07/20/09 crown askew but still atop my head though tarnished

This sadness that overwhelms me right now is understandable when I think about it.  If not for my relationship with Christ I would be lost though.  If not for the Godly believers who are friends I could not function.
What I have learned is that if I am not in constant communion with Him that I lose sight of Him and feelings of abandonment soon follow once again.  Therefore I must use whatever means available to remain in His presence.  The most effective way for me to be in tune with Him is through His music and then through fellowship with other believers which brings me to a place where I can spend time together with Him, just He and I.  In other words, I need a constant reminder of His presence and support from others even though He is always with me and I know it.
My sadness comes from those old feelings of abandonment - they are the most destructive in my enemy’s arsenal used against me because they are the source of my deepest pain and life experiences.  That is interesting to me as I put it down and think about it a little.  The multiple situations of abuse that I suffered at the hands of others in my past was difficult but even those were eventually forgivable.  I have long since left any anger and resentment behind for those people.  Some of them have gone on and some remain, but there is love in my heart towards them now even though I must chose to remain at a distance from them in order to forestall any further personal harm.  But the abandonment for some reason most effected me.  That seems to have been a repeated theme in my life and is obviously a contributing factor with the weight it has played in my feelings of self worth (or lack thereof).  But by the same token those feelings have given me a huge amount of compassion and a vast determination to never cause any other to suffer those same feelings.  So I go out of my way by miles to make sure that I am not a perpetrator of this injury on anyone else.  I have deeply felt empathy and sympathy for those who have been abandoned as well.  For this I am grateful.   For from that dark seed that was planted seemingly to harm me I have had love grow and burst forth out of it from me by Christ’s transformation that causes me to know that though it was meant for my harm - God meant it for good.
Feelings in general have proven to be of great help and comfort to my soul when I recall the closeness I have felt in times when He was so real and tangable to me. They have ushered me into His presence through song and through the love felt from others who love Him as I do.  They have born me through times of distress because of the depth of love that I have felt from Him.  Knowing Him has meant feeling His presence and feeling His touch.  All the study of a lifetime has not taught me to love Him.  Only the quenching of the fires of yearning deep within by the love I have felt from Him has undeniably called forth the depths of my heart to tune to His heart and His will.  Love has drawn me and has held me captive.  It has quenched the burning of the embers of my despair and soothed the deep searing pain built up over a lifetime of sorrows.  It has born me on eagles wings to the heights of passionate commitment to the One who loves me beyond my deepest longings, my most cherished desires, and my wildest dreams. 
Others may discount ‘feelings’ as less than appropriate in terms of being a valuable tool to be used by Him.  But had it not been true that I ‘felt’ loved then I would not have been drawn.  If I had only been talked to about - educated about - and lectured to about - my Lord - then He would never have been my Lord at all.  It is by the heart that I have come to know Him and it is by feeling His love that He has healed me, giving me instead His heart to bear within my breast so that I can love others in return, as He has loved me.  So full is His love that I am unable to contain it's power that resides within and must demonstrate it, must pour it out into others.  Love that is Truth cannot be contained within one mortal soul to be stored up within oneself or to be selfishly used up alone.  He rescued me from my loneliness and I too must become a ‘first responder’ to rescue those who’s hearts are as badly battered and torn. 
But when I allow my OWN feelings to overtake those which He has placed in me I stray and stumble and lose site of His desires and goals.  I turn inward and implode with self destructive painful remembrances of things long ago washed with His blood, forgiven and forgotten by Him.  I dredge up hurts that even I had forgiven and set aside because of the joy of finding His love for me. 
There are days that life offers only pressure pain and bondage.  These are the days that are most difficult to bare because of being by myself.  They come less often now than they used to, but still they come.  They are not so devastating as before, but still they can be almost paralyzing at times.  Even as stubborn and willful as I am, the full strength of my mental determination falls short of the ability to forestall these sorrows when they overtake me.  But they only happen with multiple and major events now days.  Right now the loss of my dad has weighed heavily upon me and has been compounded by the losses of dads by others that I love suffered so closely afterwards.  The heavy responsibility in the situation and lack of emotional support by family and the inability of my mom to see beyond her own self also multiplies it.  And having this be the time when God sees fit to move me from my church family that I have known for so many years to ? where - adds to the difficulty as well.  Then there is what may be the least of these events - that of having to move from one building to another at work has caused additional and uncomfortable upheaval that makes me distraught.  Even the happy event of my son’s marriage and my daughter’s impending marriage come with twisted feelings of remorse over the end of mothering as I have known it.  Being a mother is not for wimps.
Isn’t it interesting that for someone that has always sought to be loved, and to love others, that I have ended up and by choice, alone.  That was of course after all of the initial retaliatory efforts to be otherwise that I had made.  Many opportunities for companionship over the years were given and rejected - so the singleness that I have chosen was not for lack of offers.  My choice was made, at least in the sense that I have not been looking for a 'someone' to spend my life with. No one had been enough for me and those who offered I either knew too well or too little.  Being alone is not the loneliness.  I am not unhappy to be so, not in terms of my daily life.  I find solitude comforting and restful.  My companions with 4 paws are enough company for my needs and they have an endless supply of love for me as well as many other attributes that humans often decline to practice. 
Or is it that I have been hiding and unwilling or unable to acknowledge that this was still a desire?  Did I think to concele it from my Lord? Or from myself?  Have I been too afraid to look at it for fear of even more rejection and abandonment?  I don't know.  But if I were looking at anyone else; it would most likely be my conclusion.
The recent change (or awareness) in my heart that God brought about was to renew a desire in me for a mate, (rather a companion since I equate the word ‘mate’ with a child producing relationship somehow and those years are long gone).  At any rate this too is strange.  I’m not and had not been seeking or asking or pleading with Him to fill a void which was not there.  At least not that I was aware of until lately.  So I must conclude that He has a plan for me in this.  Is that the correct conclusion?  If so it is terrifying to say the least.  But since my initial overwhelming emotional response to the prospect I have calmed down and am again reaching for equilibrium on this matter.  If it is His will then God will need to hit me over the head with this one to make it clear I suppose.  It seems that I hear His voice and go skipping along often running ahead of His timing and His will.  I hate it when I do that.  It makes me feel very foolish because I tend to do stupid things.  Sometimes it's good that I take Him literally and act on it.  Other times there is a nudge and I get lost in it.  At any rate I hope not to become so distracted with anyone again that I lose my focus.  The focus that I must maintain on Him.
Of course all of that calls back to the abandonment issue doesn’t it.  I know that He understands this feeling, that He felt it on the cross.  Perhaps He is trying to teach me something about how that emotion is supposed to be handled.  That is one of those feelings that I have not been able to overcome at all.  To be left, discarded, tossed aside, forsaken, is death to my heart, in whatever form.  So my ability to trust in Him whom I love so dearly was hard won over many years before I learned that I could truly trust Him.  He persevered though didn’t He.  Thank You my Lord for that perseverance.  I believe that the depths of the pit of hell would have been comforting to me by contrast of where I would have been without it. 
That is the abyss which is a constant threat, lying in wait for me to trip and fall into or be pushed off a nearby edge caught unawares.  So it seems – just as I have been lately teetering on the edge.  Oh how I try and must avidly refute and avoid that sneaking peering sly trap that would snatch me up into a whirlwind of emotional confusion and distress.  It is disguised as a blissfully romantic love promise that would distract me and draw me away only to throw me swiftly and violently - heaving me into that vast unending blackness.
So does this constitute temptation?  Like so much of what the world has to offer is it yet another empty promise that can not be fulfilled?  Is it a test?  Like Abraham am I to sacrifice this newly gifted precious seed of a dream of my hearts desire upon the alter of obedience to my only true Love?  I don’t know what to think.  I have no sight in the matter.  My usual keen senses so deftly honed for use of protection have failed me here.  Guard down and heart exposed have I presented myself to the enemy for martyrdom?
I am learning and I have learned over much time that I am not alone.  I have learned that at the least there is a Savior beside me holding me while I suffer, while I deal, while I claw my way back out of that pit once again.  There is comfort there.  But I wish I could get through this life without bloodied nails.

Ok Tracy, no, I haven't read Thursday's devotional yet.  I guess I have been avoiding it.  I'm not sure I want to know the answers just yet.  I am afraid of yet more painful instruction to wait on Him, to let go again, to learn and grow more.  It's just that I am so tired of being a good soldier.  You see how I vasilate between taking up my cross in obedience and curling up into a painful protective ball.  They say that insanity is so very close to genius.