I
was hit this morning with a huge lifequake.
I’ve
been playing this Evony computer game that involves war strategy and it is
quite the challenge for my brain. It actually gives me a headache trying
to understand how these people plan ahead and then implement those plans.
I have no idea how to do that. It’s not how I’m wired. So the same
with chess, or even pool, I deal with what I see at the moment and that only in
a reactive manner. That has been my life also. I had no plan no
map that I was following, no foresight into what would be for me in the
future. I had dreams and desires, but no thought that I even needed a
plan or to plan for anything. I’ve spent most of my life reacting to what
life brought me. It was me against the world.
Driving
to work this morning I was mulling that all over and thinking about it and God
tapped me on the shoulder and said to me “I have this, I’m the plan and it’s
all in the book, the map you need. My Word is a lamp unto your
feet.” Now it’s not like I have never heard that before, or known and
understood it. But the whole concept of pre-thinking and having direction
and a means to get to a desired end was and has always been so foreign to
me. In fact it never occurred to me that it was. It shook me up
quite a bit to realize that people do this, they make plans, set them into
motion and achieve goals. I know, duh! Right? But that is not how I
think and never have. I’ve always lived in the moment more or less.
So
all that got me thinking that well hey then somebody had to be planning for
me. There is no way that I ended up where I am by chance. Look at
all that God has given me. He did have it, He did have a plan for me, for
just me, personally, with all the details worked out ahead of time down to the
nanosecond. It’s so far beyond my brain that I am reeling with those
thoughts. He knows the plans He has for me and they are to prosper me and
not harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. He has been in control
all along and I can relax now and not fret about any of it. I could have
relaxed before but I didn’t know it, really know it.
How
does one describe a life of being a reacter to whatever is hurled at
them? It is a very fearful place to live. It is the whole ‘me
against the world’ mentality. It is all I have ever known. No
wonder people grab what they can get at any price. No one is able to rest
in the security of knowing that they do not have to be in control. No
wonder people go to war. No wonder there is so much pain in the
world. I get it God. No one knows that You have this. Even
Your children don’t know it for the most part. How odd. How
sad. How very sad.
The
thought of never having to fight the world alone is overwhelming to me right
now. The thought that my Abba Father is in charge and that He loves me
beyond anything I can conceive is astounding. And to know that He
has always, always, always been in control is such comfort. And it gives
me such a sense of awe. Thinking of all the mess I have lived through and
how He allowed all the deep pain in my life tells me one thing. That He
trusted me with it. There are no words to express what that does in my
spirit. Almighty God knew that I would give it all back to Him for His
use. He knew my heart before it ever beat. How precious it is to
understand that there was a plan and a meaning and reason for all of it.
That I was not a victim of anything and that I have always been in His gentle
care regardless of the situation.
I
am swimming in peace and joy right now. I am aware of how much has been
given me – love – trust – care – all things that make up who God is.
This
is the first time in my Christian walk that I get God. And it’s blowing
my mind.
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