Hi Carey
I find it very
interesting that this was the scripture for 12/30/06 :
Let us... lay aside every weight
and the sin that clings so closely, and... run with perseverance that race that
is set before us. --Hebrews 12:1 [NSRV]
And for 12/31/06
one of my life verses:
He who dwells in the shelter of the
Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. --Psalm 91:1 [NIV]
The more I get
in to this the more I am aware of the fact that I have not been a good steward
of what God has given me. I live in this body that He made for me but I
have not taken care of it at all.
My
struggle has been a 52 almost 53 year battle between me and my
flesh. It is strange to me that on this side of the struggle I am calm
and confident that God will supply the strength to endure the battle and to
eventually win. My sacrifice of praise to God is to become the
person He designed me to be. To be a good steward of the gifts He has
given me. This body does not belong to me, but to God. I can't put
God off in a corner to be pulled out and used at my own discretion any
more. He has broken through to my heart and suddenly things are becoming
so clear to me. I want to be what God has wanted me to be so
that He can use me to draw others to Himself. I am in the mission field
and this work is to win the soul of someone I love. Oh how I regret the
wasted years and how I pray that God will honor the promise in Joel 2 that He
will restore the years that the locust have eaten. I not only want to lose
the weight but I want to lose 30 years so that it will be obvious that only He
could have done this in me. I don't want to be like Sari, but I want to
be like Sarah.
I am so weak in
my own flesh but in this God has given me un-natural strength to press
on. To 'lay aside every weight', 'and the sin that clings so
closely', and to 'run with perseverance that race that is set before me'.
I can do this with God's strength but not with my own. I must keep my
heart and mind stayed on Him who has loved me from the beginning.
I want to reside in God's presence
and be bathed in the knowledge that He is always with me giving me strength,
love, and protection.
I have been
bombarded with thoughts of all of the things that I could to do to
make this process go more quickly. But then I think of the disaster of
when Abraham took things into his own hands and did not wait for God's
work. I want to live Gods love and power and not fall to
the temptation to try to use my own means. I decided to listen to
Moody instead of J103 because I no longer want to be entertained or simply
reminded peripherally about God. I want to have my mind stayed on
Him so that I can grow in strength of purpose. So then EVERY lesson that
I have heard at church and on the radio throughout the day, every day
since the 20th has been about this situation. I have dedicated the time I
am spending on the treadmill to God, as a praise to Him. My purpose in
this has changed dramatically from being my own desire to be beautiful for
God's use, to my desire to be an instrument of God for His desires.
I have always
been so lazy because things were so easy. Even where my voice is
concerned I have never sought to hone any of the skills or talents that God has
given me. My whole life has been a pursuit for love. All along
He has patiently been there with his heart exposed to me with the offer of more
love than I could ever possibly dream of or understand. I am ashamed to
admit that I wanted love on my own terms though so I took only enough of
the love that Jesus gave me to be comfortable. My flesh and it's
desires again was dictating my destiny and way of life.
So it has been a battle between me and myself all along. There was this
great gift of unfathomable love given to me freely without any demands and I
would or could not take it. I am so overwhelmed with the understanding
that I have already been given the love that I have sought my whole life.
If opening my heart up to the possibility of love again results in other's
salvation and nothing more, then I am able to be content.
Well Carey, I am sorry about
dumping so much on you all of a sudden. It is difficult for me to express
these feelings and thoughts to just anyone, yet I find such kinship with you
and I believe that you would most understand. This has been a volcanic
eruption for me and I do not want it to spill out onto anyone that it would
burn. I tried to explain to Dottie and I think I only succeeded in making
her think I am off my rocker! ha! poor Dottie!
Anyway you don't
even have to read or respond to my albeit lengthy missives. Thanks for
being my friend.
Jeanne,
I cannot tell you how
wonderful it is to read what you send to me. So much of it seems as if
I’ve written it myself only… you are so much more expressive than I am.
You have such a lovely way with words that I really do think you’ve missed your
calling to be a poet or a novelist. Every time I read your letters I no
longer feel alone in my quest and desires. I thank God for you daily and
pray that his hand will continue to steady your every move. Thank you so
much for sharing your life with me.
Remember that you are
already beautiful for God’s will. From here you can only become more
beautiful. That’s the wonderful thing about God. No matter how
unattractive we try to make ourselves (whether inside or out) he will still
find a way to use us if it is in his will. Maybe it’s just now God’s time
for your true work to begin in his kingdom.
Carey
OH Carey
Thank you. I am so glad to have someone out there that understands me
also. It is such a struggle not to burst out with all that God is doing
in my life to just everyone. I need to take great care for
others and consider their needs also. I don't want to run them over
and I don't want to cause pain or strife. I am acutely aware of what God
is doing in me and the transformation that is happening. He is calling me
to be what He created me to be. You know what my name
means? God's gracious gift. It is the feminine of John. There is something very strong in me that
needs to live up to my name.
I was (as always now) listening to Moody and there was something said about
God's true calling on your life. I have had many talents and desires
throughout my life. The most prominent gift and what I thought was my
calling has been to sing. I have had a song in my heart as long as I can
remember. I have felt God's drawing me for as long as I can remember
also. This lesson I heard said something about the fact that a person
would really know what their true calling was. But I was never really
sure about it - until now. I've not ever thought of myself as a
missionary. I have been on mission trips but I did not feel that it was
my calling. I don't feel like an evangelist or someone who's purpose it
is to win souls for the LORD. I have led many people to Christ over the
years but I have not truly lived the example of His love to them, not discipled
them or even prayed for them. This is the first time in my life that I
have purposed to live Gods love as an example in order to lead someone
to Christ. I feel it in my bones that God wants this of me. Now
finally I believe that I have found His true calling on my life. In
saying 'yes' to Him finally, now He is able to mold me and use me. Who
knows where this will lead. I know that it is their choice to either
accept or decline God's gift of love. But I hear their hearts crying out
for it. When they finally come to the place in their lives where they
realizes that they needslove, and that they need to learn how to give
and receive love. They just do not know the Author of love, who is
Christ. I want to be part of the solution and not part of the problem any
longer. I want God to use me as He intended. I want to be an
instrument of His grace.
I know that God loves me and can use me as I am, but I am not and have never
been in His perfect will. I have woefully neglected His temple and abused
my freedom of choice and allowed my flesh to control me. Now I have a battle
with this body and it is difficult. My every cell is screaming in the
struggle to gain back control. The flesh is so used to being satisfied
and it has a huge appetite that demands satiation. But as I am using
the treadmill I am using the time to praise and worship God. I have not
felt so close to God in many years. My spirit is anemic and weak but it
is gaining strength through this. The effort that it is taking is huge
and I know that I am too weak to be doing this alone. God is giving me
strength to do this. I have to draw from the natural strength that He
gave me but that is not enough by itself. I am strong and stubborn and
willful and rebellious and yet I am lazy and weak and afraid. This is my
true self, a dichotomy of passion and uncaring. I have the ability to do
much but I have never followed through and really done anything except raising
my kids the best that I could. And in this also I know that without God
it would not have been possible. When times are good for me I am carefree
and energetic and full of life but when I am knocked down and trampled on I
just stay there and I am listless and uncaring. I have never been able to
walk in the middle. It's either very high soaring like an eagle or very
low wallowing like a pig in the dirt. Well I have wallowed long enough
and I am now taking flight. Perhaps just now I am not the eagle yet,
maybe something smaller and less grand, but flying none the less.
Carey please pray
with me that God will accomplish His will in my life. Please pray that I
will have the strength and wisdom to get out of the way and let Him use
me. My true heart's desire to be loved is truly fulfilled only in Him and
I am so grateful and humbled that He loves me so much. I want my desires
to be His desires and my will to be His will, and my life to be His life.
I want not to put my own desires above His, my own will above
His, my own life above His. So just as I discover in my heart that thing
that I so tried to crush and smother, that desire to be loved by the man of my
heart, just as I discover that I have deluded myself into believing that I
could kill that love, destroy it and live without my passion, I find myself
wanting take this overwhelming love that I have for others and give it to Him
who loves me so much more, my LORD Jesus.
Yes LORD I give it
to You and I ask humbly that you take it and take them and open their eyes to
that greater love that You have for him. I give my love to you Jesus and
all of the desires of my heart, a poor gift to the King of Kings, but it is my
core, my being, and my life. It is all that I have of worth to give
You. Please LORD Please bring them into your Kingdom. Amen.
Jeanne,
Please, oh please write a
novel series. I promise that I would buy them every one.
Again so much of what you
wrote is what has been locked in my heart with no way to express it. I
have tried to explain many times that I wasn’t sure what my true calling was
because I’ve never “felt it in my bones” as you put it. Believe it or
not, many people do not understand this. They see an “obvious” talent and
they think that it should be your true calling regardless of if you feel it or
not. I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear you, once again, confirm
what I have felt before.
Your third paragraph,
highlighted in red, is so much what I feel that I wonder if you and I are
really connected, at the brain, somehow. (If so then I want some of your
writing talent.J) It’s so strange, good but
strange. I honestly feel like you know me better than I know myself. “This is my true self, a dichotomy of passion
and uncaring” This phrase
struck me to the core because I have often thought that I am such a living
breathing contradiction.
I will pray for you.
Thanks for sharing,
Carey
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