Well hello
my friend.
I am
wondering how you are doing.
My
progress is astounding. Everything inside is changing my outside!
I had a
wonderful long talk with your mom on Sunday.
She is so
precious!
I just
wanted to tell you that I intend to be a 'visiting nurse' for her after her
surgery.
I plan to
stop by after work every day to check on her.
She said you were torn up about not being able to be there for her so I
just wanted to help out some.
Psalm
24:14 scripture for today:
Wait for
the LORD: be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!
So It is
crazy how my life has been. I was
looking at some old photographs of when I was in my 20's. I can't believe how I looked. What's more is that I can't believe how I
felt about myself when I looked like that.
Isn't it strange.
I have
lived under the shadow of abuse and low self esteem all of my life and even
though there was that element of knowing how much God had given me I was only
able to walk in a very marginal way as who He intended me to be.
It amazes
me and thrills me that He has healed my heart so that I am able not only to see
what He intended but to begin to walk in it fully.
I have
been led by emotional bondage forever.
Now I have been set free.
How do I
know this? Because I understand now
where the foundation is for my life.
It is not
in how someone else sees me.
It is not
in being loved by someone else.
It is not
in my accomplishments.
It is not
in my own strength.
It is in
how Jesus sees me.
It is in
being loved by the King.
It is in
His accomplishments for me.
It is in
His strength.
So the
subtle shift of the universe has rocked my world.
Interestingly
nothing has changed but my perspective.
Our lesson
this week was on the beatitudes.
I was bad
and had not read the homework but on the way to church Sunday I realized that
meekness is power under control.
Jesus the
master of the universe and beyond came to live with us and love us and show us
the way.
He is
Power restrained by love. How can I
fathom the amount of love it took for Him to do what He did and not call upon
His awesome power.
I think I
have worshiped love all of my life. I
have certainly sought it all of my life.
Even the
distortion of my perception of love was more than I had hoped for.
I have
always used whatever I could to get that love.
I guess you could say that I prostituted myself for it. I craved it more than the air needed to
sustain my life. Deep down I did not
feel worthy of anyone's love and so I set about to create someone loveable of myself. I perverted the person that I was supposed to
be and became who I thought I should be in order to be loved.
I have
never actually admitted that even to myself before. But now it is so clear to me. Even becoming a Christian was part of
that. I just sit here and shake my head
somewhat in shock............................
Anyway: The love that Jesus offered to me has broken
through and finally now I understand. It
is something that has been put into words before and even words that I have
spoken but the meaning has never before been so clear and deep.
Jesus is
the King of romance.
Jesus is
power subdued by love for me.
Sometimes
I am so silly and so dumb I can't stand it.
My mind
races over words spoken and deeds done in my life to see what harm I have
caused.
How I long
for a 'do-over' of my life, only if I could have known this.
Wow to me
and my unclean heart and mouth.
But:
How sweet
the taste of life nourishing love that forgiveness is.
How hard
to look back through time and recall the destruction that occurred at my
hand.
How
amazing the tender caress of the whispered voice of my Jesus telling me that He
will take the blame and make it right.
How my
heart melts in wonder of the love it requires to do such a thing.
What joy
to imagine hope for a clean heart and a new chance of life.
Is there
anything more powerful than this love?
No.
Oh Carey,
may our hearts never be led away again by the temptation of a love that is not
from Him.
I do
desire to have a man to love, someone to put my arms around, to kiss and share
myself with, but I do not know how to love.
I have
only known selfish love that reaches out to have my own desires met.
I do not
know how to be in a relationship. I
have only known relationships of manipulation domination and struggle.
I have no
idea how to belong to God and also give myself to another person at the same
time. I have only known self.
It
terrifies me.
Not
because of being hurt by a person anymore, but because I do not want any other
love to draw me away from my Jesus.
I know
that it is possible to belong to God and have a mate and give fully to
them. I just don't trust myself to be
able to do it.
I crave
love so much that I had hidden for all these years behind my fat and behind my
kids and behind a mask of Christianity and behind my work.
Now I have
come out from behind all of that and I am blown away by this freedom.
I do not
know if I can handle it but obviously God believes in me or it would not have
happened - right?
This is
power that I have never known before.
This is
awareness of truth and position and strength that takes maturity to wield.
This is no
manipulation or smoke and mirrors performance.
This is
dynamite and I am the fuse.
Wow the
responsibility!
I am terrified.
My only
choice is to be as close to Jesus as I can be.
I tremble
and shake my head in awe, to be trusted with this.
My friend,
I am undone.
All that I
am and ever was, the very fiber of my being has sought for this love.
Now found
I am at a loss as to where next to go in this journey.
Blessings
Jeanne
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