Now today it’s about a reality
check.
Looking at all the last few years
has involved.
I don’t like where I am at all.
I don’t like where I was before this
awakening either.
And I’m not sure what to do about it
other than try to force myself to stop the addictive behaviors.
I’m exhausted just thinking about
it.
I am angry
I am frustrated
I am tired
I don’t want to play any more
Mama take me home please
Ok so what, yes I am feeling sorry
for myself.
I don’t want to learn and grow any
more because it only adds demands on my life that I already cannot fulfill.
Too much stress and not enough
affirmation and comfort.
I’m too tired to even write it out.
It’s not coming the way it feels
Too jumbled in my mind and heart
with all this sadness all the sudden and anger.
All I ever wanted was to be loved.
I’m still waiting.
I’m still walking along and doing
life sometimes good but mostly not.
The ground I had gained has been
lost and now it feels like I’m going backwards.
And just now I don’t care.
Because to go forward is to heap
more on my head that I cannot carry.
So here I am living in misery.
If you want to call it living.
How stupid can I get. All
these years and I still don’t have any idea how to act.
Still have no self control.
Still want love so much that I’m
willing to do anything for it.
Still unable to make myself wait for
God to direct me.
Because I can’t hear His voice any
more.
And I don’t know what to do.
So I’m busy distracting myself with
stupid games.
What part of this is Your plan Lord?
You wanna give me a clue here?
No I didn’t think so.
I don’t deserve even a clue.
I know the plans I have for you, to
prosper you and not harm you, give you hope and a future.
So where is the hope Lord?
I can’t find it, seem to have
misplaced it, did I toss it out with the garbage on accident?
There’s meaning in all kinds of
stuff but I don’t know what it is.
Oh Lord save me from myself.....
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