2-23-09 MY STORY

Born in the 50's I grew up in LA - in a world of fast living and swiftly corrupted morals.  I was raised in a conservative family that did not communicate, did not know Truth and only knew the prison of restraint for the sake of control, just because one must obey the rules.  Then the 60's and the wild breaking away from 'the man' - the prison of abandon for the sake of freedom, to resist or break any rules.  Then the 70's where one was seeking one's self, disillusioned with both control and freedom.  All this shaped my psyche along with other events that included abuse, abandonment, fear, and hidden agenda's within my family.  So I was a child of shame, of rebellion, of control and rules, and of the 'plastic people'.

My greatest desire was to be loved. 

From my earliest memories that is what has been in my heart.  As a small child I can recall being joyful and free with my love.  But I also felt shame and fear because I knew even then that I was willing to do or be anything that would gain my hearts desire, to be loved.  I think perhaps that I was aware of God back then but that He was distant and foggy.  Yet I had joy.  I don't know why.

I had a pedophile for a grandfather.  I didn't know it at the time of course.  I think probably around age 3 or so he decided that I would be his play thing.  I was not enthusiastic about that, but finding myself 'grandpa's favorite' was a wonderful thing.  I remember making a conscious choice to allow his attentions in order to feel special, have gifts given to me, attention given to me, and it seemed a small price to pay at the time.  Fortunately he lived far away in Missouri so those incidents were infrequent since we only visited once a year.  Yet it went on for many years it seemed.  When my grandpa died I was not sad.  I was in school and I remember the phone call and my mom saying "no the kids were not close to him" in response to what I assumed was a question about us attending whatever ceremony was to occur.

The effect of this relationship was for me to feel shame, yet powerful.  I knew even at such a young age that this was what men wanted and that it was a way for me to get attention and ? what ? I didn't have any clear thoughts about this, but thinking back I had the impression that I could be loved in this way.

I never remember pursuing it in that way though. 

I remained innocent in a lot of ways even though I had been molested as a very young girl.  I was still uneducated about sexual matters and I did not know about those things until I was 17.  I had not chosen to become sexually active until then.  That was a strange thing for southern Californian in those days.  So much so that even my friends in high school were protective of me and did not share their exploits with me.  I found out years later that my best friend had had an abortion when we were in high school and I never knew about it. 

'Like the woman at the well I was seeking for things that could not satisfy'. 

Now this is all a kind of paradox given the sexual history that I had.  I have no idea why I was not miss Lucy-Goosy during my early teen years except that my family was so strict and that I was very involved in our church.   Not that it was Truth, our church - but it was friendship and comradary and a place to belong. 

About belonging, none of us ever felt like we belonged.  We didn't talk about it but looking back I know how lost all of us felt.

Those early high school years were very important in my life.  It was very confusing to be living in the middle of the sexually free and the religiously bound people in my life.  Both seemed to be seeking Truth and neither was finding the answers.  Eventually I figured out that Church was not the answer for me.  I had lived the religious life and so finally at 17 I decided to try the 'free love' life. 

Or could it have been that I was tired of the controlling fake life at home where I never felt loved and always felt like I could not ever measure up.  That was a developing theme in my life, not being good enough.  At any rate, I remember wanting to be free and so I had sex with the church youth leader's son.  It was terrible!  It was painful and I did not like it at all.  So even though Michael asked me to marry him my parents said no and after our escapade with sex (two sessions) I broke it off with him.

By the age of 22 I had been proposed to three times, had been engaged but broken it off because of the 'word of knowledge' of one of the elders in the church that I was to be with Steve.  I had a crush on him in my early teens so there was a question in my mind about him.   It was not Truth.  He was not "the one".

So between relationships I spent my late teens and early 20's with many many sexual partners.  I was not careful about it and not as discriminating as any one else was not either.  We had adopted the 'free love' sexual revolution ideas from our revolting brothers and sisters of the 60's.  The 70's were spent in blind aimless pleasure seeking.  I could have done with some lessons from Ecclesiastes.  But the Bible was not a book that was used in my church, nor was it one readily available for study at home even if I had had the desire to do so. 

I spent several years this way all the while deep down knowing that it too was futile, that it would not lead me to my heart's desire for True Love.

ALISTER BEGG

WE ARE MADE FOR A PURPOSE, TO KNOW GOD - AND NOTHING WILL SATISFY US UNTIL WE DO.

THE SECRET MESSAGE HERE IS THAT IF WE KNOW GOD THEN THAT DESIRE WILL BE SATISFIED.

WHY DO WE FEEL THIS WAY?  BECAUSE WE ARE A FUGITIVE TO OUR DESTINY.

I'M A NOWHERE MAN, LIVIN IN A NOWHERE LAND, MAKING ALL MY PLANS TO GO NOWHERE.

SO WHY THEN IN THE MIDST OF LIFE ARE WE ONCE KNOWING HIM LEFT HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF LIFE WITH ALL THE STUFF?

BECAUSE HE WHO HAS BEGUN A GOOD WORK IN US WILL COMPLETE IT WITHIN US.

GOD HAS NO ABANDONED PROJECTS, NO FORSAKEN KIDS, NO DESERTED CHILDREN.

SO LIFE DOES NOT CHANGE, BUT PERSPECTIVE CHANGES.  THERE IT IS.

THEN GOD SAYS "I'VE GOT YOU, I'VE GOT YOU.  I MAKE ALL THINGS BEAUTIFUL IN MY TIME, I'VE GOT YOU"