When you look at me what do you see?
You may think you see a middle aged
woman who is over weight, does not take care of herself or her home, wrinkled,
sad, lonely, and perhaps somewhat unstable.
While all of that may be true,
here’s a clue as to what you really see.
You see a mom – never again just a
woman – a mom
Who sacrificed her body and looks to
bring two children into the world and care for them
Who endured the loss of a husband –
companion – co-parent to help with those children
Who gave her heart away every day to
love them and show them what love is all about because she believes that love
is more important than anything else in the universe, in any quantity.
Who made her share of mistakes which
she bears as heavy weights as she looks at those children who have often paid
the price for them
Who now has a chemical imbalance
brought on because of the damage pregnancy caused to her body, resulting in
depression which is a never ending constant battle in her life
Who still managed to raise her
children in spite of being alone, providing them with what they needed along
the way
Who chose to do without a companion
for their sake in order to keep them safe and make sure that they were taken
care of emotionally
Who fought of the world financially,
over and over, taking hits that were devistating, loss after loss but still
managed to keep us a family
Who shielded her son from ugly
people and ugly treatment when he was most vulnerable because he was different
Who tried everything in her power to
be the best mom possible.
Who still sacrifices to give them
everything she can no matter the cost.
But who is helpless now because she
has to step back and let them live their lives, suffer their own blows, learn
their own hard lessons.
And now what you see is someone who
is alone
Who feels used up, not good enough,
ugly, and useless.
You want to know what’s wrong with
me?
I love too much. That’s the
problem.
And I am tired. And I do not want to
play any more.
So when you invite me to come share
in your lives,you need to know that it is painful.
As much as I love and want to have
any of your time I can get, it is not enough to fill the emptiness in my life
now.
It hurts to see new life and know I
cannot be a part of it.
It hurts to see love spoken with a
look between a husband and wife.
Because it reminds me that I have no
one to look at me that way.
Would I change any of the choices I
made along the way, absolutely not.
If I’m used up because I loved, I
count it a well spent heart.
But please do not ask me to stand at
the window and look in.
That just hurts too much.
And I know you will not
understand.
I hope you never do.
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