Bless you!!!
I have walked that road myself. Victory and delight in the Lord immediately
followed by vicious attacks from the enemy.
I have been a victim of sexual & emotional abuse and have suffered
from low self esteem because I 'owned' fault in the situations that was not
mine. God has done much work in me over
the years, healing has been slow and layered, in that it comes as layers at a
time. I now know that this is done as I
am able to handle it. But several things
come to mind after reading your posts.
One is that where much is given much is required. This is usually thought of as 'good' thing
that have been given, and indeed it's true.
Artistic talent is a gift and it comes with an extra amount of
sensitivity I believe. But also
sometimes the 'much' that is given comes to us as our trials in life. Our trials will always be turned into Kingdom
Equity as we grow in the Lord and allow Him to use the those lessons and even
the pain of those events for His glory.
The deep love I feel for others is a direct result I believe of the fact
that I never 'felt' loved. God has given
me a heart to love the 'unlovely' because that is how I have felt much of my
life. All of the trials I've lived
through I have given back to Him - an offering - a sacrifice of praise, to be
used for His glory. This has meant re-living
things that have been almost too painful to think about, over and over, not to
wallow in, but in order to give the gift of sympathy, empathy, and
understanding to someone who feels alone in their pain. It has allowed me to come along side others
that have felt abandoned by everyone else.
And so as I have relinquished my 'ownership' of my life, my pain, my
history to Him, He has replaced it with an intimate connection that I could
never have dreamed was possible. That
has taken many many years for me, and is still a growth process. Everyone has their own relationship with
Christ though and I would encourage you to give all of your pain to Him as you
are able. Sit at the foot of the cross
and take them out one by one and relinquish ownership of them to Him. It is easier said than done, I know, but if
you go through that pain the reward is amazing.
Second, and probably more to your point, I do not believe
that there is Biblical support to your question of having a demonic possession. I believe that once you have given your life
to Christ that He lives in you and that because you belong to Him you cannot
have any demon in you. But you may not
have meant that exactly...
However I do believe that there are familiar spirits, demons
that attach themselves to people - even believers - mostly unbeknownst to
them. In my case I believe that this
happened to me as a very young child during the time of the sexual abuse. I am 56 yrs old now and it was only a month
ago that it became clear to me that this was the case. The thing I want to tell you is this: Once it
was named - once I recognized the situation and called it what it was I was set
free from it. It allowed me to forgive
more deeply those who had abused me because I saw that they were not drawn to
me so much, but that they were drawn to that demonic influence. I could see
that these people were people I could forgive and even love, understanding that
they are no different than myself. That
was paramount to my healing, and freedom.
You see I had always thought that something was deeply wrong
with me, I was evil - I had always believed on some level that the abuse was my
own fault. And I know that I was not at
fault in my mind but I had always carried the blame anyway. Naming the evil I could see it for what it
was and separate myself from those abuses and also to a certain extent, the
sinful choices I had made as a result of the hopeless feeling that I was at
fault. I gave myself permission NOT to
be the blame for the abuse I have lived through.
I looked back over my life and realized certain times when I
had given in to the pressure from this oppression and had made wrong
choices. And I was able to forgive
myself. I saw in a flash how - even
though the choices made were mine and I owned them - that it was due to a large
extent to the pressure of the demonic spirit that I was subjected to.
Since then I have experienced a freedom that I have never
felt before. I am hoping that this does
not sound like I am trying to lay blame outside of myself. I am still a sinner, saved by grace because
of the sacrifice of my Lord Jesus the Christ.
And now the love that I have sought all my life I find in Him, and I'm
free to love others as He has loved me.
This gift that I have been given I would not trade for anything. I am thankful for every moment of my life
because I can give them all to Him to be used for those He died for.
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