On 'normal' days I stand full armor and take the hits with
little effect. Not today. My mind races to try to find that place of
comfort to no avail. I am getting lost
again. Tired of the clichés to buck up
and be strong. How else could I have
made it this far if I weren't strong? I
have the armor, the faith, the knowledge.
But I need help. It is not
enough, just me alone. Long years I have
fought this battle and stood my ground.
Well perhaps losing ground and maybe gaining here and there. I have lost sight of the place it is supposed
to be. Where is my aide? I can not do it alone. Despair.
Strength I have had and used up.
Fear attacks and I flail in my attempt to fend it off. How do I continue to fight? There is little left of me. If I close my eyes I can see the legions that
attack me. Full legions of enemy flying
diving biting clawing and burning me. I
am lost. Is this God? Am I to surrender to it? The map is distorted and unclear. Where is the reinforcement that feeds my soul
and soothes the grief? What should I
do? I have no companion here. I know God.
I belong to Jesus and He is with me but I can not see Him or feel His
presence any longer. Surely He is here
with me. There is a deep knowing that I
am His but my eyes are blind to Him and I feel so alone. I can not talk of the battle with
anyone. I am attacked and derided with
scorn from my fellows. There is no
understanding for my comfort. Why do I
face this battle alone? Can there be no
one to stand with me? No I fight alone
in a field of fog and hopeless doom. No
eyes to see the direction of attack and even my best weapons are useless
against it. These weapons that have kept
me for so long. They are worn and
patched now. Broken and tired, I fear
defeat. I long for rest and there is
none. I know my God IS, and that He
loves me but I do not feel it or see it.
There are no nurses for my wounds and no surgeon able to heal me. I scream for help and yet my voice is
silent. I search blindly feeling my way
and stumbling run trying to escape it.
They are near me and I am afraid of being devoured. It is very dark. There is no water to drink and no warmth for
my bones. Who can love me. There is no one. I am scared and disfigured with wounds that
have festered and scabbed. They have not
healed, and are just hidden beneath the surface. They are poison and will continue to hurt me
forever.
Metaphors are so easily described. What is it really? I do not feel loved. I do not feel worthy of love. I do not feel that there is anyone who has
enough strength to love me with the enormity of my need. I feel alone and I am very lonely. I can not escape the despair that my thoughts
take me to. Prayer is not hopeful or
helpful to me now and I can not read or study it away. There is no one that understands or has
enough patience to try. I feel abandoned
again. I can not feel God's presence and
I am so lonely for Him. He is the only
one with the strength and love enough for me.
No man has been able to give me the love I need.
I look at these words and see my depression clearly. None of the answers I know of can fix
me. I am so tired of this constant
pressure on my heart and head. There is
not easily answered. No I have tried all
of them and they are only a band aid to the huge surgery needed for my
heart. Often I feel that it is not
worth the fight and I want to give up.
Oh but that is not allowed so I just try to numb myself with my medication
and distract myself with all the stuff around me. Usually I can occupy my brain enough. But there are times that it does not
work. Like now. I am so strong and yet it is barely enough
for me to keep myself contained. I am
strong. I have been able to do this for
such a long time. But I am so tired, so
weary, so used up and exhausted now.
If you read this please do not be kind to me. I can't take it. It makes me reach out for hope that is not
there. The depth of my need will destroy
you. It will consume you and suck you
into the black hole that is my pain. I
do not wish to draw anyone in. I can not
keep you safe here with me. I do not
want anyone else to hurt this way.
Yes I know. I read
this and observe one very disturbed person.
It is ok. I am not asking for
help. Please do Not try to help. I only ask to be able to share and have
someone to know how it is with me. That
does not mean to understand me, just that I am this way. And NO I am NOT suicidal. I have called the psychologist. I will get help.
There
now. I have vented some of the poison
and there is a bit of relief. It will be
ok for another little while.
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