How is it that I am so smart and yet
I can’t keep myself from screwing everything up?
What is it about me that makes me –
drives me – to do the most stupid things?
Oh Lord how can I escape?
I see myself as if from a distance
wriggling under the stresses of life and trying to get out from under them.
I don’t like pain and I am in pain.
I very much don’t want to cause pain
and yet, I do. This makes me hate myself.
No amount of discussion or persuasion
will convince me not to. Sometimes it feels so hopeless that I cannot
control things. I cannot even control myself.
Part of the bipolar thing they
say. But is it? Is it really not my fault?
Is it something that God is trying
to teach me how to do?
Self control. Never had it,
don’t know it, can’t muster it up from within me.
So I spend half my time making a
mess of things and the rest of my time kicking myself for it.
Oh Lord, Oh my precious Jesus.
Please help me know. Where are the boundaries? What can I rest
in? how do I do this life thing?
Would that I could only know Christ
and Him crucified and resurrected.
Would that my heart was so stoic as
to not need love from anyone else but you.
How does one do that?
How can I walk here on this plane
alone?
I am in such pain Lord.
Please have mercy on me, I am such a
sinner and so full of the wickedness of this world.
Is there a way to purge me of
it? Is there a way to prevent myself from doing harm?
How can I manage this Lord?
I feel so alone.
I feel so alone.
There is no relief.
It is all for what?
Sow seeds into others so that they
can share this pain called love?
Do I want that responsibility?
Do I want the responsibility not to?
You are God. Not me.
Why Lord?
Please help me understand.
Please help me do no harm.
My heart is broken and I am
exhausted.
Sorrow fills me and the tears won’t
stop.
Oh Lord when can I come home?
This pain is too much to bear.
This loneliness is to hard.
And I don’t want to burden anyone
with me and my junk.
Too much regret and too many
mistakes that I can’t fix.
Too much pain to face.
I would rather die than be the
instrument of pain for someone else.
Oh God, my God, my Lord and my
Master. I pleade with You for help.
I look to You because there is no
one else that can help me.
My eyes are fixed on You my Father.
My heart has failed me but I trust
You Lord.
My face is filled with shame but You
are my Salvation.
I have nothing to give You God but I
look to You for my needs.
I am broken and spent but I want to
be Yours and used up for You.
Help me stay in Your presence.
Help me know You are here and that I
am not alone.
Help me love with Your heart Father.
Oh Lord help me to love in spite of
the pain.
Help me see past myself – to see
with Your eyes.
Help me be Your hands of mercy and
Your voice of encouragement
Grant me the gift of being able to
serve in Your courts.
Allow me to be Your maidservant.
I know what I am
I know where I’ve been
I know what I’ve done
I am sinful
I have been to that dark place
I have done the unspeakable
I have gone my own way
And yet You love me.
You
You who cast the evil one into
darkness
You who broke the bonds of hell and
the grave
You who gave up Your Chosen One in
sacrifice for me.
You who gave me breath and life and
being
All wonderful and all minute things
You have done
And I cannot measure even the least
of them
How can I understand Your love for
me
I cannot
But I believe
I believe only because You have said
it
Oh God, my God, my Saviour, My
Sovereign King
When I look to You all else fades
and Your Majesty shines in Glory
Help me to always keep my eyes on
You
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