07/15/09

Well I need to live by faith not by sight.  On His promises, not be impatient because He is who He IS.  I’m on His timetable and His servant.  All truths but why do I feel so bak then?  I know what I know and I have no doubt that He fulfills His promises.  He gives dreams to His people to bring about His plans.  Are my dreams my own or His?  Am I asking for what He will not give me?  paul asked for his ‘thorn in the flesh’ to be removed three times but was refused.  God said “I am sufficient”.  Is that the case with me.  Is this my ‘fhorn in the flesh’?  must I carry the burden of loneliness for the rest of my life?  More and more is being striped from me, family, friends, church.  I see nothing that indicates a change in my life as I live it right now.  It is not that I am looking to circumstances for the answers.  But the circumstances all point to me being alone, more and more alone for that matter.  It seems that everything I have desired has been taken from me and there is nothing left.  I know, woe is me, right?  Sadness is not just feelings, it is grief from loss and a normal response to that loss.  But the losses seem to be piling up.  Both of my children getting married, daddy passing away, leaving my church, work being so difficult and prison like, my friends dad passing away, the man who seemed to be ‘the one’ doing a 180 and delcairing that he does not want a relationship or marriage, unable to do anything about my weight because I cannot make myself do anything.  All of these things would be tolerable if they were not one right after another building upon me and pounding me down into a puddle of mush on the floor of life.  Yeah, woe is me, I guess.  I am so exhausted from trying to hold it together that I just want to sleep all the time.  I cannot be a comfort to anyone else or help to anyone when I am like this.  Is this the depression rearing up it’s ugly head again in my life.  That is a constant concern.  Must I battle the physical attack as well?  LORD You are my strength and refuge in times of trouble.  This is a time of trouble and I cannot detect Your presence.  I do have faith.  I know that I must live on Your promises.  But can I please have some help?  Everyone leans on me and I lean on You.  But there are times that it feels like I lean on thin air only.  What can I do LORD?
I am so weary.
I am so tired.
I am so weak.
I am so discouraged.