This
past week I came to the end of myself.
The
circumstances and details are inconsequential.
Suffice
it to say that I was in trouble.
I
was at the point where I almost had nothing left to cry out for help.
Almost
– but did I really even have that much left?
I don’t know.
Doubtful.
All
my life I’ve been strong. I never liked
it.
It’s
good that I am – it has been needful, strength.
But
my heart has always longed for the rest of being taken care of by another.
It
longs to know that I do not have to carry it all myself, alone.
It
longs to be able to lean on someone and know that they will not bend.
God,
are You still there?
To
find the end of my strength and my will has meant pushing boundaries to the
limit.
Coming
to the edge of the cliff, toes hanging over, unstable soil, strong wind
blowing, limit:
where
I know that I have absolutely nothing left within myself to change things, or
to fix it.
And
it seems that that is the only place for me to realize that whatever happens is
not of my own doing.
Teetering
there at the crossroads, nothing left in me to hold on with, God showed
up. Again.
Not
that I was alone on the way there. I
wasn’t.
It
felt alone. But I was not. He is true to His word. He never leaves or forsakes.
But
the knowing of that fact – for me – comes only when I’ve spent all of my own
resources and have nothing left.
Up
until that point it is a theological faith that is somewhere between hope and
fantasy. Unproven. Only theoretical.
Sometimes
one can look back over the years of their life and see that they have been here
as well.
Often
as I think about those times when He stepped in to save me I find that I’m not
convinced.
It
seems that I talk myself into thinking that I’d somehow held something back,
and that really it was just me in the end who figured it out.
In
that way I’ve kept some of the credit for myself, believing that I’d have
figured it out as I always had; in my own strength.
What
folly.
Strength
is a blessing and a curse. Deceitful
thinking is what it has produced in me.
Making
me aware at this point, that I have robbed my Lord of glory rightfully His.
And
yet I know it was needful, as I said, strength.
I
have had to trek through the muddy quagmire of life on my own for the most
part.
I’ve
been tossed about by situations and have simply been reactive as a result.
I
often wonder how someone could be so deluded as to think that they are truly
capable of directing life on their own.
Of
course the choices we make determine the outcome of most situations.
But
thinking globally there is no such thing as control.
Anyway
yes. God stepped in to save me from
myself – again.
I
don’t know if it was in the ‘nick of time’ as they say, but it was absolutely
timely.
And
the thing I realize this day is that it was needful for me to get to the end of
myself in order to truly recognize that it was Him and nothing else that came
to save me.
So
I am really getting it, the whole ‘in my weakness He is strong’ thing.
That
has multifaceted applications obviously, but in the purest sense, my weakness –
knowing I had nothing else left – afforded me the opportunity to see my Father
in a way I had not seen Him before.
Or
at least had not acknowledged Him honestly up until now.
I
pray that this is not a lesson that I must repeat again and again in order for
it to be cemented in me.
I’m
yielded to His will to submit to it if I need to though.
Can’t
say I would run headlong into any situation to prove it – not on purpose
anyway.
Laughing.
Some people like to live there where it’s dangerous. Push the limits.
I
can understand that now. It’s not really
for the thrill is it. It’s the testing.
It’s
asking the question, ‘will someone save me’, ‘am I really loved’, ‘do I
matter’.
These
are questions we all need answered. We
long to have them answered.
And
right now I cannot grasp the enormity of the knowledge that the answer is ‘yes’
to all of the above.
Proven
or not, that’s the answer. Felt or
not. Understood or not. Believed or not.
The
heart of God is love that defies our capacity to fathom.
Nothing
in any of our experiences can paint that picture.
Yet
He reaches out to show us – draw us – demonstrate to us, just that.
And
I put words to paper (albeit virtually) that are in the end meaningless.
An
attempt to mark another place in time where I can document and remember His
hand at work.
Poor
representation it is, but still a precious tidbit to be stored away in the ever
growing stockpile of notes about who He is.
That’s
a totally un-fillable thing, a bottomless bucket, which blows my mind
sometimes. And rightfully so.
Oh
God, my God. Worthy is Your Name, above
all names, to be praised.
I
humbly offer my heart of thanksgiving to You.
And
I do not even deserve the right to do so, but for Your forever compassion.
The
calmness in my spirit testifies to Your grace and mercy.
I
know what I am.
I
know what I deserve.
And
I’m on my face before You unable to look at Your beauty and majesty.
Because
You are.
Beyond
the furthest stretch of my imagination Your love overshadows all that I know or
could ever dream up.
And
I wonder if I too could be used as the answer to someone’s prayer?
But
to even think of trying to somehow give back or repay You with something of
worth is ludicrous and even crude.
I
sit here calmly amazed.
Wondering
where You will take me next.
But
mostly just in awe.
I
don’t like being at the end of myself when I cannot see the other side.
I
like security.
So
I want to soak this all in and let it become part of my eternal knowing.
I’m
trying to learn how to relate to Someone unfathomable.
It’s
difficult.
No,
it’s impossible.
Yet
I know it is what You want of me.
I’m
trying, but this too – I know – is only by You and not me or any of my doing.
In
the middle of my deepest need You show up in ways that I can’t even describe.
And
in the end I disappear into You.
Willingly
so.
What
else could possibly matter?
Thank
You Father, Lord, Spirit.
I
whisper thanks to You.
I
am so grateful.
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