This is a portion of a letter I wrote to my friend Toni.
I had come to terms with my past a long time ago. The hurt
still lingers and occasionally rears it’s ugly head in an attempt to once again
take control of my life. I don’t know if those feelings will ever go
away. Maybe it is a good thing if they don’t. Those feelings remind
me that I need God and that He loves me and that He has healed my heart.
Somehow they drive me to Him because I can’t handle them all by myself like I
tried to do for so many years. They keep me humble because I realize that
I am not any better than the perpetrators of my hurts and pain. My sin is
no less than theirs. Because of this I can love with my whole heart and
even love those who are so ugly and have caused such pain.
I can not do that from my own heart Toni. I am a self
centered person who wants to feed my own flesh and wallow in my sorrows and
pain. I want to pander to my own desires and lusts just like everyone
else. But I can’t do that any more. I have a purpose that is so
much bigger than myself. I have a heart that is filled overflowing with a
pure love seeking out those whose heart have been broken like mine was.
Two years ago God did do that heart surgery on me that I told you about.
He did heal it completely, but he left the memory of the pain and suffering
there so that I could connect with others that have experienced that
pain. I know without a doubt that He can heal your heart as well.
It’s not a matter of quitting smoking or drinking or anything
else. That stuff is just stuff and really doesn’t matter at all to
God. There is no shame or guilt for you to carry for those or any other
habits, actions, feelings, or thoughts that you may have or ever had. God
desperately wants to heal your heart and make you whole again. He wants
to wrap His arms around you hold you close and love you until you are
completely satisfied. You simply have to give in to Him, and open up just
like you did with me, and just get in His face. Reach out, put down your
own pride, take down the walls that you’ve built for protection, show Him your
pain your anger your grief and disappointments. Then jump off that
seeming cliff that separates you from Him into His arms. He will catch
you, He already has you though you aren’t able to feel it right now.
Release all of it, let it go, all of it. It’s too much of a burden for
your heart to carry any more. Tell Him everything you are feeling, have
had to endure, the sorrows and pain and anger it produced, and yes the fears
too. Just open up and let Him into all of those places in your heart that
you have closed off from Him.
Let Him do the cleaning now. Don’t try to do it yourself,
just let Him do the cleansing and healing of your heart. It’s painful
like every surgery, but it lasts only a little while. Just like
childbirth you will forget the pain because of the joy you feel afterwards when
you see the gift that you receive.
Toni I’m not just praying for Tracy and Jeremy and Levi you
know. Your whole family is on my ‘hit’ list for God to do what He desires
for you.
There is no demon in hell that can keep you from His love.
But he is a gentleman and will not come where He is not invited. So if
you really want healing and want to be free of those ugly hurtful things that
rule your life then open them up and let Him deal with them. I am
standing in the gap for you. I am holding you up to Him asking Him to
protect you and nourish your soul. He will keep you with his powerful –
awesome – tender – precious – awful - fearsome love. I’m not talking
about His angels standing guard while you fight off the demons you have inside
you binding you up. I’m talking about God Himself, Jehovah the living I
AM standing in your house holding out His hand like a suitor asking for the
next dance. Do you see the picture? Do you feel His presence?
He kneels and asks you to let Him love you completely. Like the proposal
for marriage, to be united with Him in every way. He wants all of you
Toni, even the ugliness of your past. He wants your pain and your hurt
and your anger. He wants to dance with you hold you love you until you
can’t take any more. He wants to satisfy all of your desires. All
you have to do is take His hand open your heart and let Him into all of it.
Like a new lover that sets you on fire He wants you to be drawn to
Him. He wants to be in every thought He wants to be the distraction that
you just can’t stop thinking about, the smell of Him on your body and in your
nose that thrills you like secret passions. Yes He wants to be your
lover, He wants to be what you wake up desiring. He wants to consume you
in every way.
What could possibly be better than that? I can’t think of
anything that I would ever want or need than Him. Yes Toni He is sensual,
passionate, He does lust for us in a way that only He can show us. His
desire for us is so strong and deep and sacred. That kind of love is
irresistible. Do you feel it? It’s not wrong. He
created us with all of those needs and desires, with a deep thirst and
yearning for it. Why do you think He created us with these senses?
They are all given to us to draw us to Him. They are not evil or ugly or
dirty. You are a passionate woman Toni. Let your passion draw you to Him
who created it in you. Give in to Him like a new lover, with your whole
heart, in full abandon unaware of anything else.
Then when you are full, filled to overflowing, then you can go to
war
The passion He placed in you is there for a reason my cherished
love. The strength in you is not an accident. The people in your
life are not there by chance. It is Jehovah in you that draws them to
you. He created you with such strength, and like me He brought you
through the fire to be forged into a sword - for Him to wield in the battle for
those people’s souls. There is so much at stake here that we don’t have
time to waste our time and energy wallowing in the past, my love. So take
His hand and dance that dance of passion. Yield to His love for you and
be filled up with His strength. Give in to your desire to be with Him and
breathe in the perfume of His love for you. How powerful we are
when we come from that place of secure belonging, from a love big enough to
create the universe. How awesome to stand with the knowledge that He is
in us, that he breathes through us, feels through us, loves through us.
That, precious one, is what you were created for.
No comments:
Post a Comment