If
I were to have to give an accounting for my life there is but one thing good I
would be able to say: it is that I have loved.
I
have loved my children and given all I could to train them up.
Not enough on it’s own perhaps but with
God’s grace they walk with Him and I am blessed.
I
have loved my friends unflinchingly supporting them throughout their lives.
I
have loved my neighbor and given to them from my heart, but not all I
could. To my shame.
But
I have not loved myself.....
And
worst of all I have not loved my God with all my heart......
Oh
God either You are sovereign or You are not.
Who
do I put my faith in?
Circumstances
do not determine reality.
What
do I believe?
Who
Jesus is and was and will ever be (time deliminated only by me, not Him). ?
Jesus
is the Christ of salvation but also the coming King of judgment.
He
is even now the two edged sword that cuts to the very core of my heart and
soul.
I
fear for what He finds there. I must
live and walk in the knowledge that He is my judge.
He
is coming in the clouds to retrieve the purchased bride of His love and bring
us home to His Father.
He
will call out to us and we will rise up and be together forever.
That
will be an immediate putting off of our earthly hindrances and a liberation from
the sin filled lives we have lived here.
And
we will find ourselves naked and bare before Him in all that our lives have
been, every deed, every motive, every thought.
Sobering
to say the least. I fear what will be
revealed in that moment that I stand before Him in love, in shame, in glory, in
sorrow, in joy, and in fear.
There
is no condemnation from Him – which is somehow worse than what I might feel if
my payment for all these shortcomings were to have been on my own tab.
But
no. He is the One that paid it.
And
now He surveys His purchase.
Oh
that I could present to Him something more than what I have been.
I
wonder how I might live in that light?
I
fear my weakness toward my own fleshly desires will never allow me to give a
better gift to Him.
My
Lord and my God I desire to be all and only Yours.
Perhaps
that is not possible on this side,,,, and yet?
I
pray for strength to deny myself and reject the desires that have led me about
as if on a leash.
Severe
it Oh Lord! Set me free from myself!!!
And
so I look in the mirror and see this 55 year old woman (soon to be 56!) who has
accomplished little in this life for Him.
And I think of my purpose and what it might be. And I ask with hot tears “Is there still
time?” can I still fulfill Your design
and desire for my life? My heart reaches
out for an answer yet I have none but the words given to me 4 years ago that He
would restore the years the locust has stolen.
Joel.
God
in His continuing grace throughout time given given given over and over and
over to us of whom have a constant pension towards obstinacies in our
selfishness. Us who worship our own
desires rather than His love. Us who are
idolaters and whoremongers and full of deceit.
Us who run after all but Him.
He
still gives the promise that He will keep His Word.
He
is covenant.
He
said if we will turn from our idols and worship Him that he will restore
us.
I
wonder if that restoration would include the removal of all the scars and
bagging skin left from the bloated selves we had become?
Doubtless
it will leave the memories for our perusal and study in hopes that we would
learn from those errors.
And
doubtless also we, though we are aware of the price of our sins, will still
fall headlong into them over and over again.
How
can this God have such mercy? How can
this Sovereign love so deeply?
It
is beyond comprehension or understanding.
Where
is this place that I can walk beside You and know You? How can I spend my life beside you - always
in Your presence and under Your wings?
Oh to be Your companion.
Three
steps forward and two steps back I come to You Father Lord. Abide in me oh Spirit that my steps back
would be smaller than those towards You.
I have no illusion of making headway on my own without Your help. I know that without You there is only sinking
into the abyss again forever lost to myself.
So
a perusal of my life brings sorrow for the way it might have been.
But
the good news is that in answer to my question “Is there still time?”
He
says yes, yes, yes, my love. I have
given you my Word and I do not change.
Doors
will open and I must be ready to step through them then.
Praise
to You oh God the Lord of Hosts.
Maybe one day I will be able to write in answer to the question on the accounting of my life that I loved God with all my heart.
For
that is my desire.
I
want to finish well.
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