Nails in the coffin of my heart.
In a story of my life I cannot tell it without the
background of the circumstances of my birth, and my family of origin. It is difficult to tell this story because of
the potential for pain in those who are still with us and who I love. Truth is something that compels us though, so
I will endeavor to be as honest and as kind as I am able.
1st nail: Abandonment first degree.
I have gathered information over the years at opportune
moments when it would not usually be available.
My biological father is someone named Doug. I have never met him. He is only a name and a concept to me. I have a photograph of him with my mother and
my older brother. My mother was pregnant
with me. I believe that was the last
time we were all together. He was
wearing an Air force uniform. I have no
details about him. But this man who
fathered me has haunted me all my life because I have wanted to know why he did
not want me. Orphaned and unwanted was
how I had always felt because of him until I met the King of Kings and finally
understood that He wanted me enough to adopt me into His family and make me one
of His children, a full heir to His kingdom.
2nd nail: Abuse first degree. Abandonment second degree.
My mother is at any given moment unable to address her past,
or spewing it in all directions. She has
never learned boundaries, social, physical, or any other. For the most part she does not or can not go
back there and chooses instead to spend her time in a self made world of being
busy. I cannot blame her. We share a common abuser; however I was
spared the depth and length of abuse that she endured. Her life is one of deep pain that so far has
been untouched by any truth or love - even God's. She has never known what it is to be loved
though she has been loved. Her ability
to feel it has been disengaged in order to protect her from her great
pain. I understand this way of thinking
and feeling. But I know the way of
escape, His name is Jesus. She does not.
3rd nail: Abuse second degree.
During my grade school years I was not only abused by my
grandfather, but by what I will call inappropriateness from multiple young
men. It is not necessary to name names
or circumstances other than to say that people that should have been in my
corner were not, and strangers masquerading as friends should have remained
strangers. Children are cruel and given
the opportunity will 'experiment' with one another. When this happens it is usually not done out
of curiosity and there is always one who has a dominating part in it. This makes the other child a victim though
willing for the sake of 'friendship'. I
was a repeated victim of multiple young boys over many years. Not because I was weak or unable to protect
myself, but because I chose participation over rejection. These acts may be viewed as childhood playing
teasing or mischief by some adults but I assure you that they had taken their
toll on my view of myself. Fortunately I
am free now through the liberating Love of Jesus Christ's never-ending
abounding compassion and desire to have as me His own. There is a LOT
to be said for being desired pursued and loved by Almighty God that much!
4th nail: Self loathing first degree and second degree.
This one might not have made the list until I thought about
the global effect that my feelings about myself have had on me throughout my
life. It is difficult to say the
differences between first and second degree self loathing. One never knows like, the chicken and the
egg, which came first. However the end
effect is that from my own view of myself I have not measured up for a
multitude of reasons. From the view of
how I feel others perceive me I did not measure up either. If I do not see in myself what God created
then I see only what man would have me believe, that I am nothing and have no
purpose. Feelings are not usually a
standard for measuring one's worth.
Looking from in here however they are all that matters. Years of hearing that I am less than I should
be, being treated like I have no value, and reinforcing it within myself with
my own insecurities and unreachable standards have been a constant brainwashing
of self loathing. There is only one way
to get out of this. I have tried
scientology, yoga, meditation, new age thinking and any number of other
humanistic ways to change this self image.
Bogus all of them! Jesus Christ
our creator is the one with the recipe; God created us in His image, breathed
life into us and called us His children.
His Word is the only standard where Truth can be found. He has instructed me to put His Word into my
heart and meditate on it day and night.
The reason is so that I will know myself through His perspective and
have a right view of who I truly am. Yes
I am wonderfully and fearfully made, knit together in my mother’s womb with His
design that was conceived before the foundations of the earth. Having a purpose that He created only me for,
and gave me everything that I need to fulfill.
I have been born into sin but born again into an eternity of love from a
Father that had a desire for me long before the earth was created. I am worth more than I can ever fathom when I
see myself through His eyes.
There are more nails but for now I think that is
sufficient. Maybe I'll add them later to
this chapter.
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