And then
there are days like this....
When I can only cry and call out to my God. I understand David so well in his passion and
in his heart of hearts that knows such deep love and commitment to God, but
also wrestles with the flesh that so often rules and over rides the desires of
the spirit. What I know and what I can
walk in are often so different. But that
depends on the day, on the hour, on the moment that I am in. So much grief lately – so much death and
pain. Sorrow threatens to overcome
everything around me and I can only hold on to Jesus. I hold on for dear life. I cry out to Him and struggle to keep Him in
focus. All of the “should have’s” and
regrets of my life whell up and come in like a tsunami to crush my spirit and
melt my resolve. I battle with myself
and in the end there is nothing left but pain.
This struggle goes on in one degree to another at all times. Most of the time I can maintain focus on the
One who loves me and that is more than enough comfort. But other times there is nothing I can do to
keep myself from falling apart. In these
times I feel so lonely that I want to disappear. Then I think of what I truly deserve as
opposed to what I have instead – the Lord’s mercy. So my soul though in pain still rejoices
because of the great love that has been poured out for me. I know that I am loved beyond what I could
ever understand or measure. So why then
is this so painful? Why am I so restless
and out of sorts? Why can I not be
grateful for this wonderful gift and be content to live in the love that has
sustained me thus far? Why indeed. That thought of course piles on more guilt as
to my selfishness and the cycle begins anew.
Viscious cycle. That’s it – I’m
in the washing machine of life. Is this
the wash – spin - or dry cycle Lord?
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