3/12/12 answers for the dark days of the soul maybe?

Copy of a conversation today with my friend who will be C to protect those I love.....

and some thoughts...

I was a bit down when I wrote that yesterday, did it seem so?

C

yeah

because it’s an unanswered yearning question

J

I feel like.. 

um... 

truth of the heart must include questioning, include feelings that would drive me

C

yes, not blasphemy at all

I think we can ask Jesus ANYTHING

J

and feelings do not hold the power that they used to

yes

we can

I’m sure of that

C

can express ANY thought or feeling we have

J

yes

but people are much less forgiving

much less understanding

and I miss my passion

makes me wonder 

I’ve felt a lot of anger lately

big anger

and part of me thinks I need to feel that

C

after the call from w, I go to the bathroom, and I’m thinking, Lord, I just want to run away. I am NOT strong enough to handle this constant attack that I'm not good enough. and immediately, I responded to my own thoughts, I know that I am a princess warrior ... and if it were in my means to cut the head off Satan, I would not hesitate, so LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY ALONE

and you know what? I'm not weepy any more.

J

good!

good!

J

it's a key

C

yes, I think so too.

what I’m feeling about D right now

anger

J

and yes I have sort of postponed the anger

thinking it right not to feel it

C

we have to go to those emotions and acknowledge them the same as traumas

you know?

J

yes

C

we are justified to feel anger

J

perhaps that's it

yes

C

did you read JE"s devotion?

J

I’m so angry at my mom

so very angry at her

C

Jesus was NOT a timid man

J

no he was not

but his anger did not become cruel

C

you have every right to be angry at her

J

and I know were I to unleash mine it would

C

and that is why you take it to him, so that you will not be cruel

but can feel it and move through it

J

more than anything I’ve swallowed my own anger all my life

C

oh yes, know it well

J

I don't know how to allow it out without exploding

C

only when it's bubbling out my mouth do I vent

J

yes

my cousin called last nite and I spewed it out on her about my mom

come to find out she'd known about that rape

all these years

and my mom lied

said she had never told another living soul

C

who's rape

J

I have come to believe that she has used her past and what pity she gets from it against people

my mom's

have I not told you?

my father - biological father - idk who he is

some guy in a Studebaker back seat

C

well, I didn't realize it was a rape

J

well

she was drunk

and she wanted attention

so she went with these two guys

when he'd finished he told his friend to do it too

idk

the point is that every single thing that I might have clung to she has taken from me

and she did not need to

C

not your heart, jeanne.

that belongs to Jesus.

J

yes

now it does

but I’m still a mess

C

but I can understand the anger

J

there was no reason to tell me about that

and I’m still not sure if it's truth

she wanted absolution

she wanted to manipulate me

yet again

I wonder how many people she's really told

and if it's true

I cannot believe anything she says

I’m the keeper of a monster

a 3 yr old monster named my mother

and along with that is the responsibility to keep my family intact

it irks me

C

who did everything in a grown up body, from a 3 year old heart locked away in despair

J

yes

C

who continues to do everything from that place

by choice

J

and who was so intelligent as to understand how to use those facts to manipulate others to her will

her 3 yr old will

C

because she is intelligent. there is help available. Lord knows, we've been exercising some huge demons this last year ...

J

yes

my cousin told me that she came over and saw my grandfather holding me on his lap

she looked at my mom, said she was trembling with anger

and my mom said

it's ok

he's not going to hurt her

C

BS

J

my cousin asked me why I never told anyone

I said, there was no one that cared

obviously

C

your cousins could have easily told also

J

you see

it was taboo to expose family secrets like that

my grandmother could have

and I think too my uncle

I’m sure he was a victim

no one cared enough for me to fix it

no one

I’ve been on my own emotionally from the beginning

C

yes

J

and I often wonder

about my daddy

I think that had he suspected he'd have killed my grandfather

but

I also think

my mom had him where she wanted him

C

master manipulator

J

I think he knew about the grandfather thing

but she must have downplayed it to him

I cannot reconcile it in my mind about my daddy

because I KNOW he loved me

the only one

but he was unavailable emotionally

he had his hands full with my mom for sure

C

yes

J

and she did not want to share him with me

I know that for a fact

she was jealous that he loved me 

C

because she has no idea of what real love means

J

she never forgave me that he took me to meet his parents before he took her

I was not even 2

can a mother not feel something

even such a damaged mother?

I did

C

yes, of course.

it's choice.

J

and granted I did not live in the same house as he did like them

but.....

my cousin asked me if I really remember it

ha!

I remember like it was yesterday

an ugly picture I cannot erase

C

have you thought about writing a letter to him?

to each of them.

J

no

not really

C

to put everything you feel in that letter

J

I wonder how it will feel without any filter between me and the anger

idk if that's wise or not

C

you will know when that time comes

J

yes

C

but if we're self medicating ... even with food ... we're not lancing the wound, we're band aiding it ...

J

yes

that's what has occurred to me today with this conversation

C

and every time I’m hormonal, I truly question my sanity, j.

J

that anger must come out

C

because I can feel such rage at the drop of a hat

J

exactly

same here

only no hormones to trigger it

just a constant undertone

C

I remember a show once where the person went to a mountain top and just started screaming ... until she couldn't any longer .. all the anger and venom and poison just came rolling out

and she said she felt spent when she was done, but it was done

J

my first reaction to that is that there is no mountain high enough

C

that's my thought with putting your feelings to paper ... since they aren't here physically any more, and you wouldn't do that to your mother any ways, would it be therapeutic for you?

J

idk

I’m fearful of the anger to be honest

C

the one thing it would do is not make it a secret any more

you've told it

you know?

J

I doubt that anyone who knows me thinks it's a secret lol

that's not the point though

C

right

J

I’ve never let it be a secret

that at least was not a compounding of it

C

but you've protected your mom from it

J

well

never after being an adult

I did protect her from it

and my family

regardless of their responsibility

I too was a scapegoat

ha

C

yes

J

swallow it all to keep them safe

when, u see

that's a lie

the truth sets us free

C

yes

J

they have been bound as much as me

C

so how to put that into practice?

truth

J

and my mom begged me not to tell my little brother

idk

C

he deserves to know the truth also.

he is your brother.

how can he be there for you with half truths?

J

yes he's my brother of tender heart who only lately has come to belong to Jesus

C

oh gosh, I just did that to myself!

J

ha

C

ouch

J

yes

C

?

you mean in regards to what D knows?

J

u see

we protect them

C

yep

J

where is the line of telling them so that they can love us better, and telling them that would hurt their hearts and lodge arrows that are needless?

like the arrow my mom put in my brother with telling him my daddy's last words

cruel

there's no need to have told him

C

it's discerning how they understand the arrows were yours, not theirs.

J

I must ask Jesus

C

remember you mom is not operating from a loving heart that would understand that

J

yes

it does not excuse her

she is very very intelligent

C

you are right. it doesn't

so, Lord, do we swallow the poison so as not to inflict arrows on others? I think the answer is yes because He intends we take the poison to him to dispose of.

J

there

I have always operated on that

at least partially

love ruled

do not inflict unnecessary pain

ok.  always is not truth

there was a time I was ugly to men

but not since I came to my heart in truth

a hatred has been there longer it seems

I wonder

was love there first?

I remember being such a happy baby in spite of everything

I sang all the time

C

yes. From heaven, you came with love in your heart. God made it that way

J

I’m thinking

we're on to something here C

the anger we've 'stuffed' is showing up as fat

C

yep

J

I wondered what it was

truly

I did not know

I think this is it

Well now I guess I have my answer to questions on the dark nights of the soul

there’s always a reason - anger it seems is the reason in this instance

I’ve long held that anger is a result of pain

That belief has not changed

Anger turned inward is poison it seems

Curiously though, my heart has a bent to protect others it seems

Or could it be that a baby simply would not know what to do with such ugliness?

It certainly laid the groundwork for a heart that both stuffs pain out of a lack of understanding on how to deal with it,

and a heart that knows pain and loathes to inflict it upon even the least deserving.

Again I accept that this is as it was meant to be within my heart. 

It does not matter the means other than to say that it was painful.

Now

Now I would make the full circle

Jesus how do I release this anger that’s so built up within me?

Where do I spew this poison so that it will not also become poison in another?

I want more than anything else to love as you love Jesus.

But I also want to be whole now.

I think it’s time.

Because I realize too that here I am demanding from my mother – what perhaps I’ve been unwilling to do myself.

So please show me the next step.

C

Amen!

But you know what?

In all honesty, I do not envy those people who speak truth without considering the arrows.

Because there is a way to express truth, but with love, such as your email to your mother.

You have every right to spew venomous wounding words to her, and yet, you don't. You tell her there is still hope.

There are soooo many, even in our family, that just speak without considering do they have all the facts and whether their comments are welcome and appreciated ...

I don't want to go to that place of truth.

I want to speak from my heart, will my words will heal and not hurt.

It's a fine line we tread, much like a gymnast on a beam ... Please Jesus keep me steady and hang on to me!

J

yes.  you know we get some good stuff from our conversations huh

C

I think Jesus is leading us into discoveries we have to make

J

yes

community is so important

love God and love one another

C

yes!

J

they will recognize us by our love

relationship

connection

we need each other

for sure

C

well, it will be interesting to me to see if T is experiencing any anger issues recently also?

I’m aware that I’m having anger issues here ... God has me here for a reason

J

me too

you know what

I didn't realize it until last nite's conversation with my cousin

I was almost shouting

bless her heart

then I thought after I hung up

wow

where did that come from?

and not till this morning did I realize it was for this, in our conversation

C

can you picture Jesus in there with a bucket of tools pounding away at the dents?

J

hahaha

good image

C

yeah, when I actually picture that ... he's in welding gear, hahahah

the leather stuff and a visor that comes down over his face so he doesn't get splattered

J

hahahahaha

C

hahahaha

J

maybe with a lion on the helmet part

roaring

C

yep!

J

reminds me of bikers, those guys

hahaha

or tattoo artists

wild huh

C

or miners

J

yeah

pick axe

in hand

C

yep

J

oil drilling

C

getting to the gold

J

hahaha

we're a mess

C

the question is ...

are we sane?

hahaha

J

hmmmmm

C

hahahaha