In all of my years as a child of the King I was content to
live in the outer courts eating the crumbs from His table. I had met the
Lord and I knew that I was welcome and that I had been made part of the family,
but because of my past and the shame of who I had been I was not able to allow
myself to come any closer to the Father.
It is strange to me that I was not even aware of this until
now. That contentment to be less than who He said I was did not seem
strange. In many ways I had thought that I had arrived and was
complete. But deep down I knew that there was so much more for me in this
relationship with Him. Christ was my portion, yet even Him I had kept at
a distance, in touch with Him at my own convenience. Many times over the
years He had come to me and called me to the inner court. But I still
refused, holding out because of my own ideas of who I was supposed to be.
I lived trying to work it out on my own. I had created or maybe just
found myself in a prison of my own emotions. But the Lord is so gracious
and meets us just where we live.
When I walked down to the water’s edge and saw and heard the
thundering ocean I met the Lord of Hosts.
I had been pondering the Holy of Holies and Job with his
life of righteousness and how my life’s search was for the love of a strong
man. At the beach I cannot but know that You Father are it’s creator, and
though like Job I am blameless through the blood of Christ, I feel You asking
me where I was when the foundations of the world were created.
The veil has been torn and Your Glory is revealed to the
nations. How can we stand in your presence oh Holy Almighty God?
The blood covering – my Lord Jesus – gives me access to Your presence and I am
in awe.
Seeing the ocean again brought me face to face with God’s
vastness – from my small view in my little world I once again had my eyes
opened to how great He is and how I was so small and yet so loved. I was
so humbled, seeing the minute perspective of my viewpoint of the sea which is
so vast and majestic, I realize that my view of God had shrunk into my daily
life, my desires, my roll in His plan as it related to where I was.
Coming to the sea had brought me face to face with the reality of how great He
is. It brought peace and a better understanding that He is so in
control of every aspect of this world, and my life. I have absolutely no
reason to live in the anxiety of trying to be who He made me to be, or trying
to orchestrate any part of His plan for my life. He has it all under
control. Whatever hopes and dreams I could possibly have are so far less
than what He has in store for me. My desire to be loved has been met in
Him. I may continue to struggle with trying to take control back again
because of the way I have lived, old habits, but I have His heart beating in me
now and I am aware of it more than ever before. The Father could never be
brought down to the level of my understanding and my desires no matter how
godly they would be in me, so I can let go of them all because I am realizing
that He is so much greater and more Holy than I have ever imagined. Now I
have met my strong man, my rock, the one I can finally and completely give
myself to because He has revealed His heart to me. “For I know the
plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
(NIV) The greatest love I could have asked for is mine and I am safe
with Him. I am finally safe.
Before the foundations of the earth were created He had a
design for each individual throughout His-story – uniquely made like a snow
flake – no two alike. He created us knowing who we would be and how each
of us would relate to Him or choose not to know Him. It was in His
divinely ordained plan with each of us for Him to reveal Himself to us in
exactly the way that we would need, so that we could see Him for who He
is. As we go through our lives He shows Himself to us more and
more. When we chose to belong to Him we entered into the covenant
marriage with Christ as His bride. Our preparation for that event is the
complete heart transplant – God’s heart to be exchanged for our own.
There is no formula to tell other people how to be able to
know God and how to walk our walk with Him because we each have a unique walk
and a unique calling and purpose for which we were created to fulfill His
plan. That plan is to bring a complete and spotless bride home for Christ
His son.
There is one Gate to enter by into the marriage feast which
is to be born again, but our paths on this earth though governed by the
direction of the Holy Spirit and in agreement with the Word, will be as
unique and individualized as each of us are unique and individuals.
So to some as are given gift ‘a’, others given gift ‘b’, etc.
but all are given the Holy Spirit and the Word which is for direction and
correction. But our walk and our calling and how we are reached and
directed is according to how He made us and the choices that we each make in
combination with our life experiences, the times and the places that we live.
So for me His drawing and the means by which He brought me
to His presence is very different from others. Though we are on the same
journey to His Kingdom, we take many paths, and narrow much of the time for
me. The Path being Christ, but the path being the ways of our choices in
life. Oh Lord make my way towards You.
It is not strange that I have spent the 35 years of my
Christian walk in the outer courts. Who I am and where I have come from
have told me that I was unworthy. Even though I believe with all of my
heart that He died to set me free, I could not come to that freedom and I could
not face my Creator without the understanding planted so long ago in my heart
that has come to grow to the point that I can accept myself for what He said I
am. It has not been a lack of faith, but a lack of trust.
So as all of the recent events in my life have come together
and as my heart has been softened enough to trust Him, He brought me to the
ocean so that I could see that He is strong, that He is Majesty, He is wild,
fierce, powerful, and in control. All of my fears melted as I stood wind
blowing at my face, hearing the surf and smelling the sea. And I was
ushered into the Holy of Holies to stand in the presence of the Almighty.
Still feeling unworthy but knowing that He called me there, that He desired my
presence with Him. That he had longed to show me who He is and the depth
of His love for me.
The stubbornness of my heart and the fears of my life had
prevented me from trusting and believing that even me, I, could be desired by
such as Him.
I do not have to look for His love in the eyes of others any
more. I do not require others to be Him for me. No one else could
compare to who He is. He is my strong man, who flexed His might before me
and then tenderly drew me with arms of grace to Himself.
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