I should have known it was not going
to be a good week yesterday when I had a big fight with my mom.
This morning the coffeepot broke
when I picked it up, the bottom just fell off and coffee went everywhere, all
over me and the kitchen. I got burned and of course I was naked.
I’m so mad and hurt at my mom.
She called me last nite to ask if
Amanda would be upset if she didn’t go to the wedding.
Then she said the shower would be
too long of a day to go to for Aaron’s baby.
But she is planning to drive to
Missouri for her church conference (not such a long day for that I guess)
I guess it’s too much to ask her to
be there for my kids. She was not there for me, why should I expect it to
be different for them. Can you imagine either of your moms not wanting to
go to Levi’s wedding? Or not wanting to participate with his first
child’s birth?
It really hurts me.
I’ve never known anyone so selfish
in my life.
And frankly right now I hate
her. I can’t wait until she is gone. That’s a terrible thing to say
or feel but it’s the truth.
She has never loved me or cared
about me and yet she expects me to love her and care for her and to take care
of her.
And whenever she is not getting
enough attention from me she tries anything she can think of to manipulate me
into doing what she wants, which is to pay attention to her and pet her.
It’s all I can do right now not to
slap her. I want to take her somewhere and show her what real life is
like. She’s been pampered and protected and babied until she has no idea
what life is like and she has no intention of being independent either.
She thinks I’m here to take care of her like my dad did. And no matter
how much I tell her that I can’t she does not and will not hear it. It’s
all about her and what she wants. She uses everything to get her
attention need filled, even the abuse of her childhood. Not once has she
ever said anything to me about her dad molesting me. No apology to me for not
being able to keep me safe. Nothing. Not once has she reached out
to me to see what I might need, ever, in my entire life. Not truly.
She asked me last nite if I want her money. She does not get it.
It was all I could do to keep from
telling her off and dumping all my anger and hurt onto her. She is
toxic. I can’t stand her. And I feel like I’m the one that is going
to pay for those feelings. I’m stuck and I can’t get away from her
either. I’ve made a commitment to her and to my dad and I can’t make
myself get out of it.
She has no idea how hard it has been
for me to be alone all these years. She has no sympathy or empathy for my
life and the price that I have paid for her not loving me. I never had a
mom and I never will. I get sucked in to thinking that I do and then blam
she hits me with her ‘needs’ and I have to make myself remember that she is who
she is and that she does not love me.
Having her call and try to get an
excuse not to go to Amanda’s wedding was the last straw. I cannot have
her hurting my kids. I’m not going to make any more excuses for
her. She will use anything she can to do whatever she wants. And
then it’ll be my fault that she will find a way to make it look like I’m the
bad guy. How can I be honorable with someone who only wants to suck
the life out of me? It’s like living with a cobra snake. And the
worst part is that nobody sees it but me. She charms people all the time,
plays her games, puts on her act and manipulates everyone the way she wants
them to think. It’s not just toxic it’s evil. It’s insidious and
noxious. I want to escape her and I’m stuck. I’m stuck. There
is no reasoning with her either. She has either talked herself into believing
her lies or she is not willing to face what she is.
And my heart just hurts because
there is NO ONE here for me.. I have to deal with this alone.
I have an emotional sucking leach
stuck to me and I cannot get rid of it.
And there is no transfusion coming
in to make up the difference.
And I fear to turn into some kind of
monster that does the same thing.
I hate her Tracy.
I hate her for her not loving
me.
I hate her for not protecting
me.
I hate her for not being a
mom.
I hate her for being so intelligent
and capable of such deep deceit.
I hate her because she has made me
hate her.
I hate her for hurting everyone I
love.
I hate her because I am stuck taking
care of her and she is using me up.
I hate her because I don’t want to
become her.
I hate that I have this hate in
me. I want to be free of it and there is no winning for me until she is
gone. There is no way to have any kind of normal relationship. I’ve
tried and been burned every time. I keep setting myself up and yup she
slaps me down every time. I get lulled into thinking that she has a heart
and then when I’m not watching she pulls out her knife and stabs me in the
heart, in the back, and cuts off my legs. I am bleading and mortally
wounded and she is happily playing games to get attention saying “oh poor me
now Jeanne is not able to take care of me, what ever shall I do. Who will
be here for me? Somebody pay attention to me, I’m the one hurting and
needy.”
I will not forgive her for this.
I will not forgive myself for this.
I should have known better than to
expect her to even act like she cares about anyone but herself.
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