The holiday season is sometimes overwhelming.  It’s kind of like a punch to the gut then a knockout slam to the jaw, then when you’re down for the count pow! - a kick to the groin.  And the fact that it comes around seemingly faster and faster every year, sneaking up on me out of nowhere, well that does not help. 

This year we have a new baby coming into our family and he is due around the same time.  Add in several birthdays and there it is, overwhelming. 

I’m exhausted after several birthday parties, and showers, and am not really looking forward to Thanks Giving or Christmas celebrations. 

I understand how people get to the point of wanting to just hide, keep out of the maelstrom of shopping frenzies and that commercial vacuum that is pulling at us, sucking us dry of energy emotion and cash.  I don’t even want to get started on money here.  But I see no reason to purchase gifts for the myriad of people on lists who may or may not desire or need anything that my thinly stretched dollars could afford for them.

I watched “Little House on the Prairie” last night – the episode was a Christmas one.  How refreshing to see a demonstration of love and sacrifice this family displayed for one another.  It was simpler and more pure somehow.  Yet still there was a sense of driven-ness that put me off somewhat. 

I wish that gift giving could be simply from the heart. 

I’d like to pare back on the number on the list.

I’d like to focus on those special ones and make a difference in their lives.

I do not need anything myself.  If I could send out a message to everyone it would be to just remember me with a prayer and a smile and perhaps a card to let me know I’m thought of.  If I could suggest finding a child in need and supplying something that would make a difference in their lives rather than a gift for me.  And by all means do not go into debt to purchase anything. 

My Hope, my Love is Jesus, and those precious souls that He has brought into my life.

Rather than running around and wearing myself out this year for the holidays may I simply say to all of you – I love you, you matter to me, I am praying for you and remembering you with fond memories and wishes for blessings in your lives.

One more thing…..  Happy birthday Jesus, and many happy returns.

to my friend Angel

We live in a larger story, His story – of love and redemption, which is often difficult to grasp because our smaller stories are so overwhelming.

Give your heart time to grieve over all of these losses my friend.   You have had many. 

Stay your heart in Him.  Borrow from His strength for this battle.  He gives it willingly to you.

Do not be surprised that you find yourself in a battle.  We live in this epic love story and war is the backdrop for us all.

There are seasons where it seems we have found peace, but we must always remember that we are at war with an enemy that hates us.

But, and it is a HUGE but, we have the power to overcome the enemy with the name of our Love Jesus.  His love is what conquers all. 

You are loved beyond your imagination from outside of time and eternity before the beginning and beyond what we must think of as the end.

His love for you spans across the millennia and the vast universes made by His hands!  Grasp those hands and draw closer to Him.  His heart is good.  He is for you.  You are the apple of His eye and the delight of His heart.  Let yourself believe it.  This is the truth of the Gospel.  Not that He came to make us be good.  But that God set aside His divinity and came into enemy territory disguised as a baby, so vulnerable and so risky, to set the captives free!  He came so that we might have life and have it in abundance.  He came to share the good news that we do not have to live under the weight of our past or our circumstances, but that we can live in the light of His love in freedom.  We are not humans with a spirit, we are spirits with physical bodies. 

Allow His love to penetrate your heart.

Reconnect with that which is more precious than life.

Then live from your heart my friend.

When these irritations and this turmoil is going on search your heart where you are connected with Love and find His still small voice and listen and flow from there.

You are plugged in to the power that spoke this world into being.

There is strength that can be felt palpably when you know who loves you, when you know who you belong to, when you know where your source is.

Remember to go there.

Do not allow the enemy to use people to get you caught up in the whirlwind of strife and despair.

Much is at risk, much is to be gained with this lesson.

Learn to live from your heart, from that love connection with Jesus. 

I have little to give you but this, and this that I have I will willingly give, which is more valuable than gold and diamonds and all the riches available.

I have the love of a God who risked all to come set me free.  I know that he came for you as well.

Life comes at us from all directions to try to sever that connection.

Do not let it! 

That is the enemy. 

That is his goal. 

Stay connected with the lover of your soul. 

That is where your strength lies. 

That is where there is peace. 

That is where freedom is.

That is where He wants you. 

You are His and He is yours. 

Live there my friend, my Angel.

Ransomed Heart Devo for today. I cannot expound on it but must post it.

Time to Look for a Different Clinic

When church actually inoculates people to a true experience of Jesus—or to an experience of the true Jesus—then yes, I am very anti that sort of church. All the men and women I’ve met who have spent decades in church and still do not know God. If the people you loved came down with cancer, and were told to faithfully attend a center for recovery but at the end of ten years were no better, wouldn’t you be mad about that? Wouldn’t you at least say that it’s time to look for a different clinic?             The simple test is this: Do you encounter Jesus in church—or in any of the Christian things you do? Are you drawn into a genuine understanding and experience of Jesus as we find him in the Gospels? If not, there’s a problem. Don’t forget—Jesus healed a man on the Sabbath. The religious leaders decided to kill him. This spirit is mighty nasty—and slippery as an oyster.             Friends, if you would know Jesus as he is, if you would let him simply be himself with you, then run—run as fast as your two feet will carry you from anything that smacks of religion. (Beautiful Outlaw, 205, 206)

another conversation

so I ordered the Pearl from RHM

and started listening to it sat

wow

a new book?

from John or Staci?

yes

cried all day sun

ooohhh

a good cry I hope

yes

and no

needed

healing

but it hurts

and my head hurts today and I do not feel good. just had a sneezing fit

only reason I’m here is cause I do not want to miss any days

saving them for Gabriel's arrival

coming soon!

yes

but I have some work to do

stuff buried in there needs to come out

it's amazing how completely complacent we get with each level unearthed, it's like okay, I’ve dealt with that, I'm done.... UM ... not yet ...

small doses though

allow time to process all the crud it unearths

exactly

I am sooo thankful for JE, though, Jeanne. I had to repost his devotional from this weekend on FB ... he just has the perfect timing

cuz my folks have been asking me and asking me to go to their church, ya know? and I’m truly not trying to be snobby or superior or anything, except that it doesn't feel like a comfortable slipper there for me ....

I understand completely

the church out in Soddy does to me

it’s wonderful

so yesterday, when once again, I’m asked, I finally said, mom ... I think your pastor is wonderful for you. but for me, his answer to my question kinda put me off ...

oh?

when he subbed in the revelations class and said we could ask him anything, and it was right after God wanted me to re-read Genesis and about creation

and so when I asked Pastor Keith his opinion on it, he was honest with me, but the response was, I've never heard that before.

ok, well, you're hearing it now.

and God specifically wanted me to re-read that passage and meditate on it ...

I know now why, but then I was still trying to process it.

so, anyways, JE's reminder that if we wanted a personal encounter with Jesus it was in day to day living, and not confined to a Sunday service ...

YEP

hahaha yeah

Jesus did not sneak into enemy territory disguised as a baby and go through the torment of his death for us so he could make us be good, nor was it simply for a ticket to heaven.  it was for love, for relationship, for connection

and that is not a once a week thing

I read something this weekend that I was going, UM NO. you got it wrong... it said, Jesus died so that He could know you personally.

No, he did not.

how do these 'experts' get it so wrong?

it's like they do not know him at all

it is a heart thing, always has been and always will be

and again, I wasn't feeling superior, but I KNOW with certainty in my heart, Jeanne...

you know?

and every time now that I hear or read something that I already know, there is ... no shaking that truth any more

no questioning it

right

because you are connected to truth

all you have to do is listen to your heart

because the Holy Spirit lives in me. Do you know how excited and humbled that makes me? I tear up just thinking about how thankful I am every time.

then I'm listening to Joel Osteen last night and had to laugh, because again, God was speaking thru him ...

his service was on loyalty

he said, the mercy you extend others, is in direct proportion to the mercy God extends you ... your family, above all others, your blood ... you lift them up

when they fall, you lift them up

he said we live in a society that thrives on kicking someone when they are down

don't be that person

and he told the story of how Noah after being on the boat 192 days with his family, when they got off, he got drunk

and how Ham told everyone about it

but his other 2 sons covered him

he said, we can't stand to be in the same house with our whole families for 3 days at a Holiday, try to imagine how Noah felt ...

hahahaha

I’m sorry.  I really don't feel good today. 

and that's

I am ashamed at how I talked to my cousin yesterday

garbage spewing out

of course you talk about being around family this morning

hahaha

thank you Jesus

I hear you

oh, it was a message to me also

I've got a lot of anger in there still

a lot

yes, I understand

and I do not know if I’m ready to let go of it

lots of shame

feel dirty

Jeanne, you are Jesus' beloved

I didn't read devo's this weekend

He does not see you as dirty

I know

but he knows there is dirt in there that needs to come out

he's trying to expose your light to the world

I have an idea.

Something to hash over the next few months.

We may be able to handle it by May, and I think Tracy should be included if we decide to do it.

but, if we go to the ocean, we are going to have a funeral service.

and we are going to gather up the things we want to let go of, and let them go in the ocean.

be it a flower to represent that thing, a rock, sand, whatever ...

I saw a show and to let go of all the hurt this girl felt, her boyfriend handed her a balloon with the hurt inside, that she released and let fly away ...

I think that is exactly what we need....  all three of us.

I was thinking about when I scattered Brandy's ashes in the ocean, Jeanne. I ... there was a lot of pain there not just from losing her ...

but things had been really bad for years ... our relationship. She did a lot of bad things. I didn't respond well, or loving.

I did the best I could, and it wasn't good enough.

but when I put her in the ocean, I felt like ... I was returning her to Jesus.

and I don't dwell on, most times I don't even remember, all the bad things that she did and that happened.

I just love her.

we are free to love

so maybe we can let go of some baggage by having a funeral for it.

death set her free

Cheryl

I’m so thankful for your heart

your willingness to open it to me

I feel safe with you Jeanne. that is the blessing you are to me.

thank you. 

I think maybe that is my greatest gift

thank you

you are welcome

it may be because I never felt safe with anyone till now myself, and I want to give what I know I needed and did not have

but not everyone steps into that

you know?

and it's an honor to be trusted

right. again, that is by design. your Ka is handpicked by the one who loves us beyond measure

which is why it shames me to feel so angry at others

who

idk

I’m still so angry at my mom

at my older brother

and I’m angry at my dad for leaving me alone to take care of my mom

he was the only one Cheryl

whoever protected me

he's still helping you Jeanne

listening to the CD's I heard about a girl who's father rescued her

and I thought that I never had that

yet I know my daddy did rescue me

the little boy next door threw acid on me

and it was eating my dress away

and my daddy came running out and picked me up and took me into the bathroom ripping my dress off and putting me into the water

to keep me from getting burned

and I know he loved me

yes

and I never think of that as him answering my question

but it was him answering my question

yes it was

do you love me

but it feels like it is not enough

and with him working shifts and gone most of the time and when he was home he was so grouchy and mean

I also felt abandoned

he was my hero

but he did not have time for me

most of the time

and my mother never did love me

and I always have felt unloved

even when I was rescued it was not 'love' to me

idk how to explain it

but know how you were covered the whole time ... even thru the horrible moments ...

to be so loved now it is very uncomfortable

I don't know how to handle it

covered by Jesus

yes I was

because you demonstrate unconditional love daily

and in a second out spews hatred and filth

as soon as my heart is vulnerable that's what happens

that's what happened

yesterday

I had been listening to the CDs

and my cousin called

and I was instantly so angry

it was very strange

she was surprised when I told her I never felt loved

and it makes me think, I need too much

she said she loved me

and I’m like, well you were not my mom were you

she was three houses down for the first few years there in Cali

but I do not remember much time with her

I only remember having to 'be good' all the time

be quiet

be good

be quiet

Brandy

Dennis' theory that I bought into ... children should be seen but not heard

course, he didn't want to see her either.

that’s why I did girl scouts, and took her to dance class, and t-ball, and everything else I could think to do with her...

poor Ray

all that was gone by the time she came along

too many years of beaten down

I was too buried

you are helping me to understand how Brandy must have felt, Jeanne.

like nothing she ever did was good enough to be loved so why try

wow

you know of course that it was more Dennis fault than yours

you cannot make up for father

you are mother

nobody else can be father for her

but Jesus

father is so needed in our lives

I’m so glad that my pain is not wasted

do you understand that?

yes

it helps

being in love with Jesus is like a spiritual boot camp I think.  what does not kill you makes you stronger.  that's so true in life, and yet with him we have to be torn down and opened up and exposed so that the protection we've built up for ourselves and it's all wrong.  it may work for unbelievers but the scary thing about being in love with him is that he wants us exposed, completely exposed.

pretty terrifying, isn't it?

was talking to Tracy and what she is going through

and she did not see it

but her heart is being exposed

and I told her that

that

what a sweet aroma to God it is when we are vulnerable and exposed before others

and allow them to see into our hearts

it is a comfort

and so today those words come back to me I guess

Yes

maybe I need to be careful what I say lol

the circle

yes

it's so funny

it did not dawn on me that it was the same for me

that when my heart is exposed it blesses

both him and others

Yes

and my instinct is to hide

the pain

cover it over and protect myself

right now I am thinking, ok

the pain is worth it

to help you

to bless God

ok

you know you've said it many times, but it has been dwelling in me for weeks ... resonating ... marinating ... that we are to Love. I know that is our purpose, intellectually, but I don't always LIVE it ... like talking about folks ... my boss ... complaining ...

and that is why Joel's message was for me also last night

but to love each person at whatever level they are at

it's not about where they are at ... it is about where I AM AT

does that make sense?

what brought that home to me was something Amanda said this weekend

yes that makes sense

she said she has never thought that people should share their misery ... vent their frustrations ... that what good is it to bring someone else down with your bad thoughts and feelings

well

I think we are supposed to share

because that is how we learn

just like your pain this morning

you know?

yes

I am seeing that

it's not the same as complaining

it's opening up heart to heart

very different

right

well, even complaining is an exposure to something hurting your heart

you just don't know what the arrow is

so I think, the lesson is to learn who is in your circle .. your safe place .. your ka

and I’m recognizing that mine is much smaller than I realized

the funny thing, I was sitting there listening and I just suddenly burst into tears.  and all I could think to do was to call Tracy because she holds my heart.  and I thought, that's not fair to dump on her. but what you're saying is true, that sharing our pain exposing it is not only healing to us but others.  

yes recognize who it is safe and needful to open up to

I've had lots of people I can open so far with

and I tend to open more than they are comfortable usually

but there is a depth of my heart that I've never opened to anyone

isn't it wonderful though that you have Tracy? Thank you, Jesus.

and even with you I have not been able to go there

Tracy is the first one in my life that I truly trusted my WHOLE heart to

yes

I am so thankful for her

and she is SO LITTLE!!!

ironic

she is HUGE in God's eyes

yes

look what He's entrusted her with ...

look what He's entrusted you with ...

yes

I've never felt like anyone could 'handle' all my junk

because He knows the depths and layers He's put in you ... and Tracy ... and I ... each of us

I’m coming to the place where I think he's showing me that I have those people who can

handle it

and so much of the time this anger here, I do not understand it, it's just below the surface and it spews out and I’m surprised at it

and it's like wow where did that come from

yet I know it's there

and I’m not fooling you or Tracy  ha!

I know you both see it

and it tastes nasty, doesn't it?

but I can't bring myself to look at it

so spit it out

well

it's not safe to spit it out

unless someone is there that can love me anyway

Jesus

He already knows

yes

that's what is terrifying to me

He already knows

and He loves me anyways?

how is that possible?

but I know he knows and he loves me.  that's the strange thing.  I just don't think others could

you know what? I bet our spirits look like Quasimodo

hahaha

all these huge lumps of garbage on our shoulders

we carry it around

thinking it's part of us

so let's plan a funeral

and know that for me, I don't do funerals

yes

so this would be huge for me

I think that's completely appropriate

and needful

and I think by may it will be right on time

God is so loving that he allows these little wounds to open our hearts so that healing can take place and we might know the real love that is available.

Do not shelter others from becoming aware of the issues. 

It is good to have a wound to the heart by the master surgeon so that healing can take place.

Most people we know are stuck in the slave-master relationship with God.

They are being drawn into the Father-son relationship. 

Many Christians never reach this level of connection.

And beyond comes the betrothed-beloved union which does not consummate until we reach heaven, but it is locked and sure and promised so that even without consummation we can live as united already. 

This is the ultimate union that he desires for us. 

Consider how blessed we are to actually see and know this?!!!!! 

Our loved ones – most of them have no idea!!!!!

A heart that knows this security is available for him to use so that others may see how it can be. 

This is the vulnerability, the savory aroma that we emit that goes up to him as worship – and he adores us for it. 

Allowing others to see how secure we are in his love (enough to show our open wounds even in public) draws them into that relationship with him.

Level by level we come closer to him….. 

See.  He loves us so much!