Well I've been doing pretty
well up until the past couple of weeks.
I've gained 10 lbs which is not surprising since I stopped doing the
treadmill and started eating everything in sight again. I have been exhausted lately and I can feel
myself heading into another depression.
But I have been able to
recognize it and last night I thought about it.
I do not need to climb the entire mountain or swim the entire sea. I have to draw near to God and be obedient in
THIS moment. I was thinking about this friend of mine Toni. She has a cat with 4 kittens and there is a
feral kitten that looks like maybe 2 months or so older than the others who has
been hanging around her house. She is
wild and untrusting and skittish. Toni
has patiently sat and taken care of the other kitties and her cat, petting and
loving them and feeding them all in view of the feral. Over time the feral has slowly gotten to the
point of letting Toni feed her and pet her.
Now she is almost tame but she still has that wild look in her eyes and
she is still skittish around anyone else.
I thought about drawing near
to God and how He loves His children and takes care of them, lovingly feeds,
clothes, and 'pets' them. So I like the
feral looking from outside seeing how much He loves them have desired to be one
of them. I have in spite of my skittish
fear come close to Him and allowed Him to feed and cloth and 'pet' me. But I have never felt like I was a real part
of the 'family', born into it and fully accepted. I am like the feral in a lot of ways still
wild and skittish and fearful. I see
myself 'sneaking' in to be part of the litter hiding there among the true
children. I don't know how to allow
myself to trust that God truly loves me the way I am. I've been trying to transform myself into
what I see as beautiful and lovable.
So this morning I decided
that I can do 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Not because I am trying to be beautiful and lovable but because God
wants me to and He loves me even if I don't obey. It was such a revelation to me while I was
walking that I am already lovable. That
I am not responsible for the end result of my obedience to Him. I have
in my mind's eye a picture
of myself thin and beautiful and attractive and therefore lovable. But I got a flash of insight from Him that He
loves me right now. I don't have to, and
can't, make myself more lovable to Him.
I have no template to go by
to understand this kind of love. I have
been a failure at love all my life.
I am still feral and wild
eyed and untrusting. Even when I know He
loves me I still fear rejection because I don't feel like I am part of His real
family. I wish I could live outside of
my feelings. I wish I could rise above
those driving forces in my life that have ruled me entirely.
For now I have decided that
I can obey Him right at this moment. I must not look beyond right now,
projecting everything and becoming overwhelmed with the entire journey.
Because I know I can't do
it. I do not have the strength or will
or power to do it myself.
I have made myself the point
and lost track of what I am about.
I have stopped looking at
Him and started looking in the mirror.
I have been swept away with
the attention and praise for the results so far of what God is doing.
I've been taking the credit
when it has been Him all along working in me.
All I know is that I must
draw near to Him and stay as close as I can.
I must obey this moment and
leave tomorrow to itself.
I must give Him the glory
and praise for everything He is doing in my life.
I get depressed because I
get my eyes off of Him. I want to be
loved so badly that I will do almost anything to get it. That desire pulls me away from God and gets
me into trouble every time, but I don't know how to NOT have that desire.
Outside focuses allowed me
to get beyond my inward spiraling depression and self loathing. I have a lot of knowledge and understanding
but I have very little experience in how to put it to practical use. So I'm having to learn how to 'stand
therefore' having put on the amour of God.
I am having to trust in that amour, in the word of God that says it is
true and trustworthy. I am having to
learn to trust that He loves me in spite of how I feel.
My heart desperately wants
to feel love. I do not trust anyone to
love me as I desire to be loved. It
feels like I have too much need and not enough to give in return. So I want to run wild eyed to hide and in
fear live in the shadows. I want to be
out and be part of the family fully. I
don't know why I feel like I can't.
Words do not give me any comfort because I know and have heard all about
it.
So here I am again naked and
exposed, ugly and shameful, tired and needy, fighting desperately not to run
away.
And I remember that I can obey
THIS MOMENT and only this moment and give the rest to Him. I know that this moment will build into more
but I can't think about that. It is too
much to bear considering all that needs to be done in me. So that is where I am. Living right now in this moment forgetting
everything else, just being His right now.
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