11/15/11

I’m not enough

awwww  that is the lie

that is the enemy's lie

yes

that is our deepest wound

let the tears come and the grief of what has been a life lived with that lie

we've lived believing that

well, your heart matters to Jesus

there is much grief for me over what could have been if only I knew, if only I had believed

I am still trying to get it - but I know it is truth

yes ... baby steps it feels like but I KNOW it's leaps and bounds because it's coming all at once every day

and I think that part of having it become more and more real is the sharing with others and seeing how it changes their lives

and the desire that He placed within my heart to love others, give them truth and see them set free

if there were no freedom I could never have that desire

yes

it would be so cruel

and He is not cruel

ergo

it is truth

despite how I have felt

despite how the lies have had their hooks in me

despite my difficulty to fully embrace it

it is truth

yes

freedom is living in His love for me and believing it is good, He is good, and it is me that He wants

amazing

and yes, tears

of joy and grief

and wonder

and amazement

and awe

how could I be loved like this?

it is - or has - not been a rhetorical question

it has been the core of my heart

am I loved

am I worthy of being loved

and I’ve always believed the answer was no

the lie

which - if we understand Him - we know now that this lie is the deepest wound to His heart

it says that He is not good

and that His motives are not good

and it is so untrue

that is the separation  

that is the wound that mars all of our souls, the original sin, "is not God holding out on you?"  

the question to Eve, and her accepting the idea that He was not everything He is

and ever since God has been suspect

in all of our hearts

His heart has been on trial all these years

how it has hurt Him

I cannot imagine

Oh please see my love for you, He says I will do anything to have you love me.

yes