Human DNA has our lives encoded
within it.
Amid a myriad of mapping and traits
there’s a basic drive built into our essence.
Men (boys?) need an adventure.
Women need security I believe.
In my life security has been
elusive.
I’ve lived and done what was
necessary for survival.
I’ve tried to contribute.
I’ve persevered.
Now that my ‘job’ is done and I’m
free from the ‘being the mom’ focus...
What is it that I’m still here for
again??
Funny that all of the notions of
purpose and calling seem to be tied up in the helping and completing of another’s
divine vision.
Ok nothing wrong with that – on face
value.
In pursuit of security.
Looking
Looking
Nonchalantly eyeing every possible
potential form that comes on the radar screen.
And it’s radar that has been
upgraded and fine tuned to catch even the most minute movement out there.
Am I the only one that’s lived like
this?
Of course not.
Vacillating between pleading with
God and pity parties and reaching for potentials – life has been quite the
roller coaster ride of emotional pitfalls.
ugh
Introspection is all well and good
but can someone unstick my eyes from this self focused microscope and tilt my
head upwards please?
Enough already.
I’ve uncovered and focused on my
desires. I’ve jumped in and done the research and self examination and
listed and categorized and arranged and questioned and sought.
What was that scripture again?
Yes if I seek God I will be given the desires of my heart. Capturing the
promise without contemplating the condition is foolhardy.
And yet even there it was not (in my
own mind) a goal – to get my desires – necessarily. I didn’t see it that
way. I was in pursuit of God, but I was hung up at a crossroads.
What has He asked of me? How
can I serve Him and be the woman He created me to be?
All I could see was myself being a
wife. Nothing else came into focus besides helping my mate do his
calling, filling in where he was lacking, and serving him as a Godly woman.
What else are all these gifts
for? All the training?
What’s wrong with that goal/desire?
Nothing
Everything
I wasn’t blatently making that a
god.. was I?
One must get to the end of
themselves in order to see God in action sometimes.
Being broken is often necessary for
those of us who have much, are very strong, and/or have lived in the
trenches. (I know, does not sound fair does it? But then who said
fair was part of the equasion?)
Much given = much required..
right.
So?
OK
I give.
Uncle already.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m sick of struggling with myself
and getting nowhere.
How many times have I said that?
I gotta get off this merry-go-round.
And then it came at me from the
other side.
And I have a sick feeling in the pit
of my stomach.
Recalling the objects of my speculations
of the past.
ugh again!
Wondering if they felt the same way?
A subtle tectonic shift in
perspective has occurred.
Not something that necessarily shows
on the surface, nor can it be verbalized accurately.
I wonder how I can put my finger on
it even.
Focus
Perspective
Desire
Goal
Aim
Where are all my eggs?
And, once again, I see that at the
end of me, there is still God.
Not as I want Him to be, but as He
is. (well a more accurate viewpoint from my limited vantage)
That’s a hard statement.
But oddly comforting.
It’s nice that there is a bigger
than me God who is in charge.
Tossing the list.
Throwing in the towel.
Sitting quietly waiting for
instructions.
Turning off the radar.
Shutting down the research center.
Not in a manipulative angled move.
Not an attempt to ‘work’ God’s
system.
(not consciously anyway, and
hopefully not subconsciously either)
Please Lord can this be the last
time on this particular ride?
I’m getting dizzy and I’d like to
move forward if I could.....
ugh again... there’s that ugly
“I” splattered all over the place.
The weight of ‘husband’ needing has
lessened considerably.
I hope it lasts.
The weight of God needing has
increased – hopefully considerately.
But as I said, subtle tectonic shift.
Not visible from the surface necessarily.
This generation has nothing on me
for navel gazing baby.
I’ve worked my way up to the
electron microscope.
Now lets see if I can capture a more
global view – say eternity?
Sounds like a reasonable goal to strive
for.
Nothing subtle about me now, is
there...
Time to climb up out of this ditch
I’ve been digging.
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