So
here is sit face to face with the realization of my sin.
Somehow
I just realized that the sin as I have thought of it in the past was the things
I was or was not doing right. And even
though I know that sin boils down to the rebellion of the heart of mankind
against God’s rule in their/our lives.
All of us have turned our own way.
And it matters not what form it takes, whether rebellion or religious
self-righteousness it’s the same sin.
One is a mask the other is a flight.
Both are separation from the One who loves us. I don’t know how it got twisted into the
conclusion that actions or inactions were the sin. It is not.
It is the heart. It is one’s
refusal to bow to God as sovereign. And
how funny and silly we are to try to cover it up with our masks and our
excuses, or by running from it.
So
here I sit face to face with the realization of my sin.
Here
I see with perhaps more clarity than ever before that my sin of refusal to have
God as God in my life is what produced these sins as we think of them now. And the fact that each individual act of sin
is only a drop in the bucket of my ‘sin’ of not submitting to His will. I can never catch it. I’ve asked Jesus to be my Lord, yet I have
not allowed Him to be. I believe in the
salvation of His sacrifice for me. I
have prayed that prayer and believed that He is God’s only begotten son who
died to set me free. I am a “Christian”
according to the commonly held understanding of the evangelical church
today. But have I given over the heart
that He has asked for? Am I truly
submitted to His will? I think not. At least not for the most part. And I wonder about how I have been lulled
into believing that living as a “Christian” today could mean taking His name
but not truly submitting my will to His.
And how subtly that the idea of total submission has been and is being
erased from the redemptive process in my mind.
So
today I sit here face to face with the realization of my sin.
Sin
singular = self rather than God in charge of my life. And I know that I’ve given to Him all of me
in the past that I could. But that it is
not simply a one time proposition. It
requires a constant release of control to His will and a conscious aiming of my
mind and heart and will bent towards His.
I am at a loss as to how I have been swept away from that ideal. It is the Gospel, that good news, which is
that my penalty has been paid. Not for
actions – though there are so many wrongs I’ve done – but for the condition of
my heart. It’s for the separation I have
chosen to live away from the Father’s love.
I have in many large and small ways chosen to live as I have seen fit
rather than how He requires.
So
here I sit face to face with the realization of my sin.
I
have not moved away from God. I have
rather – not moved towards Him. I have
not given up my self to Him. I have held
back both my joys and my sorrows, my ideas and my dreams. I have thought to have it His way and my way
both. I have tried to manipulate myself
and Him in an attempt to make myself seem right. I have not submitted my will to His. I have tried, I have desired to do so and
have made the effort, but have always held back a portion for my own use, my
own will. And though I have sinned and
repented for those sins, it seems that my ‘sin’ is ever before me and requires
dealing with constantly. A paradox it
seems, but not really. For in His great
love for me He has both offered redemption and freedom for my choosing. And His offer is not an offer of one time
only, it is also a constant offer that must be chosen nanosecond by nanosecond
either for my own will or His. And
suddenly clarity comes to me that His presence is not withheld with my choices
or lack thereof. He stands ever-present
with the offer before me arms open to receive me in His love. He waits patiently, a life long of waiting
there within reach, for every opportunity of my choosing Him over myself. And with every wrong choice I have made
though in my mind it has pushed Him further from me, I see that He stands even
still right there before me. Fellowship
with Him only a breath away.
So
here I sit face to face with the realization of my sin, and I whisper to Him
for help.
I
reach out to those loving arms and ask again to be gathered back to Him,
knowing that my next breath may be yet again one of rebellion and/or
self-righteousness. But what other
choice do I have? I know, ALL I know, is
that the only redemption – the only freedom – the only love, that can heal my
broken heart and soul is found in Him in obedience and submission to His
will. And as I face this realization of
my sin and reach out to Him again asking forgiveness I know that He opens His
arms to me with greater love than I could ever fathom welcoming me to Himself
for as long as my will is able to submit to His. He does not move, is not going to move, and
will always welcome me because He is my loving Father and I belong to His Son.
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