There isn't one sin that I have not committed, and I've not
lived without blemish. I have been
serving myself most of my life. Even in
acts of love towards others there it has usually been with selfish motives
though not calculated. I have served others
out of a desire to be loved. I have
walked in pride and I've run far away from God.
I've tried to hide from God. I've
allowed my flesh to rule me. But I
belong to Him and though my life has been wrought with the consequences of my
sins I have also been given much more grace than I deserve.
Most of the time I do not feel loved. Most of the time I do not want to, I fear it,
because I want love so much.
I have worshiped love and made it my idol. At times it was God's love, but mostly it was
just my own desire, my want, and my need that I was trying to satiate.
God has given me gifts, huge gifts, talent, intelect, a
great capacity for love and for understanding.
He has given me discernment and wisdom and He has used me to prophesy
and to lay hands on people who He has healed.
He has given me the ability to encourage and to love others far beyond
my human ability to love. He has made me
both bold and fearless and I have walked in His power and felt His touch so
strongly in my life. I have not been faithful,
not obedient, not patient, not kind. I
have squandered those gifts, ignored them, misused them, or abused them for my
own selfishness. I have had everything
given to me and I have walked in pride.
It is difficult to stand in the front, to be in the spotlight,
because the temptation is so great for me to become filled with that
pride. What I want people to know is
that I do not desire being in the limelight.
I run and I run from God's call on my life because of fear, fear of
failure, fear of being prideful, fear of blemishing the name of my God. Yet He has placed in me the desire to sing
and to worship and to open my heart and allow others to see me as I truly
am. It is so frightening that I get tied
up in knots over the potential of failure.
But the biggest fear is the potential that I will be a failure: that I
will not fulfill my calling - to bring those around me closer to God.
I have given myself to Him a million times and taken myself
back as many.
I do not want to be seen or heard, even as my ego wants the
accolades and praises of others. So I
guess it is out of fear more than anything else, that I want to praise,
worship, and sing to Him the best that I can, but in the shadows.
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