3/27/12 The most important thing to know....

I can't even comment on this - just that it is Truth.  I pray whoever reads it will allow it to penetrate and take hold in their very being....  from RHM:

The Promise Fulfilled

It's undeniable: the new covenant, accomplished through the work of Christ, means that we have new hearts. Our hearts are good. Or God's a liar. Until we embrace that stunning truth, we will find it really hard to make decisions, because we can't trust what our hearts are saying. We'll have to be motivated by external pressure since we can't be motivated by our hearts. In fact, we won't find our calling, our place in God's kingdom, because that is written on our hearts' desires. We'll have a really hard time hearing God's voice in a deeply intimate way, because God speaks to us in our hearts. We'll live under guilt and shame for all sorts of evil thoughts and desires that the Enemy has convinced us were ours. God will seem aloof. Worship and prayer will feel like chores.

Of course, I just described the life most Christians feel doomed to live.

Now listen to Jesus:

Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. (Luke 6:44-45, emphasis added)

Later, explaining the parable of the sower and the seed, Jesus says,

The seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop. (Luke 8:15, emphasis added)

Jesus himself teaches that the heart can be good and even noble. That somebody is you, if you are his. God kept his promise. Our hearts have been circumcised to God. We have new hearts. Do you know what this means? Your heart is good. Let that sink in for a moment. Your heart is good.

What would happen if you believed it, if you came to the place where you knew it was true? Your life would never be the same. My friend Lynn got it, and that's when she exclaimed, "If we believed that . . . we could do anything. We would follow him anywhere!"

(Waking the Dead , 69-70)

3/26/12 I wonder

Getting ready for work this morning and the radio is playing some music.

It sounds so painful and mournful to my heart

Something about following Jesus no matter what

At least that was the essence I was hearing.

And driving in I thought about how this must make him feel

That a person would give up their life for Jesus is kind of tricky

Because on the one hand it's pure devotion that Jesus wants from us and when it's given I'm sure that his heart is full of joy

But on the other hand to say that I give up my life and feel as though I'm leaving what I really desire behind, giving up what really matters to me, sacrificing like that - I think it would be very hurtful.

Anyone that gives out of love knows the joy that comes from it

From being able to see the joy it brings to the other

But giving out of obligation or even worse; fear, finds no joy or comfort.  It only feels like loss

And unless the recipient of that kind of giving is cold hearted there is no comfort or joy in it.

So as I pondered this song, and the things Jesus said, unless you're willing to give up your family, your very life, then don't bother. (My paraphrase)  I see his point. One must love him enough to give up everything - pure devotion - for it to be the kind of love he is asking of us.  But not because we have to.  God - Jesus does not desire a relationship with robots, automatons that are simply obedient.  He desires a real relationship as an equal in the way we relate.  We're not equals, never will be.....   But what some would call love, the kind that is required, demanded, and given out of obligation, is not love at all.

And I wonder how he feels when we sing so mournfully about our relationship with him.  Would a lover enjoy this?  I think not.

I think Jesus - God desires our pure love, given freely without pressure, without constraint, without regret.

3/23/12 Easter is almost here....

Jesus..... 

…suffered under Pontius Pilate, was crucified, died, and was buried. He descended into hell. The third day He arose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty…   

–The Apostle’s Creed

…He suffered and was buried, and the third day he rose again according to the Scriptures, and ascended into heaven, and sitteth on the right hand of the Father. And he shall come again with glory to judge both the quick and the dead, whose kingdom shall have no end… 

- Nicene Creed

…who suffered for our salvation, descended into hell, rose again the third day from the dead; he ascended into heaven…

- The Athanasian Creed

…one Christ, true God and true man, who was born of the Virgin Mary, truly suffered, was crucified, dead, and buried, that He might reconcile the Father unto us, and be a sacrifice, not only for original guilt, but also for all actual sins of men. He also descended into hell, and truly rose again the third day; afterward He ascended into heaven that He might sit on the right hand of the Father, and forever reign and have dominion over all creatures… 

- The Augsburg Confession

The one gift no one else could have given us, to meet the one need all of us have.

Reconciled to our Father once and for all.

Thank you Jesus our redeemer, the prince of our peace. 

3/23/12 light

Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.

Psalm 119:105, NLT It occurs to me that David was closest to God when he was young and innocent but also then later when his life was in turmoil and he was under constant attack.  He was God's darling, but this passionate man made a lot of mistakes. OK then. I get it.  The point must be that if I become too comfortable, complacent and content with where I am perhaps I too will lose sight of God's place in my life.  But it sure feels like there is a point where the least bit of additional pressure will push me over into the wrong path.  Is this how it's supposed to be, what it means? And yes your word is the guide and the light for my path..... But I cannot simply read your word Jesus, as an instruction manual.  I cannot use it only as a map to life and a guide for how I am supposed to be.  I must read it as an introduction to you, a partial autobiography, as it were, a story to paint the picture of who you are.   I must find the real Jesus who's heart was so filled with love as to create the beauty of this world.  I must look for your essence in the pages so that I can come to know you.  Isn't that what you want?  Isn't that the purpose after all is said and done.   You created us, gave us a wonderful place to live, we messed up and had to be kicked out, but you still love us.  So you came to bring us back and fix our mess so that we could be together again. This is love:   Creation - expression  Redemption - value  Communion - purpose I think that if we miss that, we've missed everything. All the rest in between just allows us to see what extent you are willing to go to in order to have us back. What love is this, that you would risk everything to rescue us? The greatest love possible, that desires to have us together, united as one once again.  Love will do what ever is necessary to have it's way.  You are Love and you are so great that you're wild and fierce and even dangerous.  Our hearts - the object of that love.  This is an all consuming jealous love that must have it's way.  And it will. The bridegroom will come soon. He will bring us to the Father for the wedding. We will feast together united at last, at his table. And yes, we will live happily ever after..... In the meantime, let me devour your word and allow it to become part of me.  Let it be the part of me that knows your love more than I know anything else.  Let me not simply keep the rules, but let me live with your love in my heart guiding every step and every decision I make.  From the light of your love in my heart I can see the right path, and my steps will be toward that ultimate union with you. Your word is a lamp to guide my feet and a light for my path.  ...because it reveals who you are, how you feel about me, and why you do the things you do.  And this shows me the way.

3/20/12 when you find yourself on the dark side of the moon

a few days ago my friend Tracy told me about Levi her 7 yr old son getting angry with Jesus

he got angry about a video game, frustrated, 

and because Jesus is in control he got angry at Jesus

then he felt so bad he cried about it.

this precious child's heart hurt because of his anger at Jesus.  anger at Love.

he is amazing - Levi

so is his mom who assured him that Jesus was big enough to handle him being angry at him.

I refuse to play the religious game of putting on a front that Jesus is so nice to me and he's made my life wonderful and I just love him and everybody and everything is just peachy.

bull!

that's the kind of hogwash that turned the vast majority of people away from Christianity.

people want, no NEED real!  if you are not living Truth and honesty then you're living a lie.

Christianity is not a fairy tale.  and it's not for the weak timid or fearful.  Levi is none of these.

so for some honesty:

I find myself in this place of discontent

there is a sense of nothingness, which is very lonely, but more-so numbness.

it feels like I'm in limbo actually

and in my life being in 'limbo' is a synonym for being alone and feeling abandoned

and the problem with that is that this feeling is there because something needs to come out

it's building up in me and I fear it will explode. 

I don't know what's going to come out.

right now I don't feel as if I can make any decisions, or function actually, until the limbo is resolved.

I'm afraid of what is behind the limbo.  afraid of the monster that it hides.

I am angry 

and just like Levi I am angry at Jesus.

Anger

poisonous anger that can't be contained forever... rage

and since I don't know what else to do just now, I'll write it out here......

I know that is the stopper that is holding me back from feeling anything

I know that it's rage that has been the monster I've spent my whole life trying to keep imprisoned and under control.

suffice it to say that there's lots of things from my past that I could spend eons explaining as to why there is such rage.

but I will not spew garbage and filth at anyone

which is, in a nutshell, the problem

how to get it out without hurting anyone else

of course Jesus is the safe and appropriate one to talk to about it.

but here's the deal.  

this monster is and has been driving me forever.  it's been the impetus that gave me the need to develop such strength.  fear of allowing it control has caused me to be constantly vigilant in my treatment of others.  it has caused me to guard my heart and the hearts of others as well.

I do not ever want to hurt anyone the way I was hurt.  I will protect everyone from the monster no matter what.

the result of this on me has been to stuff everything.  it's been to take responsibility for everything as if it were my own choice (because if I did not choose it then I had no power and I would be worse than dead) 

and in stuffing and taking responsibility for all the damage done to me I was able to function.  I was able to allow my heart to love in spite of it. 

you see love was the ultimate prize.  and in spite of everything I knew that to be true.

but there is this conundrum within me (well, more than one I’m sure) that cannot justify being abandoned.

people say that they love another enough to give their life for them.  this is seen as, and indeed is very honorable.

but I have wondered if that is truly ultimate love.   as it's been touted to be.

because in my life it seems far too easy to give up life and be done with it rather than to stay in the trenches and fight for another.  I think that to give up one's life for another in ultimate love is really to stand with them through the junk of life no matter what. 

stuff that makes you dirty and wears on your patience and stretches you to the limit seems a far weightier price for love than to leave after one act, even if it is an heroic act, to me.

and so

I’m angry at Jesus

I must admit it

oh, I love him with all my heart to be sure

but I’m angry at him

and I think probably at everyone else who's ever left me.

or perhaps more precisely everyone else who's never been there for me.

there was a lot of anger even in the beginning

I’d even call it rage

it either had to be controlled or unleashed on innocent people and things around me

I’m thankful that I chose to control it

I’m thankful that my heart could hold it back and hold love at the same time

I am thankful that I was given the strength to be able to do that

but rage seeps out in ways a person is not even aware of...

when I say that I have no idea how I was able to raise my two children on my own and have them become such wonderful people, I’m not just saying that 

I honestly do not recall huge pieces of time in my life

I’ve bottled up this rage for so long that something had to give

and I would not allow it to be anger against those I love

even though I know at times it came out in spite of that desire

this anger turned inward expressed itself in depression and a lot of excess weight.

I’m angry at Jesus right now

because; of all the people in existence he - he should not have abandoned me by giving his life and then leaving.

there.  I’ve said it.

I know the Holy Spirit is here.

I know that Jesus loves me

I know I know I know

but my heart still feels abandoned

and I’m so very tired of fighting the battles of life all alone

religion would have me pretend all is well

humanism would have me will it to be different

psychology would have me isolated or 12 stepping

medicine would have me medicated

Jesus 

I think Jesus would have me in community with others that honestly know him and love him and love me.  Jesus would have us all holding each other up, together sharing the burdens of life.  Bravehearts for one another. 

then talking this out with her, Cheryl said to me today that Jesus is fighting daily for me

that he's in the trenches getting dirty and bloodied right there where I need him.  

fighting - for me.

that is an image that brings tears to my eyes

I want desperately to believe that.

this is the dark side of the moon where sunlight does not fall and darkness rules.

but it is not my home

and I weep as Levi did because I cannot fathom holding this awful anger in my heart at the same time as love, because Jesus lives there.

 and I whisper a prayer....

Jesus, Please let love prevail.

3/13/12 from my FB post...

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
Let the redeemed of the LORD tell their story—
Psalm 107:1-2


you know... giving thanks to the Lord (for He is indeed good) does not mean: be a nice little Christian person and be good. it is not a sentence to dull your life into being an obedient zombie. it means: entertain the joy that bubbles up from your heart which is overflowing because of the love Jesus has given you. jump up and down. taste feel smell see & hear the wonderful life that is yours because you belong to him. appreciate all that he is and has done for you. but most of all love him and the ones he has brought into your life. be who you were created to be and in this way you worship and give thanks to him.

4 likes and 2 comments: LOVE THIS!    &  Amen sister!
isn't FB fun?

3/13/12 J.E. RHM devo and my comments.

A Part Too Large

The things that have happened to us often suggest that the real script of the play we're all living in is "God is indifferent" rather than "God is love." Deep down in our hearts, in the place where the story is formed, this experience of God as indifferent drives us to write our own scripts. Job apparently lived with this anxiety about God even before his tribulations descended upon him, as evidenced by his exclamation from the ashes of his home and his life: "What I feared has come upon me; what I dreaded has happened to me" (Job 3:25, emphasis added).

Job was a God-fearing man and yet something in him suspected that faith in God did not necessarily translate into peace and safety. Of course, Job had no inkling of the discussion going on in heaven between God and Satan. It was a debate over whether the foundation of God's kingdom was based on genuine love or power. And astonishingly, God was placing the perception of his own integrity as well as the reputation of his whole kingdom on the genuineness of Job's heart. (See Job 1:6-12; 2:1-10.)

Indeed, when we consider how central a part Job was given in the drama God was directing, we are confronted with the reality that we, too, could be in the same position. It seems that the part God has written for us is much too big and certainly too dangerous. Paul confirms this thought in Ephesians when he tells us, "The church, you see, is not peripheral to the world; the world is peripheral to the church. The church is Christ's body, in which he speaks and acts, by which he fills everything with his presence" (1:22-23 The Message). Every human being is of great significance to God, but those whom God has drawn to believe in him are center stage in a drama of cosmic proportions.

(The Sacred Romance , 50, 53)
(http://www.ransomedheart.com/node/160 )

How many of us are really honest with this question that Job obviously had about God?
I know that down in the depth of my heart that I feared God was not everything that he'd been presented to me as.  I mean, too many 'bad' things had happened to me in my life to believe that I was truly loved.  And I too feared that faith in God did not translate into peace and safety.  My life has been fraught with deeply damaging hurts.  I did not want to feel anything if this was all that he had to offer.  I wanted to kill my heart.
But beneath that fear was still a heart that yearned for love and it would not let me abandon that desire no matter how deeply I tried to bury it.  So I sought truth.  Truth about myself and truth about this God.
Actually when he caught up with me, I was still running, trying to hide that fear, busy with my task of destroying the desire within me.

It's difficult to transition from this concept - which depicts a far off God who sits in judgement of all us sinners doling out penance for these sins - into the relationship that I now have with him.
I suspect that a lot led up to my readiness to accept the revelations that J.E. writes about.  But his writings were the key.  They were the answer to questions that I was not consciously aware I even had.

..as a side note.  my apology for a constant stream of 'deep thought' here.  I cannot help but express it.  but the apology is not that it's addressed, just that there seems to be so much.
anyway....

"Job was a God-fearing man and yet something in him suspected that faith in God did not necessarily translate into peace and safety."

I think that mainstream religion lives there.  They don't want to admit it.  But that's what drives their 'sin management' philosophy.  Their only commandment seems to be "You must be good enough" even if it's veiled behind church speak that offers grace by forgiveness of sins.  It was not enough to just have grace.  They had to make it conditional even though they said otherwise.  No freedom available in that scenario.
What's worse is that they actually use the book of Job to demonstrate this viewpoint which is just the opposite of what it's intent is!  Aggravating to say the least.

Jesus came to proclaim good news to the poor, freedom to the prisoners, give sight to the blind, set the captives free, and proclaim the year of the Lord's favor, as he said quoting Isaiah 61, in Luke 4:16-21.
I also note that he never never said he came to condemn sinners.  He was most compassionate to those who were aware of their faults and he forgave them. Yet he was always warning and railing against the religious people who put into captivity those to whom they were supposed to be teaching about who God is.

Jesus' most controversial claim was that he was God in the flesh sent here to show us exactly who God is.
So! a clue!!  This is most helpful.  Jesus - love in action, visible for everyone to see, a touchable person to relate to.  Yes, most helpful.  We have but to get to know the real Jesus to see God.  Mind you, get to know him without all the religious trappings that have been hung on his name throughout the years.  Jesus is still controversial, irreverent, rebellious, outrageous, fun, tangible, strong, intent, decisive, intentional, and present.   This along with the patience kindness concern tenderness and obvious love of people that he is known for.
Like J.E.'s title for him, he is a Beautiful Outlaw.

As for me being in God's drama, well, that's pretty heady.  It does however relieve the pressure for me in my thinking that it's all up to me to make life happen.  In fact it releases me into the freedom of knowing I'm not in charge.  I can relax and be who I'm meant to be.

I see Jesus, know him to be love.  God is love.. 1John 4:8 he that loveth not knoweth not God for God is love... (I like the KJV for that verse) and 1John 4:16 God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them.

I don't know about you, but I know that love is not waiting to smack me around for doing something wrong.  Love teaches for sure, but in kindness and patience and understanding.  But love also goes to any length to express itself.  God desires more than any thing else to be connected with us.  Whatever drama must unfold in our lives to get us to him, he will allow.  He is indeed a wild lover...  Just ask Job... Job did not know God's heart.  But he does now.

Jesus went through a lot to take down the veil between us and God.  Why oh why do we insist on putting it back up?  The entire book of Job tells about God.  It was not an exercise of him saying how great he is, which goes without saying actually.  It's him trying to say to Job, "hey, this is who I am, you don't know me at all if all you think of me is that I'm not trustworthy. Can't you see my heart?  All you have to do is look at creation and you'll get it!"  I think it a great insult to our Father in heaven to believe his motives are anything less than the best for us.

I did myself a huge favor.  I threw out religion and the prison of trying to be good enough.  I embraced the desire to find love in my heart and sought truth.  I abandon, willfully, the mirage of control over my life.  I gladly accept the love offered by the only one who really wants the best for me, and would go to any length to get it.  I have not 'arrived' yet, but this path I'm on, it's the way.  The Truth.  The Life.  In spite of myself.

3/12/12 answers for the dark days of the soul maybe?

Copy of a conversation today with my friend who will be C to protect those I love.....

and some thoughts...

I was a bit down when I wrote that yesterday, did it seem so?

C

yeah

because it’s an unanswered yearning question

J

I feel like.. 

um... 

truth of the heart must include questioning, include feelings that would drive me

C

yes, not blasphemy at all

I think we can ask Jesus ANYTHING

J

and feelings do not hold the power that they used to

yes

we can

I’m sure of that

C

can express ANY thought or feeling we have

J

yes

but people are much less forgiving

much less understanding

and I miss my passion

makes me wonder 

I’ve felt a lot of anger lately

big anger

and part of me thinks I need to feel that

C

after the call from w, I go to the bathroom, and I’m thinking, Lord, I just want to run away. I am NOT strong enough to handle this constant attack that I'm not good enough. and immediately, I responded to my own thoughts, I know that I am a princess warrior ... and if it were in my means to cut the head off Satan, I would not hesitate, so LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE

and you know what? I'm not weepy any more.

J

good!

good!

J

it's a key

C

yes, I think so too.

what I’m feeling about D right now

anger

J

and yes I have sort of postponed the anger

thinking it right not to feel it

C

we have to go to those emotions and acknowledge them the same as traumas

you know?

J

yes

C

we are justified to feel anger

J

perhaps that's it

yes

C

did you read JE"s devotion?

J

I’m so angry at my mom

so very angry at her

C

Jesus was NOT a timid man

J

no he was not

but his anger did not become cruel

C

you have every right to be angry at her

J

and I know were I to unleash mine it would

C

and that is why you take it to him, so that you will not be cruel

but can feel it and move through it

J

more than anything I’ve swallowed my own anger all my life

C

oh yes, know it well

J

I don't know how to allow it out without exploding

C

only when it's bubbling out my mouth do I vent

J

yes

my cousin called last nite and I spewed it out on her about my mom

come to find out she'd known about that rape

all these years

and my mom lied

said she had never told another living soul

C

who's rape

J

I have come to believe that she has used her past and what pity she gets from it against people

my mom's

have I not told you?

my father - biological father - idk who he is

some guy in a Studebaker back seat

C

well, I didn't realize it was a rape

J

well

she was drunk

and she wanted attention

so she went with these two guys

when he'd finished he told his friend to do it too

idk

the point is that every single thing that I might have clung to she has taken from me

and she did not need to

C

not your heart, jeanne.

that belongs to Jesus.

J

yes

now it does

but I’m still a mess

C

but I can understand the anger

J

there was no reason to tell me about that

and I’m still not sure if it's truth

she wanted absolution

she wanted to manipulate me

yet again

I wonder how many people she's really told

and if it's true

I cannot believe anything she says

I’m the keeper of a monster

a 3 yr old monster named my mother

and along with that is the responsibility to keep my family intact

it irks me

C

who did everything in a grown up body, from a 3 year old heart locked away in despair

J

yes

C

who continues to do everything from that place

by choice

J

and who was so intelligent as to understand how to use those facts to manipulate others to her will

her 3 yr old will

C

because she is intelligent. there is help available. Lord knows, we've been exercising some huge demons this last year ...

J

yes

my cousin told me that she came over and saw my grandfather holding me on his lap

she looked at my mom, said she was trembling with anger

and my mom said

it's ok

he's not going to hurt her

C

BS

J

my cousin asked me why I never told anyone

I said, there was no one that cared

obviously

C

your cousins could have easily told also

J

you see

it was taboo to expose family secrets like that

my grandmother could have

and I think too my uncle

I’m sure he was a victim

no one cared enough for me to fix it

no one

I’ve been on my own emotionally from the beginning

C

yes

J

and I often wonder

about my daddy

I think that had he suspected he'd have killed my grandfather

but

I also think

my mom had him where she wanted him

C

master manipulator

J

I think he knew about the grandfather thing

but she must have downplayed it to him

I cannot reconcile it in my mind about my daddy

because I KNOW he loved me

the only one

but he was unavailable emotionally

he had his hands full with my mom for sure

C

yes

J

and she did not want to share him with me

I know that for a fact

she was jealous that he loved me 

C

because she has no idea of what real love means

J

she never forgave me that he took me to meet his parents before he took her

I was not even 2

can a mother not feel something

even such a damaged mother?

I did

C

yes, of course.

it's choice.

J

and granted I did not live in the same house as he did like them

but.....

my cousin asked me if I really remember it

ha!

I remember like it was yesterday

an ugly picture I cannot erase

C

have you thought about writing a letter to him?

to each of them.

J

no

not really

C

to put everything you feel in that letter

J

I wonder how it will feel without any filter between me and the anger

idk if that's wise or not

C

you will know when that time comes

J

yes

C

but if we're self medicating ... even with food ... we're not lancing the wound, we're band aiding it ...

J

yes

that's what has occurred to me today with this conversation

C

and every time I’m hormonal, I truly question my sanity, j.

J

that anger must come out

C

because I can feel such rage at the drop of a hat

J

exactly

same here

only no hormones to trigger it

just a constant undertone

C

I remember a show once where the person went to a mountain top and just started screaming ... until she couldn't any longer .. all the anger and venom and poison just came rolling out

and she said she felt spent when she was done, but it was done

J

my first reaction to that is that there is no mountain high enough

C

that's my thought with putting your feelings to paper ... since they aren't here physically any more, and you wouldn't do that to your mother any ways, would it be therapeutic for you?

J

idk

I’m fearful of the anger to be honest

C

the one thing it would do is not make it a secret any more

you've told it

you know?

J

I doubt that anyone who knows me thinks it's a secret lol

that's not the point though

C

right

J

I’ve never let it be a secret

that at least was not a compounding of it

C

but you've protected your mom from it

J

well

never after being an adult

I did protect her from it

and my family

regardless of their responsibility

I too was a scapegoat

ha

C

yes

J

swallow it all to keep them safe

when, u see

that's a lie

the truth sets us free

C

yes

J

they have been bound as much as me

C

so how to put that into practice?

truth

J

and my mom begged me not to tell my little brother

idk

C

he deserves to know the truth also.

he is your brother.

how can he be there for you with half truths?

J

yes he's my brother of tender heart who only lately has come to belong to Jesus

C

oh gosh, I just did that to myself!

J

ha

C

ouch

J

yes

C

?

you mean in regards to what D knows?

J

u see

we protect them

C

yep

J

where is the line of telling them so that they can love us better, and telling them that would hurt their hearts and lodge arrows that are needless?

like the arrow my mom put in my brother with telling him my daddy's last words

cruel

there's no need to have told him

C

it's discerning how they understand the arrows were yours, not theirs.

J

I must ask Jesus

C

remember you mom is not operating from a loving heart that would understand that

J

yes

it does not excuse her

she is very very intelligent

C

you are right. it doesn't

so, Lord, do we swallow the poison so as not to inflict arrows on others? I think the answer is yes because He intends we take the poison to him to dispose of.

J

there

I have always operated on that

at least partially

love ruled

do not inflict unnecessary pain

ok.  always is not truth

there was a time I was ugly to men

but not since I came to my heart in truth

a hatred has been there longer it seems

I wonder

was love there first?

I remember being such a happy baby in spite of everything

I sang all the time

C

yes. From heaven, you came with love in your heart. God made it that way

J

I’m thinking

we're on to something here C

the anger we've 'stuffed' is showing up as fat

C

yep

J

I wondered what it was

truly

I did not know

I think this is it

Well now I guess I have my answer to questions on the dark nights of the soul

there’s always a reason - anger it seems is the reason in this instance

I’ve long held that anger is a result of pain

That belief has not changed

Anger turned inward is poison it seems

Curiously though, my heart has a bent to protect others it seems

Or could it be that a baby simply would not know what to do with such ugliness?

It certainly laid the groundwork for a heart that both stuffs pain out of a lack of understanding on how to deal with it,

and a heart that knows pain and loathes to inflict it upon even the least deserving.

Again I accept that this is as it was meant to be within my heart. 

It does not matter the means other than to say that it was painful.

Now

Now I would make the full circle

Jesus how do I release this anger that’s so built up within me?

Where do I spew this poison so that it will not also become poison in another?

I want more than anything else to love as you love Jesus.

But I also want to be whole now.

I think it’s time.

Because I realize too that here I am demanding from my mother – what perhaps I’ve been unwilling to do myself.

So please show me the next step.

C

Amen!

But you know what?

In all honesty, I do not envy those people who speak truth without considering the arrows.

Because there is a way to express truth, but with love, such as your email to your mother.

You have every right to spew venomous wounding words to her, and yet, you don't. You tell her there is still hope.

There are soooo many, even in our family, that just speak without considering do they have all the facts and whether their comments are welcome and appreciated ...

I don't want to go to that place of truth.

I want to speak from my heart, will my words will heal and not hurt.

It's a fine line we tread, much like a gymnast on a beam ... Please Jesus keep me steady and hang on to me!

J

yes.  you know we get some good stuff from our conversations huh

C

I think Jesus is leading us into discoveries we have to make

J

yes

community is so important

love God and love one another

C

yes!

J

they will recognize us by our love

relationship

connection

we need each other

for sure

C

well, it will be interesting to me to see if T is experiencing any anger issues recently also?

I’m aware that I’m having anger issues here ... God has me here for a reason

J

me too

you know what

I didn't realize it until last nite's conversation with my cousin

I was almost shouting

bless her heart

then I thought after I hung up

wow

where did that come from?

and not till this morning did I realize it was for this, in our conversation

C

can you picture Jesus in there with a bucket of tools pounding away at the dents?

J

hahaha

good image

C

yeah, when I actually picture that ... he's in welding gear, hahahah

the leather stuff and a visor that comes down over his face so he doesn't get splattered

J

hahahahaha

C

hahahaha

J

maybe with a lion on the helmet part

roaring

C

yep!

J

reminds me of bikers, those guys

hahaha

or tattoo artists

wild huh

C

or miners

J

yeah

pick axe

in hand

C

yep

J

oil drilling

C

getting to the gold

J

hahaha

we're a mess

C

the question is ...

are we sane?

hahaha

J

hmmmmm

C

hahahaha