There is another wave. I'm riding it.
I can't be satisfied with
the success I've had this far. I've got
a long way to go still.
I was finding myself there,
settling in where I am - glad of the victory but becoming unwilling to press
on.
In my 'dabbling' I get drawn
away in minute tiny increments but drawn away none the less.
It is like the my image is reflecting
my spiritual temperature. I look and see
myself still grossly obese and unfit. I
see that my flesh still has control and must be conquered over and over again
to allow my spirit to rule. It screams
to me in a tantrum of rage that tells me that I am still not submitted fully to
God. It sits in wait for a moment of
weakness and whispers seductively to me, or sneaks in when I am not looking and
gains control because I was distracted with other things. Much as I hate to admit it, I have not fed my
spirit enough to let it have the strength to control my flesh. My weakness is so obvious and my sin so clear
and visible. No wonder that I can not
hear God when all I listen to is my own desires within. Comfort has become my god. Gluttony and laziness my practice.
I do not lack the courage or
the will or the desire, so what is it that I lack? Perhaps my will is the problem, too strong
and un-yielded?
Can I walk down this road,
truly forsaking ALL? Including my own
cravings? My own lust? My own desires?
The decision was easy when
it suited my desire to feel beautiful and loved, but can I continue even if
that is not the goal?
I'm so shallow and self
centered, following only what I deem is suitable for my own purpose.
Carey how do I get to the place
where I am yielded to God's purpose and not my own?
There is much work still to
do and I truly want to become what God intended me to be.
I had lost sight of His
intentions and purpose for me. I have
been busy chasing after that satisfaction my flesh desires.
So now I bend my will to
God. I refuse to give in to my flesh,
again and again as many times as it takes.
Well I don't really want to
turn you into my confessor. It's just
that there are so few that I feel really understands.....
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