02/22/12 ok i hear you

ok, i'm sitting here getting more and more irritated.  there's a person that is standing across from us, the other side of the aisle - literally, talking and talking and talking.  she has a loud voice.  i cannot see her, don't know her name or who she is, but i now know all about her pink eye potential, her aspirations to work in a place with less hours, how to toss a ball, etc. etc. etc.  
i got up and went to the bathroom, sat in there for i think maybe 20 minutes - concentrating.....
i went to the break room to make my soup for lunch.
i come back to my desk and there is the voice.  still going on.
i have my headphones on and they are nowhere near drowning out the voice.
now.  i didn't get a lot of sleep last nite, and my head hurts, and i am irritable, i know.
so i'm trying to ignore this voice.  but it's difficult.
just about the time i think, i can either tell my mgr, or go speak to her myself
(the last time i did that there was quite an incident between me and another person, so i hesitate)
so i look at my email inbox and there is todays devo from Lysa TerKeurst's blog which says:

A few weeks ago two of my kids were having a growth opportunity. If you’ve been hanging out here on my blog for a while, you know ‘growth opportunity’ is the phrase us TerKeurst’s use for a ‘fight.’

It’s like when people say pink is the new black. Growth opportunity is the new fight.

Anyhow.

Back to the two kids who love each other but didn’t like each other very much in the heat of the moment.

I pulled out my proverbial soap box, got my hand positioned just right on my hip, and told these two youngin’s to look outside the window of our home. Outside our home exists a world of people who may or may not be nice to us. There are no guarantees.

But inside this house… (I turned the two children toward one another) … there are certain guarantees.

Since the day I birthed you, which by the way was excruciatingly painful but that is a topic for another day, I have preached one sermon about the words spoken in our home. It is a simple sermon. Before you part your little sweetheart lips to speak, you must ask yourself this question: Are my words kind, necessary, and true?

If the answer to all three parts of that question is yes… proceed ahead.

If the answer to any part of that question is no… stop the words from coming out.

Does that mean there is no room to address the hard issues with one another? No. But it will always be done with a spirit of kindness using only words that are necessary and true.

I then ushered these precious ones outside to a bench in my front yard and instructed them to figure out their issues between the two of them. But they were not going to bring words into my house unless they were kind, necessary, and true. Thank you very much. Have a nice time on this cold little bench on this cold little day.

Be sure when reading that last paragraph to do it with the mama attitude. I’ll wait right here if you need to go back and re-read with attitude.

So. There are these Scripture verses in James that I’m considering tattooing on the palm of my hand.

Well, maybe not the needle kind of tattoo… maybe just a henna thingy.

But think of how handy it would be just to flash my palm up in the midst of my people’s growth opportunities with this verse in bold ink: “With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My people, this should not be,” (James 3: 9-10).

That same chapter of James goes on to read, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice,” verse 16.

Have mercy. I do not want disorder and every evil practice to be invited into my home. And if ugly words are the key that opens the door for all that evil mess, than by golly I will do everything with the power of Jesus in me to tame tongues. My tongue. Their tongue. And even my dogs’ tongues if I suspect they’re having some issues with this.

And all my Jesus girlfriends said, Amen!

He's messin with me today!

payback for the two pints of icecream i ate for dinner last nite, i'm sure!

2/22/12 for those who have eyes to see....

You know, God's inspiration to us comes from everywhere.  

And I used to think that - well, spiritual truths can't come from just anyone or anywhere, because those people are not God's - but realizing that as He created each of us with gifts and talents, even an expression of that talent or gift by a person who does not belong to Him, is still an expression of Him.  Sometimes, granted, it is so distorted that it loses it's sweetness and luster.  

But in every artist, musician, writer, thinker, actor, athelet, in every person with a gift that is exercised there is a potential to see God

We are, after all, made in His image.

And all of creation, including people - if not more significantly, people - God is evident.

Everything points to Him because He made everything.

....for those who have eyes to see.... 

2/22/12 1 Corinthians 13:13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Reading through the things I’ve written these last few years I see such huge growth

I’m so honored and humbled by his love

To finally know

Really know

Brings tears to my eyes

It’s overwhelming to be so loved...

And the amazing thing is that I feel so secure in it

It’s not like anything I’ve ever experienced before

Part of me fears losing it because nothing else has ever been this good.

But that's just the thing, I know I can't

It’s not fleeting like every other good thing I’ve ever had in my life.

I have to learn to rest in it.  I am learning to trust this connection with God more and more.

I’ve never been able to do that before

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD Psalm 46:10

It makes me look at my life differently.

Personal battles that have long plagued me...my weight and the way I look have bothered me.

I want to do something, whatever it takes.  My health, knowing that I’m the place where His love resides could burden me with the weight of guilt like it has for years, without the solid connection of knowing that love.

And I could run ahead and work on me.  I could do what I’ve always done with my stubborn strength.

But I have to wait...

Because the problem, contrary to popular opinion, is not as simple as over eating and under exercising: The problem is being out of balance.

We are spiritual beings, physical follows spiritual. 

I’m growing spiritually. 

I’ve been anemic in my connection with God and the love that is available to me.

So I’ve got to give myself time to allow my physical forms to align with the spiritual connection, with my heart. My heart was so wounded that my body could not overcome the pain and be whole.  My spirit had to be healed; my heart had to be open to that healing.  My soul – heart and spirit – connected to Jesus made the difference, allowing the love to penetrate, finally.

It’s funny to think that all these years as a believer, my heart was not connected

I was connected, but not via my heart because my heart was not open.  The wonderful thing though, is that he was with me. He is faithful, so faithful.

So all along he was there, waiting patiently until I let him in where he needed to be in order for me to be who I truly am.  In order to be healed and whole.

And now, now it’s so utterly different.

This is more solid than anything has ever been, more true

I know I can stand on it

So why do I still indulge in over eating or whatever?

Maybe it’s old habits?

Or not listening to that voice

But he is so patient

My flesh has been used to getting its way

Paul said it like this: Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. Romans 7:20

His explanation sounded so legalistic to me

Yet now I understand.

The voice of love from my heart is so soft and humble that my screaming flesh drowns it out if I am not listening.

I think that it's a matter of me focusing on the right voice: learning discerning staying in the connection.

So my job is not to work on me, it's to work on listening, hearing Jesus voice better

I want to hear it

I want to know this love, more and more.

I want to live in it

And nothing I do externally can make that happen for me

I’ve conquered that fleshly kind of thing before over and over with sheer will power, and believe me; I have a very strong will.

But it does not last because of where it is built from.

It’s not built on the security of love

And so it's worthless..... as is everything else built from anything other than that connection, that love.

There are people dropping like flies, going to hell at breakneck speed because they find no hope.

No hope in life, no hope for their wounded hearts.

That - right there - is the reason for the 'great commission'. 

To go into the world and tell everyone – it's to tell them that there is hope.

Love is available. Their hearts can be healed

It is not difficult to share this love with those who are hungry.

It’s not a chore.  And it’s not an invitation to bondage.

It truly is the good news, the answer, the way, the truth, the light to our paths.

Jesus is love walking.

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.  1 John 4:8

We need to get out of our heads and open our hearts to be free.

Truth is freedom. 

Love is Truth.

Just like the Trinity

Faith, Hope, and Love – these three remain.  But the greatest of these is Love.

You think maybe Paul was on to something here?????

Synonyms for the name God:

Love

Jesus

Truth

Hope

Light

Freedom

Life

Peace

[this list is soooo not exhaustive.....  hahaha.] 

Psalm 42:
 1 As the deer pants for streams of water, 
   so my soul pants for you, my God. 
2 My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. 
   When can I go and meet with God?

David ( I assume) writes about a God he had never met, yet His love consumed him.
I feel the same way, but what joy to be able to say that He walks with me and talks with me, and that I've had the humbling great honor to meet Him.
Jesus is not a distant deity to fear and worship from afar.  He is a living person to love and adore and know intimately.
My heart and my soul too thirsts for Him, and I drink and am satisfied.

02/22/12 Tapestry

do you remember that old Carole King song 'Tapestry"?

My life has been a tapestry of rich and royal hue
An everlasting vision of the ever changing view
A wondrous woven magic in bits of blue and gold
A tapestry to feel and see, impossible to hold


 I love that section because it's so true of my life.
except I'd change the word 'magic' to be 'blessings'
and the fact that I cannot see the pattern from my perspective
but God has been weaving my life into a beautiful tapestry
wondrous with rich and royal hues, everlasting and oh so beautiful

Every step of the way, every hour and every moment
He has orchestrated it into part of His story
I am honored to be a subplot in the grand scheme
I am delighted that He is weaving me even now
What this tapestry will look like once finished I do not know.

But God, in His infinite love has beautiful wondrous blessings in mind
this I know for sure, and I call to mind,
the steadfast love of Jesus never ceases, it is new every morning
great is His faithfulness

2/14/12 just had to post my love song to Jesus

Sometimes it amazes me
How strong the power of love can be
Sometimes you just take my breath away
You watch my love grow like a child
Sometimes gentle and sometimes wild
Sometimes you just take my breath away

And it's too good to slip by
Too good to lose
Too good to be there just to use
I'm gonna stand up on a mountain top
And tell the news
That you take my breath away

Sometimes it amazes me
How strong the power of love can be
Sometimes you just take my breath away
Your beauty is there in all I see
And when I feel your eyes on me
Oh don't you know you just take my breath away

And it's too good to slip by
Too good to lose
Too good to be there just to use
I'm gonna stand up on a mountain top
And tell the news
That you take my breath away

And it's too good to slip by
Too good to lose
Too good to be there just to use
I'm gonna stand up on a mountain top
And tell the news
That you take my breath away

Oh yes you take my breath away

I heard this sung by Eva Cassedy
it was so lovely.
Writer: CLAIRE HAMILL 

Psalm 19 NIV

 ¹ The heavens declare the glory of God;
   the skies proclaim the work of his hands.
² Day after day they pour forth speech;
   night after night they reveal knowledge.
³ They have no speech, they use no words;
   no sound is heard from them.
⁴ Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,
   their words to the ends of the world.
In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.
 ⁵ It is like a bridegroom coming out of his chamber,
   like a champion rejoicing to run his course.
⁶ It rises at one end of the heavens
   and makes its circuit to the other;
   nothing is deprived of its warmth.
 ⁷ The law of the LORD is perfect,
   refreshing the soul.
The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy,
   making wise the simple.
⁸ The precepts of the LORD are right,
   giving joy to the heart.
The commands of the LORD are radiant,
   giving light to the eyes.
⁹ The fear of the LORD is pure,
   enduring forever.
The decrees of the LORD are firm,
   and all of them are righteous.
 ¹⁰ They are more precious than gold,
   than much pure gold;
they are sweeter than honey,
   than honey from the honeycomb.
¹¹ By them your servant is warned;
   in keeping them there is great reward.
¹² But who can discern their own errors?
   Forgive my hidden faults.
¹³ Keep your servant also from willful sins;
   may they not rule over me.
Then I will be blameless,
   innocent of great transgression.
 ¹⁴ May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart
   be pleasing in your sight,
   LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

February 14th, 2012 Valentines Day

Oh joy, it's a day dedicated to love.
and I'm so in love with Jesus that it makes my heart bubble over with joy.
He's the bridegroom, I am his beloved and there is only happily ever after for us in the future.
Jesus is a real hard act to follow guys.

4/20/09

Unguarded strength is double weakness.  
The Bible characters fell on their strong points, never on their weak ones.  
What is my strength?  
Is it not my heart, my love, my great compassion?  
Then where is my greatest weakness?  
It would be my heart.  
Guard my heart and do not allow it to be my weakness.  
Shore up the strengths by giving them wholly to the Lord so that they belong to Him completely.

4/16/09

I'm free on the wings of Your grace

Free from the bondage of sin

Made free to the service of Christ

Been renewed into a fresh life.

I'm no longer held to the past

A hostage to sin no more

Able to put down those burdens

No longer bound to old ways.

Cleansed and loosed from them now

Those habbits no longer hold sway.

Humble me Lord for obedience

To lay aside those useless habits.

Strengthen me by Your Spirit

Remove the guilt of that bondage

Of besetting sin and distraction

So as to step up to my calling.

For I do not want to go back into Egypt

I desire to be everything in You

To be all that You dreamed of for me

For I was and am Your idea.

I'm free on the wings of Your grace

4/15/09

4/15/09

Christ is everything

I am the object of His desire

I mean everything to Him

He seeks me out and draws me to Himself

Open and true with no hesitation

That He could love me so much

Is beyond my wildest dreams

But I dare to believe it

I dare to believe it

He is the object of my desire

He means everything to me

I seek Him out and draw near to Him

Open and true with no hesitation

That I could love Him so much

Is beyond my wildest dreams

But I dare to believe it

I dare to believe it

*********************************************************************************

4/15/09

Too much

So much noise surrounds us every day

We wade through it all with confusion threatening to rule

Busy at the tasks before us

No time for Truth any more

When did the burdens of this life become our God

When did escape become our idol

When did the numbness we seek become foremost

Before the One we profess to serve

Is it enough to go through the motions

To set our hands to our plows

Without heartfelt praise and adoration

Without His face before us

Bereft of Truth and Light we labor

All in vain we toil

Much to much the busyness of life

Without His love our throne.

So here we are working hard at the rules

Trying to obey and meet all the expectations

But what is it He desires of us?

To love God and love each other.

*********************************************************************************

4/15/09

So here we are working hard at the rules

Trying to obey and meet all the expectations

But what is it He desires of us?

To love God and love each other.

Trying to be light, but it’s not easy.

To him (but not sent)

What would you have me say that is light?  I know only the lightness of the Lord and my heart which is joyful in Him.  There is also heaviness because of concern; burdens for those I love.

He is my desire, the air I breathe and the fullness of my heart.  But the burning has finished.  The opening has closed and you have declined to allow God to speak to you through me as you did before.  I have not changed, you had opened your heart but have closed it again.  It is just like my church, where I pour out the things that God has given me but my efforts seem to fall flat and dissipate without accomplishing His desire.  There is a wall now that blocks me from your heart and I can no longer feel you.

I continue to pray that He will open your heart again, that He will heal your spirit and heart and show you the truth about love.

My desire is for His will, but you are not there any more.

So He has numbed my feelings a bit to protect me.  He loves me so much.

I am sailing through tunnels and see only the distant shores that might have been a place of rest.  But the Captain of the ship knows where to bring me and who will board with us.  He is trustworthy and true and will not stear me wrong.  So I rest in the comfort of that knowledge and look forward to the rest of the journey.  I am so glad that you are on this ship with me, a true mate that joins in the labor on the way.  We sing and work together with our fellows in His service.  We love Him and one another – that is the only rule.

4/13/09

Last night in my dreams there were two instances of great sacrifice being given for great love, the body of each man became the torment of many enduring this for the sake of the greater good, loving enough to pay the ultimate price.

Then I was faced with the question of my desire for Truth or my desire to be loved.  I awoke - half awake - speaking the word TRUTH, my choice made.

Tears flowing I asked if this was then my lot, to live without that great love that my heart so desired, and there was no answer but I had chosen and would not recant.  I desire Truth above all else and always will.

Then I thought of the sacrifice that must be made for love - that perhaps my love must be sacrificed for the greater good?  I asked Father is it so?   

But then no, Jesus gave that price and no other is required or needed.  I believe that His sacrifice was enough.  Am I being tried?  Is my love being asked of me like Abraham’s sacrifice of his son?   

Does it matter?  If I am willing to forgo God’s will for my own what good is it? 

Sadness looms because I catch a glimpse of myself living that life with my choice made for self rather than God, unsatisfactory, sad, and unfulfilled still.  There is nothing I can do that will bring peace than the choosing of Truth.

So peace came, unsettled but peace.  I do not know if this is of God or not.  I slept little but without the drugs and I knew that I must detox in order to hear God’s voice in my dreams.

4/10/09 My heart has ruled me for many years. It has been the driving force of my life for as long as I can remember. It led me to the Lord and has afforded me much – being full of love. I have been able to overcome and even embrace those wrongs and those who have wronged me. I count that the love that the Lord placed within me. It has been my supreme gift, to have been blessed with this much love to use for His Glory. I have at times misread my heart, the human versus the spiritual portion of what He has given me. It is always because I allow myself to drift even if momentariarly away from keeping my eyes on Him. When that happens I get caught up in things that are not necessarily wrong, just not focused on the job He has given me. I do not know the trappings of my calling, but I know that the core of my being is to express His love to whomever He brings my way. I do not ever want to stifle that in me, but I do wish to be more acutely aware of the source of my feelings, be it Him or my own flesh. Emotions are often trapsing around within me disguised as spirit so I must keep close and listen carefully to His direction. The past when He has whispered for me to place a hand on someone or give a word of encouragement I have not given a second thought to it, but of late I question myself. At any rate I do not wish to become unyielded because of confusion over what the source is. Again that is remidied with drawing nearer to Him. So not cerebral, not emotional, but spiritual quickening is necessary in order to attain that highest goal of being all and only His.

4/10/09

My heart has ruled me for many years.  It has been the driving force of my life for as long as I can remember.  It led me to the Lord and has afforded me much – being full of love.  I have been able to overcome and even embrace those wrongs and those who have wronged me.  I count that the love that the Lord placed within me.  It has been my supreme gift, to have been blessed with this much love to use for His Glory.  I have at times misread my heart, the human versus the spiritual portion of what He has given me.  It is always because I allow myself to drift even if momentariarly away from keeping my eyes on Him.  When that happens I get caught up in things that are not necessarily wrong, just not focused on the job He has given me.  I do not know the trappings of my calling, but I know that the core of my being is to express His love to whomever He brings my way.  I do not ever want to stifle that in me, but I do wish to be more acutely aware of the source of my feelings, be it Him or my own flesh.  Emotions are often trapsing around within me disguised as spirit so I must keep close and listen carefully to His direction.  The past when He has whispered for me to place a hand on someone or give a word of encouragement I have not given a second thought to it, but of late I question myself.  At any rate I do not wish to become unyielded because of confusion over what the source is.  Again that is remidied with drawing nearer to Him.  So not cerebral, not emotional, but spiritual quickening is necessary in order to attain that highest goal of being all and only His.

4/09/09

Selah, [celah], is from the primary Hebrew root word [calah] which literally means 'to hang,' and by implication to measure (weigh). This is readily understood because in Biblical history, money, food and other valuables were 'weighed' by hanging or suspending them on a type of balance (the equivalent of our measuring scale) to determine their value.

Hebrew Shalom .....  Completeness, wholeness, health, peace, welfare, safety soundness, tranquility, prosperity, perfectness, fullness, rest, harmony, the absence of agitation or discord.

There is so much unrest in my spirit.  My mind is on overdrive and I’m uneasy.  It’s like an illfitting pair of pants that creep up where they don’t belong, but in public you do not get to make adjustments.

Love love why do I worship you.

Are you the source of creation or it’s outcome?

What is it in me that causes me to be so disturbed

What pain my heart causes me.

The pressure on my breast is mounting

And I have nothing for relief

Sweet yearning fills me and I weep

Is a quenching coming near?

Perhaps it’s my imagination

Perhaps just indigestion

But no ‘tis my heart

Desireing to be given out.

This pain is pleasant

Even in it’s sorrow

But can I simply surrender

And wait for my Lord’s will?

03/17/09

Good morning.

I'm broken and humbled, over and over.

Sometimes I feel like a dog with a muzzle on a tight leash.

Gee whiz Lord!

I gotta laugh out loud at Him and how he handles me.

It is glorious and of course, perfectly as is needed.

You said to forget the past.  I understand that you were talking about forgettingin terms of how it might control my 'now'.

But I can not forget the past, I am not supposed to forget it. I must keep those lessons and allow Him to help me remember what He has taught me from my mistakes and my from the victories.

I do remember it, I just don't live there any more.

He heals the wounds but leaves the scars.  Those are for His purposes, whatever 

He has for me, I keep His lessons close to my heart so as to keep myself humble, loving of others and walking deeply depending on Him knowing how much I can fail.

This is not fear, or wallowing.  This is abiding and allowing what I have

been to be used by Him.

This testimony is what I bring to His feet as a sacrifice.  All of my life, good and bad, sins and victories,  all for His purpose, for His glory and for His 

people to know and understand His love more deeply.

That I have been forgiven for so much has made my love for Him so much greater.

That He desires for His people to know that love as deeply as possible is my 

purpose.

Though I can not identify with those who have not lived as I have, there are a 

vast number of people in His church who are locked into believing that they are 

not worthy.   It is difficult to feel worthy even in light of understanding that they are forgiven, but knowing that there is salvation is a long way from 

understand the full forgiveness that He has given us.  This is His message 

through me to them - you are good enough because Jesus really loves you, all of 

you, just as you are.  This was His  message to me.  His love, His great love for me, regardless of who I was/am.

 That He purchased me with His blood and paid for my sin - is sometimes such an 

abstract concept for many.  It does not always impact where we live right now.  

Because of this, and because there are people like me that need to understand how He abolished those sins, theirs and my past, and blotted out the distance 

between them/me and God - I give myself; to be transparent for them so that He 

can love them through me, identified with my life, and seeing how He has given 

His love so freely to me.  If I, even I, am 'good enough' for God to love me so 

much, then surely He can love them.  His love is bigger than anything that I have ever done, ever been, and ever could be.

Then there is room for understanding that it is not my being 'good enough'

that was the point, but that His love - the Father's love for Him - was the 

impetus for this great salvation.  We being purchased by Christ are being 

transformed and given to Him as a gift of love from the Father to be

His bride.  We are being remade into that great love.

03/16/09

And today it is gone.    

And so here it is again, I feel alone

I cry out for the warmth of Your presence

I weep for the loss of it

I am seeking where I have sinned and closed myself from You.

But there is a difference now in this lone-ness

Feelings are not what I worship

Though I am energized and swept up in them

It is God and God alone that I will follow

If He leads me back into the desert

I will follow

One foot at a time

I go

My heart is often my betrayer

Seeking joy and seeking love

But I do not worship joy

I do not worship love, save the Love that is Christ

Search me Oh Lord and cleans me

Show me the iniquity within my soul

Cleanse me of all that is not You

I do not want any other

If I walk, if I walk alone, but with You Lord

If I am blinded, I am blinded to all but You Jesus

If I am deaf, then all I hear is You my Savior

If I am dumb, then let only Christ speak in my stead.

Jeanne!

Just STOP it!

So my heart, my heart that betrays me.  How Lord shall I know what is a God-desire verses the lust of my flesh?  How can I decide what I am allowed to hope for?  The Word is my standard.  The Holy Spirit confirmation in my spirit, that what he has placed in me, my nature, my makeup is to desire a mate.  I have been fearful to ask and fearful to be open to what God might give me.  I'm opened now and I have also learned that I can not deny the desire that He has placed in my being.  So then Lord I submit to Your plan and humbly ask for You, not me, to fill that desire with the perfect whomever that You have for me.  Please help me to stay out of the way of Your will.  I give myself to You for Your purpose.  Please prepare for me that mate, in Your honor and for Your glory. 

So now an email from him in response to my question about the Holy Spirit being feminine, but not.

My heart jumped and there was that fire again.

Oh Lord how can I do this?

I did not reply.  I have a heart that is so hungry for love that it grabs hold of any masculine attention.  How can I control this?  Help me please Lord. I know my desires would so control me if I let myself slip.  I have not the strength to contain this.  Help me Lord.  I realized that it was him not Him that my heart was connecting to, yet it was You Lord that I was reaching out to also.

I need You with skin on Lord.

Journal if you must, but do not share.  You are doing to him what you asked him not to do to you. 

Stop it! Practice self control.  Pray!  Let God work!

Ok. What I desire is a man who really knows God and who is strong enough to tell me no.  strong enough to do what God desires and not me.  Humble enough to submit to God and to be broken before Him.  I desire a rock to my butterfly.  I'm asking for what I believe I need,

I'm so angry with myself.  I do not want to be deluded any more.

WTF!!!!!

I can not believe it!

54 years of lack of self control and still counting.

Unbelieveable!

Is this how Peter and David felt?

Having much passion is a blessing and a curse!

Obviously I have NOT learned to be content in whatever the Lord has me in.

Crybaby!

Grow UP!

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

I cannot help that I have been given so much passion.  But I cannot begin to know how to control it.

Yield it to the Lord?  Allow Him to use that passion in me?  Yeah Right!  How am I supposed to do that?

3/15/09

I'm just being what God is in me..    

I wake to the knowing of my Lord,

My heart sings with the joy of His presence,

I feel Him warm and close,

There is peace.

The long sleep is over

I am home again

My most Holy precious Lord

I love You

He is drawing me closer to this walking, this being in His Kingdom.  There is no middle ground, just learning, just becoming, walking along His path.  I live only in Him and He is.  He is the message that I live.  His love every breath I take, every step, every thought, His love permeating me, pouring out of me.  It is my feet that I see with these earthly eyes, but His steps, His movements, His intent coming and being out of me.

Oh how I adore the nearness of this communion with Him.  My soul is overflowing and I cannot contain the joy of His presence in me. 

Oh Lord You are faithful to Your Word and just as I asked for the joy of my salvation to return, and a clean heart created, You have restored them in me.  You are more than anything else I could ever desire.  I praise You, I worship You, not for what I’ve received, but for You and that I can live in You – You in me.  What a wondrous thing to conceive of, that Almighty God, Jehovah, can do such a thing in me.   

3/13/09 The calling.

I am so unsure of God's voice , well of my ability to hear His voice correctly in things that involve myself.  I've been able to hear it or function in it for others, but not for me.  Stubborn thing, aren't I?  So Marc put it out there and I've been thinking and mulling it over ever since.  Yesterday was so huge, I can't even explain how liberating it was and how much joy to know that connection again with my Lord.  I knew some house cleaning was in order, both physically and mentally, and functionally.  I'm taking stock still, evaluating and trying to make sure that this is not my emotions running me around as usual.  But I turned off and actually deleted my TV shows last night.  They held no interest to me for the first time in a really long time.  I know that I need to start listening for His voice and really paying attention, stop being busy and really worship.

It's like there was a switch flipped. 

I'm looking around my house and seeing how much work I need to do to get it cleaned up, ready to move.

Undaunted.

I'm so unhappy about the move to the new buildings at work and restless with my job, thankful to have it, but really uninterested in it any longer.

Discontent here.

I'm actually thinking about taking that step.

Cautious.

I listened to "At The Cross" all night last night, while I slept.  It is so soothing, like a balm and calling me, calling me.  I am experiencing so much joy right now, it's indescribable.

Excited.

Today was just like yesterday in that everything has been speaking to me.  All of my mental objections have started to be answered, and one by one eliminated:

Leading the way, Revive Our Hearts, Living in the Edge, Truth for Life, and now Midday Connection are all kicking my butt again today.  Ok, ok, ok Lord.  I get it.  I surrender.  Just please tell me what I am supposed to do! 

Michael Youssef - step up to God's call

Nancy Lee DeMoss - stop living in fear

Chip Ingram - find out what your calling is and just do it.  That whole landing the job of your dreams was not something that I wanted or cared to listen to but when it began to speak to the calling of God it got me.

Dennis Rainey - by Mrs ? pastor - let go of your grown children - to God.  Your job as their mom has changed.

Alistair Begg - don't wait until it's too late for you to do what God has called you to do.

Anita and Melinda - it is sin not to do what God called you to do.  Sins of omission. Business and distractions that keep us from having time to hear the Holy Spirit.  Learning this is freeing because it tells me that I get to hear Jesus' Words for me, sit at His feet, and not worry about how others see me, expectations of me, etc.  but it also convicts me that my time is spent being busy feeding my flesh and emotions instead of sitting at His feet, so I must divorce those trivial time consuming things that are not eternal (tv, computer, etc.)

I need to sit in silence and listen to God.

My ministry.  This is what I know.

• I love music, feel more connected to and used in that venue.  But I have a lot that I do not know, a lot that I have wasted and I do not know if that can be made up.
• I love people, feel more needed loving and caring for them usually on a one to one basis, but I am not opposed to teaching, leading in other ways.  I just don't know what that might be. 
• I do feel that it will involve healing, encouraging, exhorting, in a large way.  I have some fear but it is not like fear of public speaking or whatever.  It's more like fear of letting God down in the way that I serve Him.
• It is not a missions type service, it has to do with the body.  Ministering to His people.  I have a heart for the lost and I have a very special place for Hispanic peoples, but I have no desire to build new churches or for witnessing in a formal fashion, like an Evangelist.
• I know that it is a high calling.  What I mean by that is that it comes with extraordinary responsibility.  That it is not a behind the scenes type calling, with something like helps, but a very visible thing.  It is something that I could really mess up if I were not in the center of God's will, and timing.
• It will require me to look and act a lot better than I do now.  I will need to be a visible example of submission and obedience to His precepts, which includes self control - which I have not walked in.

What then would I need to have in order to be able to really go there?

Foremost is an absolute confirmation in my spirit that this is God and not me.

My parents are taken care of, however that needs to be done.

My children taken care of, to know that I am free to really let go of them.

That there would be a 'Head' that I would have over me, someone that I can submit to and rely on for pastoring and perhaps mentoring.

My house, my finances, my appearance, my spirit all in order.

My calling confirmed and very clear.

So far how is this for confirmation?

1, Marc with his admonition to obey, obey, obey.

2, Tracy with her acknowledgement that there was something for me and that she knew that she would not have me like this always.

3, Amanda called and I told her a little about what God is doing right now and that I think that I am supposed to move back to CA.  She is talking about what God is doing in her life and how her and Denny are learning more about God and what He has for them.  She said she thought that was right for me to go and that I need to take my mom with me because my dad is not going to last a lot longer.  Wow where did she get so much wisdom and insight?  So well, that was one of the things that I needed to be able to let go of her, knowing that she was back with God and that her life would be ok without me here.  She said that this is the perfect time to move, with the market being so low out there and it is pretty stable here so I could get a lot more for my money if I sold my house and bought out there right now. 

4, I have already started to let go of everything here emotionally.

So here's the deal. 

I need to spend as much time with the Lord as I can.  Worship, worship, worship, and then be quiet and listen.

I need to start cleaning out my house.  Room by room, little by little, strip away everything that isn't needed.

I need to continue to exercise and work on my appearance and my health.

I need to work on my music, seriously work on it.  Guitar?  Piano? Voice? Or all of the above?

I need to get serious with God.

04/11/2007 email to Toni

This is a portion of a letter I wrote to my friend Toni.

I had come to terms with my past a long time ago.  The hurt still lingers and occasionally rears it’s ugly head in an attempt to once again take control of my life.  I don’t know if those feelings will ever go away.  Maybe it is a good thing if they don’t.  Those feelings remind me that I need God and that He loves me and that He has healed my heart.  Somehow they drive me to Him because I can’t handle them all by myself like I tried to do for so many years.  They keep me humble because I realize that I am not any better than the perpetrators of my hurts and pain.  My sin is no less than theirs.  Because of this I can love with my whole heart and even love those who are so ugly and have caused such pain. 

I can not do that from my own heart Toni.  I am a self centered person who wants to feed my own flesh and wallow in my sorrows and pain.  I want to pander to my own desires and lusts just like everyone else.  But I can’t do that any more.  I have a purpose that is so much bigger than myself.  I have a heart that is filled overflowing with a pure love seeking out those whose heart have been broken like mine was.  Two years ago God did do that heart surgery on me that I told you about.  He did heal it completely, but he left the memory of the pain and suffering there so that I could connect with others that have experienced that pain.  I know without a doubt that He can heal your heart as well.

It’s not a matter of quitting smoking or drinking or anything else.  That stuff is just stuff and really doesn’t matter at all to God.  There is no shame or guilt for you to carry for those or any other habits, actions, feelings, or thoughts that you may have or ever had.  God desperately wants to heal your heart and make you whole again.  He wants to wrap His arms around you hold you close and love you until you are completely satisfied.  You simply have to give in to Him, and open up just like you did with me, and just get in His face.  Reach out, put down your own pride, take down the walls that you’ve built for protection, show Him your pain your anger your grief and disappointments.  Then jump off that seeming cliff that separates you from Him into His arms.  He will catch you, He already has you though you aren’t able to feel it right now.  Release all of it, let it go, all of it.  It’s too much of a burden for your heart to carry any more.  Tell Him everything you are feeling, have had to endure, the sorrows and pain and anger it produced, and yes the fears too.  Just open up and let Him into all of those places in your heart that you have closed off from Him. 

Let Him do the cleaning now.  Don’t try to do it yourself, just let Him do the cleansing and healing of your heart.  It’s painful like every surgery, but it lasts only a little while.  Just like childbirth you will forget the pain because of the joy you feel afterwards when you see the gift that you receive.

Toni I’m not just praying for Tracy and Jeremy and Levi you know.  Your whole family is on my ‘hit’ list for God to do what He desires for you.

There is no demon in hell that can keep you from His love.  But he is a gentleman and will not come where He is not invited.  So if you really want healing and want to be free of those ugly hurtful things that rule your life then open them up and let Him deal with them.  I am standing in the gap for you.  I am holding you up to Him asking Him to protect you and nourish your soul.  He will keep you with his powerful – awesome – tender – precious – awful - fearsome love.  I’m not talking about His angels standing guard while you fight off the demons you have inside you binding you up.  I’m talking about God Himself, Jehovah the living I AM standing in your house holding out His hand like a suitor asking for the next dance.  Do you see the picture?  Do you feel His presence?  He kneels and asks you to let Him love you completely.  Like the proposal for marriage, to be united with Him in every way.  He wants all of you Toni, even the ugliness of your past.  He wants your pain and your hurt and your anger.  He wants to dance with you hold you love you until you can’t take any more.  He wants to satisfy all of your desires.  All you have to do is take His hand open your heart and let Him into all of it.

Like a new lover that sets you on fire He wants you to be drawn to Him.  He wants to be in every thought He wants to be the distraction that you just can’t stop thinking about, the smell of Him on your body and in your nose that thrills you like secret passions.  Yes He wants to be your lover, He wants to be what you wake up desiring.  He wants to consume you in every way. 

What could possibly be better than that?  I can’t think of anything that I would ever want or need than Him.  Yes Toni He is sensual, passionate, He does lust for us in a way that only He can show us.  His desire for us is so strong and deep and sacred.  That kind of love is irresistible.   Do you feel it?  It’s not wrong.  He created us with all of those needs and desires, with a deep  thirst and yearning for it.  Why do you think He created us with these senses?  They are all given to us to draw us to Him.  They are not evil or ugly or dirty. You are a passionate woman Toni.  Let your passion draw you to Him who created it in you.  Give in to Him like a new lover, with your whole heart, in full abandon unaware of anything else. 

Then when you are full, filled to overflowing, then you can go to war

The passion He placed in you is there for a reason my cherished love.  The strength in you is not an accident.  The people in your life are not there by chance.  It is Jehovah in you that draws them to you.  He created you with such strength, and like me He brought you through the fire to be forged into a sword - for Him to wield in the battle for those people’s souls.  There is so much at stake here that we don’t have time to waste our time and energy wallowing in the past, my love.  So take His hand and dance that dance of passion.  Yield to His love for you and be filled up with His strength.  Give in to your desire to be with Him and breathe in the perfume of His love for you.   How powerful we are when we come from that place of secure belonging, from a love big enough to create the universe.  How awesome to stand with the knowledge that He is in us, that he breathes through us, feels through us, loves through us. 

That, precious one, is what you were created for.

04/11/07 BLINDED

I'm often blinded by my own sight

often deafened by the sound of my own thoughts

senseless from the feelings that run through me.

Sometimes a smile wakes me from myself

or a word spoken softly draws me from my revere

but often it is just me surrounded and engulfed within.

Just now someone tells me that I have made a difference in her life.

It astounds me.

I go about life wound up in the stuff that drives my actions and often my moods

without a thought or plan or steering through this jungle.

I wonder at her comment and take a moment to reflect.

Apparently my life is not simply lived without much impact

on others outside of my circle of responsibility.

God is here; of this I am certain, solid, unquestioningly.

I on the other hand am frequently not tuned in.

I've tried to be real with everyone I meet

not wanting to add the torture of mind games to anyone

and it amazes me when people still don't get me

but I guess they are blinded by their eyes also.

How through this life quest then do I navigate?

Most of the time I can't even get other people, much less God.

Yet somehow once in a while though

I see truth, I speak truth, I hear and feel truth.

I know He is.  I get Him.

I allow Him to be inside of me and I yield.

My faith is questioned and doubted by others

but I am solid in it

long after the feelings fade and the thoughts are quieted

and my eyes are dimmed

I simply know

Why can't I just walk in this?

Busy busy busy I go through life often in a whirlwind

trying to avoid questions

not knowing answers or not wanting to know them.

It's exhausting.

Sometimes though Lord You use me

You speak through me and give light in the darkness of confused minds

You sing through me and move the earth with the depth of Your joy and mercy

You love through me and Your peace and comfort are poured out and thirstily received.

I live for these moments.

But I often run from You Lord,

chasing my own desires ignoring Your quiet pleading

to nurture and heal and mend and minister to Your people.

What is it in me that I can not live yielded to You?

It would be so lonely here without You Lord.

Please help me to be all and only Yours.

07-16-10 When thank you is not enough I just say your name

When thank you is not enough I can only say Your name

When sorrow overtakes me it is just the same

Your name so sweet to Holy speak

And as I wait to hear Your voice in me

Giving my heart as Your vessel broken and yielded

And I dwell on the words that You have spoken

Thus I come to where Your cleansing blood was given

To the foot of Calvary where Your love flows over me

No heart so pure has ever lived

No love ever given so freely

No light so bright to show the way

No more tender touch of healing

Your heart

Your love

Your light

Your touch

I drink You in

I lay me bare

To walk in Your light

And give my wounds to You

In silence You make Your presence known

Everywhere I look to see You in creation

Yet dwell my eyes on only You the focus of my heart

To catch Your hand and hear Your tender voice

Though none can see the face of God and live

You came to me and let me see Your truth

That pure love is impossible without Your grace

And no one else is able to bring me home

No heart so pure has ever lived

No love ever given so freely

No light so bright to show the way

No more tender touch of healing

Your body carried the weight of my rebellion

Your blood poured out in payment of my sin

Your heart broken to bear this lonely soul

Your desire laid aside to meet the need in me

And all I am and all I could ever want to be

Is not enough to be worthy of this precious gift

The lothsome lost and broken one that I have been

Is only purchased with Your perfect sacrifice of love

Your heart

Your love

Your light

Your touch

I drink You in

I lay me bare

To walk in Your light

And give my wounds to You

6-24-10 written on the Rewriting Your Emotional Script blog to Oppressed.

Bless you!!! 

I have walked that road myself.  Victory and delight in the Lord immediately followed by vicious attacks from the enemy.  I have been a victim of sexual & emotional abuse and have suffered from low self esteem because I 'owned' fault in the situations that was not mine.  God has done much work in me over the years, healing has been slow and layered, in that it comes as layers at a time.  I now know that this is done as I am able to handle it.  But several things come to mind after reading your posts.

One is that where much is given much is required.  This is usually thought of as 'good' thing that have been given, and indeed it's true.  Artistic talent is a gift and it comes with an extra amount of sensitivity I believe.  But also sometimes the 'much' that is given comes to us as our trials in life.  Our trials will always be turned into Kingdom Equity as we grow in the Lord and allow Him to use the those lessons and even the pain of those events for His glory.  The deep love I feel for others is a direct result I believe of the fact that I never 'felt' loved.  God has given me a heart to love the 'unlovely' because that is how I have felt much of my life.  All of the trials I've lived through I have given back to Him - an offering - a sacrifice of praise, to be used for His glory.  This has meant re-living things that have been almost too painful to think about, over and over, not to wallow in, but in order to give the gift of sympathy, empathy, and understanding to someone who feels alone in their pain.  It has allowed me to come along side others that have felt abandoned by everyone else.  And so as I have relinquished my 'ownership' of my life, my pain, my history to Him, He has replaced it with an intimate connection that I could never have dreamed was possible.  That has taken many many years for me, and is still a growth process.  Everyone has their own relationship with Christ though and I would encourage you to give all of your pain to Him as you are able.  Sit at the foot of the cross and take them out one by one and relinquish ownership of them to Him.  It is easier said than done, I know, but if you go through that pain the reward is amazing.

Second, and probably more to your point, I do not believe that there is Biblical support to your question of having a demonic possession.  I believe that once you have given your life to Christ that He lives in you and that because you belong to Him you cannot have any demon in you.  But you may not have meant that exactly...

However I do believe that there are familiar spirits, demons that attach themselves to people - even believers - mostly unbeknownst to them.  In my case I believe that this happened to me as a very young child during the time of the sexual abuse.  I am 56 yrs old now and it was only a month ago that it became clear to me that this was the case.  The thing I want to tell you is this: Once it was named - once I recognized the situation and called it what it was I was set free from it.  It allowed me to forgive more deeply those who had abused me because I saw that they were not drawn to me so much, but that they were drawn to that demonic influence. I could see that these people were people I could forgive and even love, understanding that they are no different than myself.  That was paramount to my healing, and freedom.

You see I had always thought that something was deeply wrong with me, I was evil - I had always believed on some level that the abuse was my own fault.  And I know that I was not at fault in my mind but I had always carried the blame anyway.  Naming the evil I could see it for what it was and separate myself from those abuses and also to a certain extent, the sinful choices I had made as a result of the hopeless feeling that I was at fault.  I gave myself permission NOT to be the blame for the abuse I have lived through. 

I looked back over my life and realized certain times when I had given in to the pressure from this oppression and had made wrong choices.  And I was able to forgive myself.  I saw in a flash how - even though the choices made were mine and I owned them - that it was due to a large extent to the pressure of the demonic spirit that I was subjected to.

Since then I have experienced a freedom that I have never felt before.  I am hoping that this does not sound like I am trying to lay blame outside of myself.  I am still a sinner, saved by grace because of the sacrifice of my Lord Jesus the Christ.  And now the love that I have sought all my life I find in Him, and I'm free to love others as He has loved me.  This gift that I have been given I would not trade for anything.  I am thankful for every moment of my life because I can give them all to Him to be used for those He died for.