3/13/09 The calling.

I am so unsure of God's voice , well of my ability to hear His voice correctly in things that involve myself.  I've been able to hear it or function in it for others, but not for me.  Stubborn thing, aren't I?  So Marc put it out there and I've been thinking and mulling it over ever since.  Yesterday was so huge, I can't even explain how liberating it was and how much joy to know that connection again with my Lord.  I knew some house cleaning was in order, both physically and mentally, and functionally.  I'm taking stock still, evaluating and trying to make sure that this is not my emotions running me around as usual.  But I turned off and actually deleted my TV shows last night.  They held no interest to me for the first time in a really long time.  I know that I need to start listening for His voice and really paying attention, stop being busy and really worship.

It's like there was a switch flipped. 

I'm looking around my house and seeing how much work I need to do to get it cleaned up, ready to move.

Undaunted.

I'm so unhappy about the move to the new buildings at work and restless with my job, thankful to have it, but really uninterested in it any longer.

Discontent here.

I'm actually thinking about taking that step.

Cautious.

I listened to "At The Cross" all night last night, while I slept.  It is so soothing, like a balm and calling me, calling me.  I am experiencing so much joy right now, it's indescribable.

Excited.

Today was just like yesterday in that everything has been speaking to me.  All of my mental objections have started to be answered, and one by one eliminated:

Leading the way, Revive Our Hearts, Living in the Edge, Truth for Life, and now Midday Connection are all kicking my butt again today.  Ok, ok, ok Lord.  I get it.  I surrender.  Just please tell me what I am supposed to do! 

Michael Youssef - step up to God's call

Nancy Lee DeMoss - stop living in fear

Chip Ingram - find out what your calling is and just do it.  That whole landing the job of your dreams was not something that I wanted or cared to listen to but when it began to speak to the calling of God it got me.

Dennis Rainey - by Mrs ? pastor - let go of your grown children - to God.  Your job as their mom has changed.

Alistair Begg - don't wait until it's too late for you to do what God has called you to do.

Anita and Melinda - it is sin not to do what God called you to do.  Sins of omission. Business and distractions that keep us from having time to hear the Holy Spirit.  Learning this is freeing because it tells me that I get to hear Jesus' Words for me, sit at His feet, and not worry about how others see me, expectations of me, etc.  but it also convicts me that my time is spent being busy feeding my flesh and emotions instead of sitting at His feet, so I must divorce those trivial time consuming things that are not eternal (tv, computer, etc.)

I need to sit in silence and listen to God.

My ministry.  This is what I know.

• I love music, feel more connected to and used in that venue.  But I have a lot that I do not know, a lot that I have wasted and I do not know if that can be made up.
• I love people, feel more needed loving and caring for them usually on a one to one basis, but I am not opposed to teaching, leading in other ways.  I just don't know what that might be. 
• I do feel that it will involve healing, encouraging, exhorting, in a large way.  I have some fear but it is not like fear of public speaking or whatever.  It's more like fear of letting God down in the way that I serve Him.
• It is not a missions type service, it has to do with the body.  Ministering to His people.  I have a heart for the lost and I have a very special place for Hispanic peoples, but I have no desire to build new churches or for witnessing in a formal fashion, like an Evangelist.
• I know that it is a high calling.  What I mean by that is that it comes with extraordinary responsibility.  That it is not a behind the scenes type calling, with something like helps, but a very visible thing.  It is something that I could really mess up if I were not in the center of God's will, and timing.
• It will require me to look and act a lot better than I do now.  I will need to be a visible example of submission and obedience to His precepts, which includes self control - which I have not walked in.

What then would I need to have in order to be able to really go there?

Foremost is an absolute confirmation in my spirit that this is God and not me.

My parents are taken care of, however that needs to be done.

My children taken care of, to know that I am free to really let go of them.

That there would be a 'Head' that I would have over me, someone that I can submit to and rely on for pastoring and perhaps mentoring.

My house, my finances, my appearance, my spirit all in order.

My calling confirmed and very clear.

So far how is this for confirmation?

1, Marc with his admonition to obey, obey, obey.

2, Tracy with her acknowledgement that there was something for me and that she knew that she would not have me like this always.

3, Amanda called and I told her a little about what God is doing right now and that I think that I am supposed to move back to CA.  She is talking about what God is doing in her life and how her and Denny are learning more about God and what He has for them.  She said she thought that was right for me to go and that I need to take my mom with me because my dad is not going to last a lot longer.  Wow where did she get so much wisdom and insight?  So well, that was one of the things that I needed to be able to let go of her, knowing that she was back with God and that her life would be ok without me here.  She said that this is the perfect time to move, with the market being so low out there and it is pretty stable here so I could get a lot more for my money if I sold my house and bought out there right now. 

4, I have already started to let go of everything here emotionally.

So here's the deal. 

I need to spend as much time with the Lord as I can.  Worship, worship, worship, and then be quiet and listen.

I need to start cleaning out my house.  Room by room, little by little, strip away everything that isn't needed.

I need to continue to exercise and work on my appearance and my health.

I need to work on my music, seriously work on it.  Guitar?  Piano? Voice? Or all of the above?

I need to get serious with God.