11/16/09 There is a darkness

There is a darkness that hounds me.  It has all my life, just as the light has been ever before me and my source of hope and strength.

Sometimes I slip into the darkness and feel engulfed in the fear and terror of it.  Not so much any more.  In fact I can’t remember the last time I was overcome with it.  I’ve learned to be aware of the closeness of it and to lean heavily on my Lord in those times.  But it is insidious and at times comes stealthily catching me unaware.  Or I stop to rest for a bit and close my eyes only to find that I have gotten myself into trouble.

At any rate my life has been an exercise of reaching for the light then some disappointment or distraction weighs me down and I lose focus and stop reaching. 

It is clear – so clear – when looking back to see the hand of God in my life.  To see that He has slowed and lingered waiting for me to reach again for Him.  Not that I could have told you that at the time.  O.C. talked about being so one with God that we do not continually need to ask for guidance.  Being sanctified children in obedience.  And having spiritual discipline to see God in every detail of our lives, past present and future.

It occurred to me the other day that my life has not been out of control and that He has had the reigns all along.  I’ve fought to have control thinking that I must, all my life.  It was a revelation to know that He was right there orchestrating the details of my life down to the nanosecond.  Knowing beforehand my choices and reactions to all the situations I would find myself in.  He brought just enough to prune me and perhaps bruise me a bit in painful ways and I have learned to be kind and compassionate to others in pain.  He has given me much and He has brought me through poverty.  The stress of those years is always in the back of my mind with every choice I make because I hate the thought of always focusing on need rather than on Him.  Yet without having walked that path I cannot understand the difficult humiliating position of having to stand with one’s hand out asking for bread.  And too having been there I know first hand how it is to love enough to give down to the last penny when I see a need. 

Having grown up in a home void of honest and forthright communication so I have learned to cherish truth.  Feeling unwanted I have worshiped the thought of being loved.  And though in knowing my Father and my Husband/Savior has sated that appetite to a degree, it is often a part of me that rears itself with heady demands within me and I must fight to deny the desire.  I only see this as a symptom of the fact that I have not ‘arrived’ to the place of complete trust in His love for me.  It is discouraging and difficult to admit that.  Because over many years He has proven Himself over and over in ways only He could have accomplished.  So the knowing is not quite solid within me though that one thing is the cherished desire of my heart. 

To know beyond any question that I am loved without qualification is all my life has ever sought. 

Intangible fleeting feelings aside (with great effort I might add) I push to grow and discover the essence of that Love.  For I believe it is there.  With all my heart I believe, yet as it is written, “Lord help my unbelief”.  So human and disappointing is my resolve.  But glimpses through the looking glass I’ve seen, and my heart has warmed by those ever burning fires at times.

The more I know Him the more I know that I do not know Him.  The deeper my soul reaches out the more I am aware of the shallowness of it.  Part of me – a large part – so desires to be completely sold out to Him.  To be satisfied with Him and only Him as my portion as others have been.  But then my heart cries out to be nurtured and my arms long to be held and my resolve is shaken.  Romance often wins in a battle for my heart.  Deeply seated are those desires and all I can ever recall wanting.  True love. True love.  What is it I wonder.

The author of Love knows as He knows my weakness in this desire.  As does the enemy who tries to use it against me.  And the darkness threatens to engulf me with aloneness.  How strange that solitude is often my choice then, eh?

There are ties around me that are strong fetters keeping me near that darkness.  Tools that are used to lure me close, that would control me and bring me down.

It is exhausting to always be on the alert.  I sometimes forget and get sucked into that vortex in spite of all my efforts. 

So I am lonely, fat, and half crazy.  And reality has less solid edges now.

Behold my eyes are downcast and hope wanes as I struggle to find my footing again in You Lord.  This cannot be part of the plan can it?  Must I learn to rely on You alone.  Is this the great lessong my life is about?  Must I chose to lay aside all of me?  I know the answer is yes.  But You know how fearful I am.  My heart is Yours and my flesh and my mind continue to pull at me.  And the enemy continues to cast all doubt available and pressure me with the things of life and with people I should be able to trust.  But they are not trustworthy.

And so I am alone. 

And so You are all I have.

And so I am going to grow in spite of myself.

If I can get me out of my bed to participate.

My mom is manipulating and crazy. 

My brother is manipulating and angry. 

My other brother is depressed and stressed.  And I must be strong. 

And I must take control and then take the consequences of decisions that I do not want to make.

There is no time for me.

And I am alone again, still.