 

I understand how people get to the point of wanting to just hide, keep out of the maelstrom of shopping frenzies and that commercial vacuum that is pulling at us, sucking us dry of energy emotion and cash.  I don’t even want to get started on money here.  But I see no reason to purchase gifts for the myriad of people on lists who may or may not desire or need anything that my thinly stretched dollars could afford for them.

I watched “Little House on the Prairie” last night – the episode was a Christmas one.  How refreshing to see a demonstration of love and sacrifice this family displayed for one another.  It was simpler and more pure somehow.  Yet still there was a sense of driven-ness that put me off somewhat. 

I wish that gift giving could be simply from the heart. 

I’d like to pare back on the number on the list.

I’d like to focus on those special ones and make a difference in their lives.

I do not need anything myself.  If I could send out a message to everyone it would be to just remember me with a prayer and a smile and perhaps a card to let me know I’m thought of.  If I could suggest finding a child in need and supplying something that would make a difference in their lives rather than a gift for me.  And by all means do not go into debt to purchase anything. 

My Hope, my Love is Jesus, and those precious souls that He has brought into my life.

Rather than running around and wearing myself out this year for the holidays may I simply say to all of you – I love you, you matter to me, I am praying for you and remembering you with fond memories and wishes for blessings in your lives.

One more thing…..  Happy birthday Jesus, and many happy returns.

to my friend Angel

We live in a larger story, His story – of love and redemption, which is often difficult to grasp because our smaller stories are so overwhelming.

Give your heart time to grieve over all of these losses my friend.   You have had many. 

Stay your heart in Him.  Borrow from His strength for this battle.  He gives it willingly to you.

Do not be surprised that you find yourself in a battle.  We live in this epic love story and war is the backdrop for us all.

There are seasons where it seems we have found peace, but we must always remember that we are at war with an enemy that hates us.

But, and it is a HUGE but, we have the power to overcome the enemy with the name of our Love Jesus.  His love is what conquers all. 

You are loved beyond your imagination from outside of time and eternity before the beginning and beyond what we must think of as the end.

His love for you spans across the millennia and the vast universes made by His hands!  Grasp those hands and draw closer to Him.  His heart is good.  He is for you.  You are the apple of His eye and the delight of His heart.  Let yourself believe it.  This is the truth of the Gospel.  Not that He came to make us be good.  But that God set aside His divinity and came into enemy territory disguised as a baby, so vulnerable and so risky, to set the captives free!  He came so that we might have life and have it in abundance.  He came to share the good news that we do not have to live under the weight of our past or our circumstances, but that we can live in the light of His love in freedom.  We are not humans with a spirit, we are spirits with physical bodies. 

Allow His love to penetrate your heart.

Reconnect with that which is more precious than life.

Then live from your heart my friend.

When these irritations and this turmoil is going on search your heart where you are connected with Love and find His still small voice and listen and flow from there.

You are plugged in to the power that spoke this world into being.

There is strength that can be felt palpably when you know who loves you, when you know who you belong to, when you know where your source is.

Remember to go there.

Do not allow the enemy to use people to get you caught up in the whirlwind of strife and despair.

Much is at risk, much is to be gained with this lesson.

Learn to live from your heart, from that love connection with Jesus. 

I have little to give you but this, and this that I have I will willingly give, which is more valuable than gold and diamonds and all the riches available.

I have the love of a God who risked all to come set me free.  I know that he came for you as well.

Life comes at us from all directions to try to sever that connection.

Do not let it! 

That is the enemy. 

That is his goal. 

Stay connected with the lover of your soul. 

That is where your strength lies. 

That is where there is peace. 

That is where freedom is.

That is where He wants you. 

You are His and He is yours. 

Live there my friend, my Angel.

Ransomed Heart Devo for today. I cannot expound on it but must post it.

Time to Look for a Different Clinic

When church actually inoculates people to a true experience of Jesus—or to an experience of the true Jesus—then yes, I am very anti that sort of church. All the men and women I’ve met who have spent decades in church and still do not know God. If the people you loved came down with cancer, and were told to faithfully attend a center for recovery but at the end of ten years were no better, wouldn’t you be mad about that? Wouldn’t you at least say that it’s time to look for a different clinic?             The simple test is this: Do you encounter Jesus in church—or in any of the Christian things you do? Are you drawn into a genuine understanding and experience of Jesus as we find him in the Gospels? If not, there’s a problem. Don’t forget—Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath. The religious leaders decided to kill him. This spirit is mighty nasty—and slippery as an oyster.             Friends, if you would know Jesus as he is, if you would let him simply be himself with you, then run—run as fast as your two feet will carry you from anything that smacks of religion. (Beautiful Outlaw, 205, 206)

another conversation

so I ordered the Pearl from RHM

and started listening to it sat

wow

a new book?

from John or Staci?

yes

cried all day sun

ooohhh

a good cry I hope

yes

and no

needed

healing

but it hurts

and my head hurts today and I do not feel good. just had a sneezing fit

only reason I’m here is cause I do not want to miss any days

saving them for Gabriel's arrival

coming soon!

yes

but I have some work to do

stuff buried in there needs to come out

it's amazing how completely complacent we get with each level unearthed, it's like okay, I’ve dealt with that, I'm done.... UM ... not yet ...

small doses though

allow time to process all the crud it unearths

exactly

I am sooo thankful for JE, though, Jeanne. I had to repost his devotional from this weekend on FB ... he just has the perfect timing

cuz my folks have been asking me and asking me to go to their church, ya know? and I’m truly not trying to be snobby or superior or anything, except that it doesn't feel like a comfortable slipper there for me ....

I understand completely

the church out in Soddy does to me

it’s wonderful

so yesterday, when once again, I’m asked, I finally said, mom ... I think your pastor is wonderful for you. but for me, his answer to my question kinda put me off ...

oh?

when he subbed in the revelations class and said we could ask him anything, and it was right after God wanted me to re-read Genesis and about creation

and so when I asked Pastor Keith his opinion on it, he was honest with me, but the response was, I've never heard that before.

ok, well, you're hearing it now.

and God specifically wanted me to re-read that passage and meditate on it ...

I know now why, but then I was still trying to process it.

so, anyways, JE's reminder that if we wanted a personal encounter with Jesus it was in day to day living, and not confined to a Sunday service ...

YEP

hahaha yeah

Jesus did not sneak into enemy territory disguised as a baby and go through the torment of his death for us so he could make us be good, nor was it simply for a ticket to heaven.  it was for love, for relationship, for connection

and that is not a once a week thing

I read something this weekend that I was going, UM NO. you got it wrong... it said, Jesus died so that He could know you personally.

No, he did not.

how do these 'experts' get it so wrong?

it's like they do not know him at all

it is a heart thing, always has been and always will be

and again, I wasn't feeling superior, but I KNOW with certainty in my heart, Jeanne...

you know?

and every time now that I hear or read something that I already know, there is ... no shaking that truth any more

no questioning it

right

because you are connected to truth

all you have to do is listen to your heart

because the Holy Spirit lives in me. Do you know how excited and humbled that makes me? I tear up just thinking about how thankful I am every time.

then I'm listening to Joel Osteen last night and had to laugh, because again, God was speaking thru him ...

his service was on loyalty

he said, the mercy you extend others, is in direct proportion to the mercy God extends you ... your family, above all others, your blood ... you lift them up

when they fall, you lift them up

he said we live in a society that thrives on kicking someone when they are down

don't be that person

and he told the story of how Noah after being on the boat 192 days with his family, when they got off, he got drunk

and how Ham told everyone about it

but his other 2 sons covered him

he said, we can't stand to be in the same house with our whole families for 3 days at a Holiday, try to imagine how Noah felt ...

hahahaha

I’m sorry.  I really don't feel good today. 

and that's

I am ashamed at how I talked to my cousin yesterday

garbage spewing out

of course you talk about being around family this morning

hahaha

thank you Jesus

I hear you

oh, it was a message to me also

I've got a lot of anger in there still

a lot

yes, I understand

and I do not know if I’m ready to let go of it

lots of shame

feel dirty

Jeanne, you are Jesus' beloved

I didn't read devo's this weekend

He does not see you as dirty

I know

but he knows there is dirt in there that needs to come out

he's trying to expose your light to the world

I have an idea.

Something to hash over the next few months.

We may be able to handle it by May, and I think Tracy should be included if we decide to do it.

but, if we go to the ocean, we are going to have a funeral service.

and we are going to gather up the things we want to let go of, and let them go in the ocean.

be it a flower to represent that thing, a rock, sand, whatever ...

I saw a show and to let go of all the hurt this girl felt, her boyfriend handed her a balloon with the hurt inside, that she released and let fly away ...

I think that is exactly what we need....  all three of us.

I was thinking about when I scattered Brandy's ashes in the ocean, Jeanne. I ... there was a lot of pain there not just from losing her ...

but things had been really bad for years ... our relationship. She did a lot of bad things. I didn't respond well, or loving.

I did the best I could, and it wasn't good enough.

but when I put her in the ocean, I felt like ... I was returning her to Jesus.

and I don't dwell on, most times I don't even remember, all the bad things that she did and that happened.

I just love her.

we are free to love

so maybe we can let go of some baggage by having a funeral for it.

death set her free

Cheryl

I’m so thankful for your heart

your willingness to open it to me

I feel safe with you Jeanne. that is the blessing you are to me.

thank you. 

I think maybe that is my greatest gift

thank you

you are welcome

it may be because I never felt safe with anyone till now myself, and I want to give what I know I needed and did not have

but not everyone steps into that

you know?

and it's an honor to be trusted

right. again, that is by design. your Ka is handpicked by the one who loves us beyond measure

which is why it shames me to feel so angry at others

who

idk

I’m still so angry at my mom

at my older brother

and I’m angry at my dad for leaving me alone to take care of my mom

he was the only one Cheryl

whoever protected me

he's still helping you Jeanne

listening to the CD's I heard about a girl who's father rescued her

and I thought that I never had that

yet I know my daddy did rescue me

the little boy next door threw acid on me

and it was eating my dress away

and my daddy came running out and picked me up and took me into the bathroom ripping my dress off and putting me into the water

to keep me from getting burned

and I know he loved me

yes

and I never think of that as him answering my question

but it was him answering my question

yes it was

do you love me

but it feels like it is not enough

and with him working shifts and gone most of the time and when he was home he was so grouchy and mean

I also felt abandoned

he was my hero

but he did not have time for me

most of the time

and my mother never did love me

and I always have felt unloved

even when I was rescued it was not 'love' to me

idk how to explain it

but know how you were covered the whole time ... even thru the horrible moments ...

to be so loved now it is very uncomfortable

I don't know how to handle it

covered by Jesus

yes I was

because you demonstrate unconditional love daily

and in a second out spews hatred and filth

as soon as my heart is vulnerable that's what happens

that's what happened

yesterday

I had been listening to the CDs

and my cousin called

and I was instantly so angry

it was very strange

she was surprised when I told her I never felt loved

and it makes me think, I need too much

she said she loved me

and I’m like, well you were not my mom were you

she was three houses down for the first few years there in Cali

but I do not remember much time with her

I only remember having to 'be good' all the time

be quiet

be good

be quiet

Brandy

Dennis' theory that I bought into ... children should be seen but not heard

course, he didn't want to see her either.

that’s why I did girl scouts, and took her to dance class, and t-ball, and everything else I could think to do with her...

poor Ray

all that was gone by the time she came along

too many years of beaten down

I was too buried

you are helping me to understand how Brandy must have felt, Jeanne.

like nothing she ever did was good enough to be loved so why try

wow

you know of course that it was more Dennis fault than yours

you cannot make up for father

you are mother

nobody else can be father for her

but Jesus

father is so needed in our lives

I’m so glad that my pain is not wasted

do you understand that?

yes

it helps

being in love with Jesus is like a spiritual boot camp I think.  what does not kill you makes you stronger.  that's so true in life, and yet with him we have to be torn down and opened up and exposed so that the protection we've built up for ourselves and it's all wrong.  it may work for unbelievers but the scary thing about being in love with him is that he wants us exposed, completely exposed.

pretty terrifying, isn't it?

was talking to Tracy and what she is going through

and she did not see it

but her heart is being exposed

and I told her that

that

what a sweet aroma to God it is when we are vulnerable and exposed before others

and allow them to see into our hearts

it is a comfort

and so today those words come back to me I guess

Yes

maybe I need to be careful what I say lol

the circle

yes

it's so funny

it did not dawn on me that it was the same for me

that when my heart is exposed it blesses

both him and others

Yes

and my instinct is to hide

the pain

cover it over and protect myself

right now I am thinking, ok

the pain is worth it

to help you

to bless God

ok

you know you've said it many times, but it has been dwelling in me for weeks ... resonating ... marinating ... that we are to Love. I know that is our purpose, intellectually, but I don't always LIVE it ... like talking about folks ... my boss ... complaining ...

and that is why Joel's message was for me also last night

but to love each person at whatever level they are at

it's not about where they are at ... it is about where I AM AT

does that make sense?

what brought that home to me was something Amanda said this weekend

yes that makes sense

she said she has never thought that people should share their misery ... vent their frustrations ... that what good is it to bring someone else down with your bad thoughts and feelings

well

I think we are supposed to share

because that is how we learn

just like your pain this morning

you know?

yes

I am seeing that

it's not the same as complaining

it's opening up heart to heart

very different

right

well, even complaining is an exposure to something hurting your heart

you just don't know what the arrow is

so I think, the lesson is to learn who is in your circle .. your safe place .. your ka

and I’m recognizing that mine is much smaller than I realized

the funny thing, I was sitting there listening and I just suddenly burst into tears.  and all I could think to do was to call Tracy because she holds my heart.  and I thought, that's not fair to dump on her. but what you're saying is true, that sharing our pain exposing it is not only healing to us but others.  

yes recognize who it is safe and needful to open up to

I've had lots of people I can open so far with

and I tend to open more than they are comfortable usually

but there is a depth of my heart that I've never opened to anyone

isn't it wonderful though that you have Tracy? Thank you, Jesus.

and even with you I have not been able to go there

Tracy is the first one in my life that I truly trusted my WHOLE heart to

yes

I am so thankful for her

and she is SO LITTLE!!!

ironic

she is HUGE in God's eyes

yes

look what He's entrusted her with ...

look what He's entrusted you with ...

yes

I've never felt like anyone could 'handle' all my junk

because He knows the depths and layers He's put in you ... and Tracy ... and I ... each of us

I’m coming to the place where I think he's showing me that I have those people who can

handle it

and so much of the time this anger here, I do not understand it, it's just below the surface and it spews out and I’m surprised at it

and it's like wow where did that come from

yet I know it's there

and I’m not fooling you or Tracy  ha!

I know you both see it

and it tastes nasty, doesn't it?

but I can't bring myself to look at it

so spit it out

well

it's not safe to spit it out

unless someone is there that can love me anyway

Jesus

He already knows

yes

that's what is terrifying to me

He already knows

and He loves me anyways?

how is that possible?

but I know he knows and he loves me.  that's the strange thing.  I just don't think others could

you know what? I bet our spirits look like Quasimodo

hahaha

all these huge lumps of garbage on our shoulders

we carry it around

thinking it's part of us

so let's plan a funeral

and know that for me, I don't do funerals

yes

so this would be huge for me

I think that's completely appropriate

and needful

and I think by may it will be right on time