3/11/12 passion purpose will heart - questions

and what of the dark night of the soul?
what of the blackness that would overwhelm me?
can this delight in one who gave all for me in love sustain the passion required to resist it?
can a heart battered by some arrow(s) unseen unrecognized unknown sustain its devotion in spirit alone?
is the will to love great enough to overcome the great odds against which it stands?
is it enough to simply know
if the knowing is what is more truth than any other thing
if the knowing though unfelt by emotion is solidly under one's feet
then what passionless heart can long endure blank days and blind nights?
time flowing with unseen reason
purpose not yet understood?
which pre-assumes much, that purpose is, that purpose matters, without question, that purpose motivates
passion and purpose
two sisters without which could not despair be the only recourse?
multiple facets to the equation it seems
about which I ponder daily
waiting
looking at a reflection in the mirror of lost youth
no real sadness for that
but regret
why does misspent youth only occur to one becoming gray?
not that it would change or I would wish it.
I know now that all was as it should be for His purpose
though still quite lost in wonder at it

would that I could lay down darkness of the soul and despair that haunt me
it is meaningless to be sure
but haunt it does nonetheless
I dare not look further than my own small awareness
for the overwhelming heaviness of the situation
I look to my Jesus alone
though a friend most welcome I'd see as well
some succor for my war torn heart as it were I hope

so I write
spill my guts on the pages of the unseen world of electronic signals
ha
sitting alone in a house I do not love
in a place I do not want to be
with no one beside me
save my little beasties - bless their precious hearts
blast technology anyway
for all the social applications for connection
why are we all still alone?

why indeed.

so this rambling that I do.
I wonder if there is any worth.
I wonder if like blood-letting it relieves the pressure
for I know it does not provide answers.
Jesus
I love you with all my heart
I know you love me
I know that I am yours without question

and so then
how is it that it does not feel like it's enough?
when I'm being completely honest...
I think it not blasphemy to ask this
Is this feeling of aloneness what my purpose entails?
does it require my heart to stand on knowing alone
willing that it not yearn for affection?
laying aside the desire to be held with fleshly arms?
would that I could turn off such desires.
or are they needful for discernment on behalf of others?
if so it is enough to know your love
but that is the question
can I simply ignore what I'm made to be
like a nun or monk vow fidelity to you alone
you know what my heart holds
is it perhaps some hidden secret
still waiting to be unveiled and exposed to the light of your love for me
I would rid my heart of all such ugliness
bring it on
I do so tire of this waiting.