Oh my goodness. This is major.....
Ok so I’ve been wanting a husband, a man that would be stronger
than me. (because I’m like a bulldozer)
And actually I’ve been wanting someone that would ‘keep me in my
place’ so that I would not have to restrain myself.
I just realized that this desire is rooted in sin. Not the
desire for a husband.
But the desire for a husband that is stronger than me, capable of
and willing to be responsible for me. That’s the sin. I’m trying to
escape my own responsibility.
That this desire is something I want because I want NOT to have to
be responsible for my own inability to use self control.
I am not using any self discipline. Wow. Why didn’t I
see this before?
The whole thing in my heart that wants someone to ‘lord’ over me is
coming from a deep desire to not be responsible for my own self. Again
wow.
Galatians 5:22-23 ...but the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy,
peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness and self
control....
Yeah there is that little part there, the ‘self control’
part. Hmmm does not seem to fit in with the rest of these.
Huge pause.
Still pausing.
Tinking
Tinking
Really tinking
Wow.
I gotta rethink this thing.
It’s huge.
I have no self control. Never have. Have all the rest
was ignoring that one.
It was not on the short list of what to work on with God/for
God.
In fact it was something to put off till I had no other choice but
to address it.
Now I’m thinking about it, that is one I’ve been trying to avoid
actually.
Ok
Ok
Ouch
Maybe it’s time to address it.
Wow
Right between the eyes with that one Lord.
Ok though.
Ok.
I see it now.
Ok.
This is one I can’t do by myself.
This is one that comes very un-naturally for me. I have not
ever had a handle on it.
It’s taking everything in me not to run away right now.
And everything is coming into focus all the sudden.
All the issues I’ve faced are boiling down to that one thing, self
control.
Yeah I need help with this one Lord.
Lots of help.
How can God give me the desires of my heart if those desires are
something that is not in line with Him?
How can I have a desire for God and yet desire something against
who He is and what His will is for me?
Unacceptable.
To desire to have a husband is not the problem. The reason
for that desire is the problem. I have been wanting a scape-goat.
Oh Lord forgive me please.
Of course You could not give me that. Oh how I praise You for
not giving me that. Thank You Lord for opening my eyes. Thank You
that I did not make a really really dumb mistake.
Wow.
Need to back up and re-evaluate things now.
Refocus on my motives for things.
Oooooh thank You Lord that you have such self control!
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