04/11/07 BLINDED

I'm often blinded by my own sight

often deafened by the sound of my own thoughts

senseless from the feelings that run through me.

Sometimes a smile wakes me from myself

or a word spoken softly draws me from my revere

but often it is just me surrounded and engulfed within.

Just now someone tells me that I have made a difference in her life.

It astounds me.

I go about life wound up in the stuff that drives my actions and often my moods

without a thought or plan or steering through this jungle.

I wonder at her comment and take a moment to reflect.

Apparently my life is not simply lived without much impact

on others outside of my circle of responsibility.

God is here; of this I am certain, solid, unquestioningly.

I on the other hand am frequently not tuned in.

I've tried to be real with everyone I meet

not wanting to add the torture of mind games to anyone

and it amazes me when people still don't get me

but I guess they are blinded by their eyes also.

How through this life quest then do I navigate?

Most of the time I can't even get other people, much less God.

Yet somehow once in a while though

I see truth, I speak truth, I hear and feel truth.

I know He is.  I get Him.

I allow Him to be inside of me and I yield.

My faith is questioned and doubted by others

but I am solid in it

long after the feelings fade and the thoughts are quieted

and my eyes are dimmed

I simply know

Why can't I just walk in this?

Busy busy busy I go through life often in a whirlwind

trying to avoid questions

not knowing answers or not wanting to know them.

It's exhausting.

Sometimes though Lord You use me

You speak through me and give light in the darkness of confused minds

You sing through me and move the earth with the depth of Your joy and mercy

You love through me and Your peace and comfort are poured out and thirstily received.

I live for these moments.

But I often run from You Lord,

chasing my own desires ignoring Your quiet pleading

to nurture and heal and mend and minister to Your people.

What is it in me that I can not live yielded to You?

It would be so lonely here without You Lord.

Please help me to be all and only Yours.