Wow is this ever a true statement
for me...
It’s so much easier to declare a grand resolution than do the
steadfast daily marching needed to cross the finish line.
I’m not sure if I like it or not but
I know it’s true. The funny thing is that my whole being rises up and
rebels against making a declaration or even making an attempt to march daily if
the conviction is not there – because I’d rather be bad than untruthful.
Does that make ANY sense? Or is that the rebellious nature just rearing
it’s ugly head again in me?
It’s like where I am right
now. Playing this stupid game with a bunch of people from all over
creation fighting with imaginary soldiers against someone else’s imaginary
soldiers, taking their imaginary castles, and/or resources, or defending my
own. All the while not being truly interested in the castle or resource,
as much as I am in the relationships with these people. Of course there
is the time and money and effort put into building said castle/resource that
becomes valuable in itself.
There’s a lot of people in this
little computer game that are important to me simply because I’ve spent so much
time with them.
In the mean time my life
suffers. I don’t want to do anything else. My house is a
mess. I do not exercise any more. My animals get no
attention. I have few if any friends, of whom get very little of my time.
My job suffers, concentration and
commitment is diminished exponentially as time goes on playing the game.
To say that I am an addict is accurate.
But what am I addicted to?
If there is any question in my mind
as to the worthiness of time spent in Evony, it is that those souls are almost
all lost lonely people looking for a sense of value that they cannot find
elsewhere. At least it seems that way to me. (and yes I am feeling
much to my disapproval the same way) so am I deluding myself thinking
that I can somehow be ‘light’ to any of these people? Or is that just an
excuse to keep it up because I do not feel useful anywhere else? idk
There’s a problem in being so
devoted to it that everything else in my life suffers.
Yeah
And I don’t want to work. I
don’t want to sing. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t even want
to sleep. I just want to play with these people, who are crass and
worldly and sad, as much as I can.
So there it is.
I almost feel like I’m daring God to
change things.
I almost feel like I’m turning my
back on Him in a slow motion tantrum because He’s dragging His feet to answer
my pleas for my heart’s desire.
Yeah, I blame Him. I look at
myself and it seems I’ve aged 10 years over the past 2 that I’ve been playing
this game.
Losing weight has not helped.
Wrinkles are showing up where pockets of fat were previously. Skin hangs
and there are sagging parts now that used to be firm. It is highly
unattractive to me.
So I honestly wonder if ANYONE –
much less THE ONE – would be remotely attracted to me. My age is weighing
me down as well. I’m beginning to feel as though I am old. This is
new for me.
Perhaps the quazi isolation I’ve
imposed on myself has forced me to take a more accurate inventory.
I want a Viking but what I see is a
self obsessed lazy fool staring back at me from the mirror.....
There is NO way any Viking worth his
salt that would be interested. Still my standards and tastes do not
change.
And right at the moment I’d
settle. Yes I said it. I’d settle for someone that cares about
me. Anyone that would care about me.
So I figure it’s actually dangerous
for me to even venture outside of this cocoon I’ve created in my room.
I don’t even want to go into my
living room! How sad is that? And yet it’s honest.
I have no interest in reading,
praying, socializing (outside of the game) at all.
I have to FORCE myself to go to
work!
And once here, I do little if any of
the things I’m supposed to be doing.
The quality of my work is getting
poorer as well.
And I just don’t care.
I do not want to be here.
I do not want to be anywhere – truth
be told.
But the alternative is far worse, so
I continue.
In the back of my mind is a thought
that God is allowing me to bury myself.
Yes I know He has plans for me.
I know He has a future for me that
is to prosper me and not harm me.
I just don’t know what it is and atm
don’t really care.
I’m kind of just trying to use up
time here.
shrugs.
Lets get on with it, whatever it is
Lord. You are in control. I give.
But I have no energy to resume
living and certainly none to conger up any joy.
No earth shattering revelations
today folks.
Just a bit of a reality check.
And my assesment? yawn
A nap would be nice.
It does not help that I’m getting
contacts, hopefully, that I can see with – and so far none are working
correctly.
Another price I’m paying for the
vanity of having lasic eye surgery. It seems the vanity gods are vengeful
after all.
Oh well. I suppose I deserve
this as well.
It’s frustrating not being able to
see clearly.
But only to the extent that it
messes up my ability to see my computer, and play the game, you understand.
I don’t really care if I can see
anything else or not.
There you have it.
Apathy gone to seed.
Passion for life has been sucked out
of me.
It feels as thought there have been
way too many battles, and not nearly enough reinforcements sent for aid.
Oh yes – did I mention that I’m also
spending money that I don’t have for it?
Of course. Never to leave any
potential torture out of the equasion, this addiction effects my finances as
well.
yawn
sigh
snooze
tata
ciao
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