the season of need and want and the answer I did not want.....

I sit here at work today
coughing and crying - eyes red from irritation of some unknown source.
lungs rebelling at another unknown source
and my heart aching as is normal for this time of year
I watched the Lord of the Rings - the Return of the King yesterday and cried all through it.
the valor of men
their nobility
their ability to rise to the occasion of need
the heart it takes to stand in the face of sure destruction and fight anyway
the love of all that is good and willingness to lay down their lives for that love.
I cried because I have never known a man of such stature, such heart.
I cried because my heart aches to know such a man.
I cried because deep down I feel that it is only something of myths and stories.
I cried because I am growing older and less beautiful and less desirable and less able to attract any man.
I cried because I am lonely.

I hate this time of year
it's lack of color
the chill that makes my bones ache
the trees stripped of their leaves
all gray brown and lifeless it seems
and the commercial lights and endless begging of advertisements drive me crazy
I hate it
stop
just stop

I made a decision to be GiGi for my beloved friends and their families
I love them all so much
and I want to be needed I guess

I have tried to find a house for my daughter and her family and every time I am thwarted

I sit and play my war game with imaginary soldiers and 'friends' in cyberspace that I do not really know
but whose company are the most consistent in my life right now. I think perhaps some romance can come of it with someone there.


I have no idea why I am still here.
I feel completely useless and alone.
and I tell Cheryl about it who is going through similar feelings but instead of a man she grieves the loss of her daughter - the anniversary of that phone call coming up on the 5th.

and I sit here and wonder because every question I ask Jesus is like talking to a brick wall.
I hear and feel nothing.
the silence is deafening.
and I grieve over the life that could have been, should have been mine.

then Cheryl who also is hearing nothing at the moment says look at J.E. devo for today...

Hemmed In

Why did God curse Eve with loneliness and heartache, an emptiness that nothing would be able to fill? Wasn't her life going to be hard enough out there in the world, banished from the Garden that was her true home, her only home, never able to return? It seems unkind. Cruel, even. He did it to save her. For as we all know personally, something in Eve's heart shifted at the fall. Something sent its roots down deep into her soul - and ours - that mistrust of God's heart, that resolution to find life on our own terms. So God has to thwart her. In love, he has to block her attempts until, wounded and aching; she turns to him and him alone for her rescue. Therefore I will block her path with thorn bushes; I will wall her in so she cannot find her way. She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Hosea 2:6-7 Jesus has to thwart us too - thwart our self-redemptive plans, our controlling and our hiding, thwart the ways we are seeking to fill the ache within us. Otherwise, we would never fully turn to him for our rescue. Oh, we might turn to him for our "salvation," for a ticket to heaven when we die. We might turn to him even in the form of Christian service, regular church attendance, a moral life. But inside, our heart remains broken and captive and far from the One who can help us. And so you will see the gentle, firm hand of God in a woman's life hemming her in. Wherever it is we have sought life apart from him, he disrupts our plans, our "way of life" which is not life at all. (Captivating, 96-97)

so Jesus. Holy Spirit. Father, Abba.
I cry out to you to save me.
Save me from the heartache.
Save me from my own devices to rescue myself.
Save me from the loneliness.
Save me from myself.
Save me from turning any direction but to you.