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Hi I am a Christian, a nurse, the mother of two grown children and two grand daughters, one grandson, and 3 dogs. I love people and have a huge heart. So why am I blogging? Well I've been told that I need to publish my writings. This seemed to be the easiest way to do that. Also, I want to get out there and live life to the fullest. Empty nests are great because now I get to explore the world. I'm starting right here on my computer. So come along with me and as I learn to fly we'll soar together!

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The whole Christmas story


Once upon a time long long ago, well actually it was before time even was.  And before the earth was and the stars and the moon and all that we know.  There was a Supreme ruler – God – with his Son and with the Holy Spirit together they were before anything else.  And each of the three persons of God had certain jobs: as the ruler, the Father was the one in charge and the Son, he was the creator and the Holy Spirit was the comforter and counselor.  They lived in a place we call heaven and there was nothing but love there. 

Because there was so much love they decided that they needed to share with others.  So first they created Angels to do the chores.  There were lots of angels, one was Gabriel a messenger and Michael the warrior and Lucifer the most beautiful angel who was music and who got to stand beside the Father and worship and make music all the time.  It was a glorious place and all was beautiful and the love just flowed everywhere. 

But one day one of the angels did something that nobody ever thought could happen.  It was Lucifer, the most beautiful angel of all who had music and song and worship as his being.  What did he do?  The most horrible thing anyone had ever heard of.  He decided that he wanted to be God and rule and have others worship him instead of God!  And because Lucifer was so special he was able to talk a third of the rest of the angels into being on his side to worship and follow him instead of God.

So there was a great war in heaven.  All the angels fought against each other because Lucifer could never be the Supreme ruler.  And Lucifer was thrown out of heaven and all of his followers with him and he was condemned by God and stripped of all his beauty and God even changed his name to Satan.  And we call him the devil.

And God the Father was very sad and he still wanted to share his love.  So God decided to create humans to share love with.  And he sent Jesus to create the heavens and the earth and the stars and galaxies and everything that we know, just for us because he wanted us to have a beautiful place to live and lots of fun living there. 

After Jesus made the whole thing he put animals and trees and plants and all kinds of things on the earth for the humans to enjoy.  Then he made the first man whose name was Adam and he breathed life into Adam and he gave him a job to do that he would really love.  He told Adam to be in charge of the earth and rule over it in His place.  Take care of everything and enjoy all that he had created.  He also gave him the job of naming all the animals too.  So while Adam was naming all the kinds of animals he noticed that there were male and female animals - each had a mate to belong to and he asked God about this.  He said “I do not have a female companion for myself.  What’s up with that?”

So God said – I will put you to sleep and I will make a female companion for you out of your own flesh, someone who will be a human like you and she will help you survive here on earth.  So God made Adam go to sleep and he took a rib from Adam’s side and he made Eve from Adam’s rib. 

OK - Now I know this does not sound like the Christmas story, but how can I tell you a story by starting from the middle???   So let me get this history for you so you can see how really really special Christmas really is.

Anyway when Adam woke up God brought him the female that he had made from Adam’s rib.  Adam said, WOAH now that’s what I’m talking about!  And he called her woman.  And Eve was her owe special name that means ‘mother of all mankind’.

Now God had made Adam and Eve to be just like him, like miniature images of himself and made them with a spirit just like the Holy Spirit.  He gave them the ability to love him, or to choose not to love him because love is not real love unless it is given freely.  You see, God did not want robots, he wanted friends and companions to enjoy and who would enjoy him too.

God spent lots of time with them in a special place that he had made called the Garden of Eden.  Everything there was beautiful with lots to eat and everything that they needed.  Nobody needed any clothes because it was nice and warm already, and also because they didn’t even know that they were naked.  But
God gave them one rule: Do not eat the fruit from that one special tree.  Otherwise you can eat anything else you want and run and play and enjoy everything I have made for you.  And they did.

When Satan came to see the humans he got really really mad because God had given Adam and Eve the job of ruling earth.  He decided that if he could not rule everything then he wanted to rule the earth.  And also he was really really really mad that God had made this creature called woman because he saw that she had all the beauty that he once had and that she was even given an ability that nobody else had been given.  She could bring life into the world just like God. 

And Satan was still very powerful and he could still talk others into what he wanted.  So he set out to trick them into breaking the only rule there was, to make them eat the fruit of the forbidden tree in the garden.  One day while God was not there, he came sneaking upon them disguised as a snake and he proceeded to trick them into believing that God was holding out on them by not letting them have that special fruit.  He made them doubt God’s love, the worst possible thing that they could do.

Well Eve took the fruit and she ate it and she gave it to her husband, who was right there all along, and he ate it too and instantly they knew that things were not good.  For one thing, they realized that they were naked so they ran away to hide.   And they knew that they had betrayed their friend God.   When God came to be with his friends he saw that they were hiding and afraid.  And God knew what had happened, and he was very very sad because this meant that their friendship would be changed and that everything would be different.

Because they did not trust God’s heart they had to leave the garden to go somewhere else and they would never be able to go back.  Separation from God meant that now there would be death.  And because they disobeyed God and did what Satan wanted them to do, then that made Satan the ruler of the earth now.  They were his slaves.  What a mess!

Now: As horrible as this was and as bad as it seemed God already knew it was going to happen and he already had a made plan to save humans.  You see he loved the humans so much that he was not willing to just let them be slaves of Satan.   Lots of time went by and lots of things happened while God tried and tried to get humans to love him back, but there were not very many who did.  Satan ruled the world now and he made it harder and harder for people to get to know who God really is.  He made people think God was far away and that he did not care about them.  He even got to the point that he made people think that there was no God even!  And for the ones who were looking for God, Satan made a foul thing happen to them.  He got them so tangled into rules and regulations that God was almost impossible to find through it all.  And they only felt worse and worse because they were told that they had to be good in order to measure up.  Because of all the rules, they were sure to break at least one of them, so all of them thought that they were not good enough for God to love.  This too broke God’s heart, and He tried everything to get them to see the truth that he loved them all along.

Finally it was time for God’s plan!!! 

You see, God had kept it a secret, but gave us hints all along.  A young girl who was not married yet would became pregnant from the Holy Spirit and she would give birth to the Savior – the only one who could rescue us from the hands of the enemy!  So, in the middle of this war zone where people were under the influence of Satan, God sent Jesus to come down to earth, behind enemy lines, and become a human himself!  A secret infiltration into enemy territory in the middle of this war for the hearts of mankind – Jesus came and he was born just like what God had told the people was going to happen! 

God chose a girl named Mary who was to be married to Joseph a carpenter.  He sent one of his angels, Gabriel the messenger, to tell her the good news.  At first she was very afraid, but Gabriel told her that God was with her and she was greatly favored!  He said you will be the mother of the Christ child, the Son of God.  She was confused of course because she was a virgin and had never been married before.  But Gabriel told her that the Holy Spirit would come over her and the power of God would make this happen.  So she said ok, I am the servant of God, let it happen just like you said.  And it did!

When her fiancĂ© Joseph found out that she was pregnant he did not know that it was God’s baby, but he loved her and did not want to shame her so he was going to divorce her in secret so that she would not be killed.  But God came to him in a dream and told him that this was from God and that he was still supposed to marry Mary.  So he did not divorce her and he kept her for his wife.  He would be the step father for the baby Jesus.

Jesus was coming to earth, but not to a castle as a king with a crown, celebrated in the capital of the land.  He was coming in disguise as a humble baby born to a poor couple in a very small town.  God had planned the whole thing from the very beginning of time.  He had even planned for a different celebration of this birth by showing some other people about the wonderful coming of his son with a special star in the sky.  So from far far away three kings came to witness this birth, special kings that were very wise and could read the signs in the heavens, called magi.  So they came to Bethlehem at just the right time to see the true King and witness this miracle of God.  And they brought gifts to give to the new king – gold frankincense and myrrh.  

Meantime the rulers of the country that they lived in made a law that everyone had to go be counted in the city where they came from.  So Joseph and Mary had to go on a long journey to Bethlehem, the city of David because that was his ancestry where he came from.  And while they were gone on their trip it came time for Mary to have her baby.  When Joseph and Mary got to Bethlehem there was no hotel or inn to stay at – everyone else had got there first and they were all filled up, so they had to go to the only place that was available, to a stable where sheep and horses and donkeys lived.  And that’s where Jesus came into the world. 

And nearby where some shepherds on a hill with their sheep watching guard in the night.  Suddenly just as Jesus was born angels came from heaven rejoicing and singing about the wonderful news, but they made everyone afraid!  (Because they’re some very fierce things, angels).  But they said oh don’t be afraid, we came to tell you the good news, that everything is going to be fixed, that God has sent his son to save you!  And so the shepherds also went to see the new baby Jesus.  The angels said to follow this special star and you will find the baby in a manger sleeping next to the sheep.   So they went and they found him lying in a manger just like the angels had said, wrapped up in cloths where Mary had placed him.  And the shepherds were very happy singing and praising God for this wonderful news.  And they went to tell everyone that the Savior was here!
And that is why we celebrate Christmas day.

But, this story is really only half over because lots more happened.  Jesus came and lived and was killed and was brought back to life by God the Father and you know what?  That is how he took back the earth from Satan so that we don’t ever have to be slaves again.  All we ever need to do is to love God and love each other and we’ll all live happily ever after.  But wait!  It’s not over.

You see, there is still a war going on.  Satan – the devil – did not give up even though he lost two times to God.  He still fights to get people to follow him.  And he still tries to make us think that God is far away or not even real.  Or even worse, he tries to make us think that all God wants is for us to be good and follow all the rules, to be good enough, when that’s not it at all.  God just wants us to love him and for us to let him love us right back. 
And you know what?  The most wonderful thing happens when we love God.  All the rules just sort of go away because when we love Him He comes to live in our hearts and we just don’t even want to break the rules any more.  Knowing that we are loved makes us want to love everyone else.  And we don’t have to try to be anything or anyone besides just who He made us to be, because every one of us was made so special and unique that we can be the only one to love God the special way we were made to.  And God’s heart is so big that he has room for every one of us to fit in it.

And now you see, Christmas is the day when God gave us the best present ever.  He gave us back our freedom from Satan.  He gave us back to Himself to love! So we celebrate Christmas because it is Jesus birthday, the best gift of all.  Happy Birthday Jesus!   Thank you for coming to rescue us and bring us back to God.

Friday, December 21, 2012

vision - clarity


When we look back over our lives we all have stories, most of us thinking that it was our own fault that got us into the mess that is our history, or just chance, or whatever. 
But when we look at it in light of the war for our hearts it becomes quite clear that the enemy has tried to take each of us out in different ways. 
Has tried to bind our hearts into ineffectiveness and keep us from being who God made us to be. 
Isn't it awesome to realize that what the enemy meant for harm Jesus used to our good and his own glory!!!

Jesus sings me love songs!
I’m not just worth saving, I’m adored!
He’s not in it just to fix us
He LOVES us with all his heart!

Nothing is as it seems
Re-examine everything you once thought you knew
Believe only what your heart confirms
Be exactly who you are
Live from your heart!

Monday, December 17, 2012

the song of my heart after a very difficult week.



A few weeks ago my mom called and asked me to give her the power of attorney document back which she and my dad had made for me so that I could take care of their medical and financial decisions.  He was ill and so was she and neither of them was in any mental condition to be able to decide things on their own.  Since then my dad has died and I've been handling my mom’s situation without any problem.

We have had tension between us.  I am not my dad and I am not capable of being her ‘everything’ as he was.  She has never been on her own and she expected me to ‘take care’ of her just like he did.  I’d promised him before I died to take care of her.  But we have different understandings of what that meant obviously.  I’m not a coddler and I cannot fill the void in my mom – much less fix her.  She has put an enormous pressure on me and because she has a 3 yr old sense of emotional maturity she tries to manipulate me into being what she wants me to be.  I of course refuse.  I am not responsible to fix her, as I said, and even if I were I could not.  I've given her everything I could and the best that I could: being Jesus love, trying to show her that being broken is not the only way to live.  I have loved her and have tried to honor her and tried to give her skills to live independently as well.  My job was not to do for her but to give her the opportunity to learn how to do for herself as I saw it.  And she has gotten better and stronger and other than having her childlike tantrums over nobody to take care of her.  

She has not appreciated my way of taking care of her.  She went to Missouri this past summer with Danny and I do not know if this is it but it’s all I could think of – other than her trying to manipulate me – yet again.  Her aunt passed away and their grand children were like vultures over the estate evidently.  I can’t think why she would be concerned that I would be like that.  I've had legal access and physical access to her money for several years and have not touched a cent or even tried.  I’m not concerned about her money for myself.  Only that she does not lose it before she is gone.  Duffy on the other hand has tried to get hold of her money, at least in part, more than once.  He’s defrauded her by using her credit card without permission.  He’s taken her property and sold it for money for himself.  He’s taken money on loan and never repaid her.  He lies and is a thief.  That’s the bottom line.  When at a meeting with her financial adviser we decided that she needed to close that credit card account and open another one with only her and I having access.  So that he could not use it ‘accidently’ as he stated was the case.  That’s what we did and until now she has not given him the number at all.  Also she has had me use it for her for several things without any problems.

All of this is simply to indicate that I've dealt with my mom with integrity and honor.  I have not used her or tried to manipulate her into giving me money for anything.  My brother has let his property go to the point that it was days away from being auctioned due to back taxes – which I paid for him.  I've not been reimbursed either. 

So….  When she told me that she wanted the power of attorney back it hit me to the core of who I am.  It was insulting, hurtful and showed me that she was not thinking straight.  And I got angry.  She said that I had shown her that I did not like her and did not want to be around her.  This is true.  I do not like her.  She is a child and manipulative and incapable of thinking of others whatsoever.  She is selfish.  And I told her so.  I told her that we have nothing in common and I do not like her.  I do love her, she is my mother, and I am not going to go back on my word to my dad to take care of her.  But she was right, I do not like her and do not like spending time with her.  I also told her that if she removed the power of attorney then she would be taking away my ability to help her when she needed me. So she said she would not do it.

Well I asked her the other day on a hunch if she had revoked it.  She said yes.  It is registered at the courthouse that I have no control at all in her affairs.  And I got so angry because she has no idea what she has done to herself and because she has slapped me and my dad in the face by doing this.  She said she is an independent person.  And she said that she did it because I told her that I hated her.  I said no such thing.  So I went over to talk to her and sort it out.  She said that I hated her and I said no I do not hate you I love you, you are my mother.  I do not like you.  We have nothing in common at all but I love you.  And she said like and love are the same thing.  And so I told her to take me out of the will, out of the entire thing.  If I am such a threat to her that she has to remove my ability to help her then I want her to get the facts.  I do not want her money.  I never did and I never will.  Take me out of the will completely.  Take me off of the bank account, the safety deposit box and remove me from being executor of her will.  I do not want anything to do with this anymore.  You have insulted my integrity and hurt me beyond repair.  I still love you but I want nothing else to do with you.  I do not have any legal right to have your back any more and you are now on your own.  Duffy will take whatever he can get and I cannot stop him now.

I do not like confrontation.  I do not like it when people don’t like me.  My mother as much as called me a thief and in her attempts to manipulate me into doing what she wants she has pushed me away completely.  She has twisted the arrow in my heart that has been there forever which tells me that I am not good enough.  She has hurt me beyond repair.  I will do what I need to but I cannot invest any more of my heart in her.
And that was Thursday evening.

All week long I have had my head in severe pain from the nerve damage done after surgery on the bone tumor.

Friday I woke up with severe pain in my right hip almost making it so I could not walk.  It was not a good day but I got through work with my friend’s love.  Cheryl comforted me and listened while I vented and cried about my mom.

That day I found a house that might be the one for Amanda and Denny and went to see it.  It is wonderful and Denny came to see it and agreed.  So we put an offer on it. 

That lifted my spirits a lot.  But still underneath was the turmoil of my relationship with my mom.  And I was restless Saturday all day.  However I was half way in waking and sleep and thinking of the relationship I have with my children.  I’m so thankful that my daughter and I are close.  I’m so thankful that I've got a son who loves me and respects me as well.  I was pondering the fact that he has joined his wife’s family and pretty much left ours.  I was not bemoaning it or upset, just thinking about the dynamics of things whey it occurred to me that in a marriage the bride is ‘given away’ to the groom.  She belongs to him and his family when she is married.  Not the other way around.  Both of course have their own family – a new one.   Leave and cleave.   And it occurred to me that as the bride of Jesus I've been given to Him.  I no longer belong to my mom’s family, I belong to Jesus family.  We have our own now. 

For a while now I've been building ancestry, looking for connection to something to belong to, a past that I could call my own – beyond the painful family that I was born into – a history of something more and deeper.   I've also been searching for a love that was more than I've ever known a true love relationship that I could depend on at last as my very own.  Most of my life I've not felt loved.  My mom did not love me.  She told me so.  The hardest arrow…

So all day Saturday I just relaxed and enjoyed being in a warm home.  I played games on the computer and thought a bit about the relationship stuff.  It was a comfort to me to realize that I had no allegiance to this world as Jesus bride.  To know that I no longer had to feel bad about what has become my inability to help my mom any more.  Knowing that she was the one who severed the relationship was not enough to give me peace about it since I know that she is not capable of making those decisions clearly.  But knowing Jesus was my family now and that I have left that other family behind is allowing me to see that I am no longer going to be held responsible for her. 

Of course my heart has continued to yearn for love.  It has longed to hear Jesus voice telling me that I am His and that my heart belongs to him, and his to me.  Of course I've continued to search near and far for someone here and now to give me what I honestly know is not possible from any human man.  My heart has searched anyway.

So I turned on the TV and saw the movie Robin Hood was on, I’d missed most of it.  But I turned it on anyway because it is such a beautiful love story.  And I was just in time for the credits to begin, and….   And…. Then it happened.  The music came on and I knew the song, love the song, dreamt of being the object of the song ever since I’d first heard it.  But this time hearing it was amazing.  You see….  This time it was Jesus singing it to me.  This time it became personal.  This time the words came into my heart, a love song meant just for my ears.  Telling me that his love for me was the reason for all he does, has done, and ever will do.  His love telling me that what he felt for me meant more to him than his own life.  Telling me that he’d die for me…

And the upside down painful world of broken dreams lost opportunities and sad loneliness that I've known was made right.  My heart is what he has been after, not to change or to fix even.  My heart is what his heart has been longing for.  And it’s true, everything he does – he does it for me.

Look into my eyes, you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart, search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you

Look into your heart, you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am, take my life
I would give it all, I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do, I do it for you
Oh yeah

There's no love, like your love
And no other, could give more love
There's nowhere, unless you're there
All the time, all the way, yeah

Look into your heart, baby

Oh, you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
Yeah, I would fight for you, give it all for you
Walk the wire for you, yeah I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do, oh, I do it for you

Everything I do, darling
And we'll see it through
Oh we'll see it through
Oh yeah

Yeah!

Look into your heart
You can't tell me it ain't worth dying for
Oh yeah

I'll be there, yeah
I'll walk the wire
Oh, yeah

I'm going all the way, all the way, yeah


I did change one line slightly in this song which, after all, was written by a human man.  This only because I know without a doubt that Jesus would never lie.


And wouldn’t you know it.  RHM devo’s came on the heels of all this speaking to the rest of my heart’s cries….

The Trap of Integrity

Let me tell you, few things can mess you up as badly as trying to do your best. For the tender heart, the earnest heart, it is so discouraging to give all you have trying to do what you think Jesus would have you do, and find yourself falling short, sabotaging your own efforts at every turn. Discouragement and shame settle in like a long Seattle rain.

And this is what most Christians experience as the Christian life. Try harder; feel worse.
I spoke of cunning traps that replace the simple priority of loving Jesus. Here is a very surprising one—the trap of integrity. What I mean by this is when our attention turns to maintaining personal righteousness. This seems noble and right. Jesus told us to keep his commands. But this can be a trap because most Christians interpret this as “Try harder; do your best.”

I find myself slipping back into this weekly. A handful of symptoms tip me off. Exhaustion, for one. I’ll just find myself wrung out again. Or an unnamed internal distress; my insides all twisted up. Discouragement, that old nagging cloud of “I’m totally blowing it” back over me. Irritation with needy people. These symptoms—and a host of others—are the collateral damage that results from trying my best. They let me know I’ve fallen back to thinking that to love Jesus is to give my very best in living for him. And this is a sticky business. Because on the one hand, that’s true—to love him is to obey. But out of what resources? From what fountain of inner strength?But didn’t Jesus warn, “Apart from me you can do nothing” (John 15:5)? The good news is this—you were never meant to imitate Christ.

His revolution is not self-transformation, but his transformation of us, from the inside out, as we receive his life and allow him to live through us. Vine, branch. Anything else is madness.
(Beautiful Outlaw, 229, 230)


And then this one:

We Can Only Hope for What We Desire
Once we come to accept that we can never find or hang on to the life we have been seeking, what then? As Dallas Willard writes, it matters for all the world to know that life is ahead of us.

I meet many faithful Christians who, in spite of their faith, are deeply disappointed in how their lives have turned out. Sometimes it is simply a matter of how they experience aging, which they take to mean they no longer have a future. But often, due to circumstances or wrongful decisions and actions by others, what they had hoped to accomplish in life they did not . . . Much of the distress of these good people comes from a failure to realize that their life lies before them . . . the life that lies endlessly before us in the kingdom of God. (The Divine Conspiracy)

Blaise Pascal also observed, "We are never living, but hoping to live; and whilst we are always preparing to be happy, it is certain, we never shall be so, if we aspire to no other happiness than what can be enjoyed in this life."

Desire cannot live without hope. Yet, we can only hope for what we desire. There simply must be something more, something out there on the road ahead of us, that offers the life we prize. To sustain the life of the heart, the life of deep desire, we desperately need to possess a clearer picture of the life that lies before us.
(Desire , 104-5)




Friday, December 14, 2012

Long road home


I look at the road ahead and I cannot see the end.
But neither can I see the beginning any longer - no way back - so it must be onward.
It has to be onward.
Through the pain which - right now seems impossible to get through.
I am a coward.
I do not want to go on.
I want rest and deep down I know that on this side there is no rest.
And my heart is weary and it longs for home.
All I can do is breathe and go through my day one at a time minute by minute and deal with what comes up next.
I have absolutely no control over anything in spite of all my plans and crafting.
And the most terrifying thing is that I cannot see where I'm going, not one step ahead of me.
I go blindly into the future towards what my heart has told me is good and worthwhile.
So now all I can do is trust my heart.
All I can do is hope that the connection is sure and true and solid with the only hope there is for love.
For, love is the ultimate goal, the prize that makes everything worthwhile.
I have placed all my chips on this one bet, that Jesus is who he is and that he is true.


Monday, December 3, 2012

the season of need and want and the answer I did not want.....

I sit here at work today
coughing and crying - eyes red from irritation of some unknown source.
lungs rebelling at another unknown source
and my heart aching as is normal for this time of year
I watched the Lord of the Rings - the Return of the King yesterday and cried all through it.
the valor of men
their nobility
their ability to rise to the occasion of need
the heart it takes to stand in the face of sure destruction and fight anyway
the love of all that is good and willingness to lay down their lives for that love.
I cried because I have never known a man of such stature, such heart.
I cried because my heart aches to know such a man.
I cried because deep down I feel that it is only something of myths and stories.
I cried because I am growing older and less beautiful and less desirable and less able to attract any man.
I cried because I am lonely.

I hate this time of year
it's lack of color
the chill that makes my bones ache
the trees stripped of their leaves
all gray brown and lifeless it seems
and the commercial lights and endless begging of advertisements drive me crazy
I hate it
stop
just stop

I made a decision to be GiGi for my beloved friends and their families
I love them all so much
and I want to be needed I guess

I have tried to find a house for my daughter and her family and every time I am thwarted

I sit and play my war game with imaginary soldiers and 'friends' in cyberspace that I do not really know
but whose company are the most consistent in my life right now. I think perhaps some romance can come of it with someone there.


I have no idea why I am still here.
I feel completely useless and alone.
and I tell Cheryl about it who is going through similar feelings but instead of a man she grieves the loss of her daughter - the anniversary of that phone call coming up on the 5th.

and I sit here and wonder because every question I ask Jesus is like talking to a brick wall.
I hear and feel nothing.
the silence is deafening.
and I grieve over the life that could have been, should have been mine.

then Cheryl who also is hearing nothing at the moment says look at J.E. devo for today...



Hemmed In

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even.
He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul - and ours - that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue.
Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes;
I will wall her in so she cannot find her way.
She will chase after her lovers but not catch them;
she will look for them but not find them.
Hosea 2:6-7
Jesus has to thwart us too - thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our "salvation," for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our heart remains broken and captive and far from the One who can help us.
And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all.
(Captivating, 96-97)



so Jesus. Holy Spirit. Father, Abba.
I cry out to you to save me.
Save me from the heartache.
Save me from my own devices to rescue myself.
Save me from the loneliness.
Save me from myself.
Save me from turning any direction but to you.