"And
every virtue we possess
Is His alone."
Is His alone."
Makes
me wonder if I am simply in a season of being trimmed of the natural. But
it also makes me wonder if I am slipping backwards and away from my Lord.
Emotion seems to have been stripped from me in some ways. I am numb, but
there is an anger that has come to the surface at times that shows me that I
have much that remains to deal with. Aparently like layers of the
proverbial onion He is peeling away yet another of my protective shields,
getting closer to the truth in me. Not for Him to see, but me. And
so regardless of my desire to hide away He presses in to reach me. it's
true, He has never let me go. If not for this a solid fact within me (be
it mental, emotional or spiritual, I know it as truth) I would have given up
long ago and simply rid the world of me. That is a clue of the angst within,
directed towards myself. I lothe what I am. There is hatred that I
cannot explain but that is very real no matter how hard I try to hide it.
I don't even know why. But I hate the lack of discipline within me, the
lies I tell to myself and others, the thief that is only subtlly hidden, the
wretched selfishness that for some reason I have not the ability to deny when
it rears it's ugly head in demands for whatever appetite carries the
moment. There is much for me to hate. There is a lifetime of being
'not good enough' to keep me from making any attempt to change. Defeat is
towering over me as I huddle in the corner trying to hide in the shadows.
This is not what God says I am. But this is what I see myself as.
I
fear the trimming of the Lord will leave very little behind once He is finished
pruning these branches.
No
matter. Even if there were only a speck left it would be something
unworthy of His love.
I
know - that's not what He said.
I
wish I could simply turn the switch and believe. But saying I believe
does not make it so. And all the reading and learning would not make it
so. And all the lectures about it does likewise not make it so.
There
is nothing external that can be applied to remedy the brokenness that I am.
I
know, I know. Jesus is the answer. Jesus IS the answer. I
know.
He
was fully human and I know that He understands my need for companionship, for
friendship, for acceptance, for love. None of which have been enough in
my life. That is to say that what I have had has not scratched the
surface of my need. And there I am back to the fact that I must be
totally broken and unlovable. So I am beyond sadness. I am resigned
to life in the 'nothing' of going through the motions without connection.
Yes
this has been a difficult year. More challenging I think than any
other.
I've
been brought into the very throne room of the Lord of Hosts, and I have now
found myself so utterly disconnected as to think that I have been transported
to the outer limits of the galaxy where aloneness is all that exists.
Can
You find me here too Lord?
Is
there a way back into Your presence?
Is
emotion one of those branches that must be pruned away?
Am I
to be expected to live without the passion that drew me to You?
How
does this work?
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