The shadow of darkness looms
I can feel it’s nearness
Just outside of my ability to see
it.
Sneaking and following me
And ready to pounce on me when I am
not looking.
Or even when I am looking maybe.
He doesn’t sleep
He hates me
He reeks of fear and doubt
He is smothered in confusion
Breathing rotten breath of despair
The hairs on my neck are at
attention
I’ve been here before
I know this place
It is the doorway to that downward
spiraling fall into nothingness
And it draws me
It sucks me in like a dark hole.
This darkness of aloneness
Evil comes in this form to me
He is relentless in his pursuit of
me
And I shudder with the thought
Even as tears stream down my face
And my heart falters in overwhelming
sadness
It is a lie, but enticing
nonetheless
I’m so weary
Beaten down and worn
No strength left
No will
No desire
No life
Yet I cling to the only thing that
can save me
I hide in my shell in the recesses
and crevasses
And fix my mind on the One
He is all I can hope on
And I have not seen His face
Or touched His hand
But this small light in me
The spirit of a God who said He
loves me
What are the chances of this being
truth?
What would be the purpose to chose
me?
My faltering stumbling headstrong
stupidity
My fear and my pain, why me?
Sure there have been jubilant dances
Celebrations of strength and
conviction
Open arms of pure love pouring out
of me to others
Which is not and never has been mine
to give
But the memories of those
mountaintop springtimes
Are faded while I am enveloped in
the dank cave of the winters frost
Trust all but gone
Faith a notion I cannot conjure up
Truth a blur of fact and fantasy
Hope a cruel joke
And love
Love nothing but a dream
Turned nightmare
All is not lost
It is all the same one day to the
next
But it is often intolerable
And the monotony is excruciating
Leaving me only to wonder
If my God has abandoned me
Though I know He has not.
These places
This darkness
Alone
In pain
Despising myself for my weakness
Angry for my lack of self control
And exhausted trying to stay afloat
Oh Lord God
You are Most High
You are my hiding place
But I am outside and lost
And alone and afraid
My voice raspy from crying out to
You
My heart broken shattered torn and
bleeding
I cannot feel You
I need You Father
I need You Spirit
I need You Lord, my precious Jesus
who also knows this place
And I cannot find any of you.
I have been beaten down
Oh God, my God
Please save me from myself
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