07-31-09 I have never been closer to God in my life than I am now

I have never been closer to God in my life than I am now. 

I have never been so alone in my life than now.

I didn't know it until He drew me closer to Him that I was yet far away.  But now my life has become something that revolves around Him and our relationship. 

It is awesome wonderful this nearness with Christ. 

It is also terribly frightful. 

It is also lonely in a different way than I have known in the past. 

I had sought to be loved and paid a high price to obtain it only to be disappointed that it was not what I had thought it would be.   This was my life, but then Christ pulled back a veil and I saw that His love was my heart's desire and that He was the reason for that desire.  So I took His hand and began the journey with Him that will eventually bring me to that marriage supper covenant union with the King.

That was many years ago now.  The journey has been quite something.  But along the way for so long I did not attend to Him or His desires.  I spent my time as my time.  I acted out the things that I thought and was taught would please Him.  I loved those He wanted me to love, truly.  I worked as His servant would - at least as far as I was able to figure out.  I read about Him and sat under teachings about Him and learned about Him.  Years and years had gone by and our relationship didn't change.  I didn't know it could, or should.  And yet I was not satisfied with my life because I knew that there must be more to this relationship, but I didn't know what was missing or why.

My heart was His in as much as I was able to give it to Him back then.  Thinking about it I realize that I withheld what I was afraid to give up, both my dreams and my fears.  I freely gave Him what I could at the time He made me His own.  But that was a million years and lives ago.  I am not that same person.  I retain who that girl was but she is dead.  Life swallowed her up.  It's necessities claimed every part of me and I was unaware that there could be more.  I lost hope and I buried those dreams and tried to kill my fears.  Everything about my life was a disappointment. My energy constantly drained by responsibilities and cares of this world caused me to collapse and retreat at any opportunity.  Circumstances are irrelevant at this point, because mine is not a unique story, my life that is.

What matters is that He took me and remade me from the inside out.  What was broken was mended and made new.  It has been and continues to be a process.  Living in an 'instant' world makes me like everyone else impatient to have the finished product without putting in the time and effort necessary for the process.  So I am impatient often.  But hindsight is good because I can see His hand all through the years days and moments of my life. 

So now I have entered into a new phase of this transformation.  This becoming like Him.  I don't know how I got here, other than His working in me.  So - sorry - there's no formula.  But one thing I know of what I have been taught is true, that the law of reaping and sowing is true.  What you put into yourself is what comes out.  What you feed on is what you become.  And those who you embrace intimately influence you greatly.

So though my need for constant input from God was seen on my part as more of a hedge of protection from those old demons of depression and oppression, it was more like tube feeding, slow steady input into my spirit.

I have long understood that music and the spoken word are somehow driven into ones spirit bypassing the brain almost altogether so that it's like listening to a language tape while sleeping - suddenly you wake up speaking Swahili without ever taking a lesson.  Something about our makeup physically and spiritually allows for the hearing to sink in deeper than just putting things in our minds.  Anyway I purposed because of those demons and that oppression to have God pumped into my house, my bedroom at night, all throughout the day 24/7 from the radio.  I began with just music but then 'graduated' to teachings that were more meaty.  I cannot go to sleep now without my radio on.  This has kept me sane.  It has kept the depression at bay for many years.  It has been life to me.  Still it was dry and impersonal most of the time. 

Church has been an enigmatic institution that was at once food and poison for me.  That may sound harsh for some and I am sorry for it.  But food without wine is crusty and dry at best and when it is served to a hall of individuals that decline to fellowship in spirit it is poison.  Because of the lack of true love for the Truth there was a lack of true love for the company.  I was always an outsider no matter where I went.  Thinking that it was my own fault I threw myself into everything I could muster the strength for to give myself to His service.  Much of the sacrifice of myself seemed to fall into a swamp of alligators uninterested in the taste of my offerings.  So being welcomed and loved by only a few was enough for only so long. 

Being a soldier is an acceptable and desirable occupation for the Lord when there are fellow soldiers to fight alongside.  But when one finds their self standing bloodied on the battle field with only a handful of others that are like wounded; one wonders if the army has retreated and left us to die in the fray of the battle.  So I felt -wherever I was.  Embraced by just a few and only nominally accepted by the rest.  Where was the love so advertised in the Book of Life?  I did not know.  I have been disappointed and lonely for many years.  And always I thought it to be my own fault so adding to the wounds I poured salt on myself with my conclusions.  And perhaps much lies on my shoulders for not making it different.  I can't really know right now.  Because I frequently heap coals of condemnation upon my own head I often become so weighted down with it that I can not find truth.  However what was it that Paul said, something about when you give the gift of Christ in yourself and it is not received that you shake the dust from your sandals and move on.  I am of course paraphrasing and personalizing that notion.  But another notion is that God has led me here and there to glean what He had for me at the time and learn and grow at just the right pace and place.  I like that better.  Still there is a bit of a feeling that what I have given of myself has been refused and therefore wasted.  What do You think Lord?  Have I cast my pearls before swine?  Or have You been in control all along and this too part of the renewing You are bringing about in me?  Being alone sometimes skews one's perception.  One day I will see if seeds that were sown bring a harvest.

But in the mean time Jesus was never gone.  He did not leave me and He has kept His promise to sustain me.  Even more, He for some unknown reason decided that I would be given the supreme honour of being healed and allowed to have sight and to feel His heart.  I still can't understand why me.  But I am forever thankful.  Perhaps the deep desire for love and the overwhelming feelings of loneliness throughout my life lent my heart to being a better receptacle for His love.  It could be that - had I not this great gulf within me - that I would not have been prepared to take hold of the ultimate prize and would have settled in the mean time for only jackpot circus prizes worth very little if anything at all.  No Lord, I do not desire less than the great Love that is You.  Now knowing it I cannot be satisfied with only living life here without You even if I had the greatest earthly love known to man.  I have always been very picky, and now having had a taste of Your Love I will never settle for less.

I have added to the mix of what is constantly heard in my house the music of worship and adoration of Christ.  There is a lot of beautiful intimate love and connection music that has been greatly instrumental in drawing me closer to His heart.  I feel His presence when I listen to this music.  I also find myself wanting to talk only about Him and His love.  I have one friend that He has given me, a Jonathan, a soul mate, that shares with me and that I can share my heart with.  We both are on this journey together discovering Him and His nature, holding each other up and sharing what He has given us.  What a gift!  She has been sanity for me and grounding when everything else around me has vanished in the tumult and upheaval of life.  I am so thankful for her.  I am so thankful for the music that feeds my soul and draws me closer to Him.  I am thankful for the people who He has placed in my life living out His love.  We are one in Him truly and together bath in His love.

The loss of family and friends who were constants in my life, though as human and sinful as the rest of the world, has been devastating to me.  I write because it helps me clarify what is unsettled in my heart and mind and spirit. 

There is a churning uneasiness within me that I cannot put my finger on.  It feels like the sadness that overcomes one after leaving a cherished someone knowing that there will be great distance and time between them before being reunited.  Love remains and friendship continues but fellowship is put on hold.  I am not writing about the sadness that I feel from losing my dad.  He was a support for me but not my source.  Nor the sadness of losing my little Gracie - I know that there is a reason for them being called dogs - it is god spelled backwards - such is their capacity for love. 

Moving on in life is painful for one thing because change brings new challenges and I am so lazy and fearful often that I don't want to go there.  Moving on also means leaving behind what is familiar and has been part of me.  So I reveal my very human nature here.  I want to go eat sweats and watch TV or play games on my computer and hide in my cave. 

But Love calls to me and I MUST answer Him.  I am compelled to go where He leads me regardless of the situation.  His love is so great that it encompasses all of me and everything else must be filtered through it.  So I embrace the painful challenges and pick up my sword to continue in His service with a bag of soothing balm for healing carried on my back.  It is full and can be given out liberally to those in need because the balm is born of the pain and suffering that I have had in my life. 

Also there is this: Love sometimes calls me to be still and wait on Him.  He calls me to know that He is regardless of my feelings or senses, always here, always in control, always taking care of me, always trustworthy.  So though being still can be worse than moving on, in this too I MUST answer Him and bow my head in supplication and obedience to His will.  I know that He loves me and that it is always for my best.  But more than that I bow because of who He is and what He deserves is so much more than I could ever give Him. 

Restlessness is a stabbing quagmire of darkness and fog.  I don't know if I should jump and bellow, or stay quiet and still stealth, or somewhere in between.  It is so hard to just live my life ordinarily now because I know His purpose and I chomp at the bit to get on with it.  But He knows the timing and He is able to take care of it all.