OK, so I’m learning
to crucify this flesh
So far for 55 years
it has ruled (sadly)
Unchallenged
A tyrant
Unyielding of it’s
position
Will has been weak
and useless
At least it looked
that way from where I was.
But as I re-view I
see that will has had it’s moments
Even though unaware
of it, I went through the process of raising my children
Day by day
Flesh notwithstanding
as I was able.
To be sure God played
the starring role in the event.
Because He was able
to access and give me strength from His depths.
So to now, no longer
depended on as mother, wife, or other
Here is my life, in a
cubical, in Trenton, in hiding?
Well perhaps revised
– in training – for His plan.
So I come to Him in
search of His desire for me
I come to the sea and
I find God the Father Almighty
I come home and He is
still with me, amazingly, even here.
Still I sit in a
cubical
Live in Trenton
Write what comes to
me
Save it away for that
‘someday’ when – who knows what – will happen.
They say I should be
a writer. I have heard it all my
life.
My mother paints with
oils and pastels and crafts with beads yarn and cloth.
I paint and craft
with words and song. My heart on paper.
So what of my heart
is worthy of it? What gift does my life
hold, what value?
Only that which is
reflective of God’s hand.
Cubicles are good
training ground I guess.
I’m still here.
I do not yearn to go
– but I am drawn to the beach (where all roads lead to, evidently.......) back
to California. It does seem like home
again much to my surprise.
I don’t know
why. The flesh would certainly have a
reason, but.......
I’ve given all
‘those’ thoughts feelings and dreams up, left them on the beach. At least I have given them to God – and for
now I am void of feelings.
Of course I could
conger them up again in a heartbeat if I was so inclined, but to what end? This is the first opportunity to see outside
of feelings that I can ever remember experiencing.
A very new
perspective for me and interesting, to say the least. Though I would have thought it, I am not
lost. There is no flailing about
searching for my footing as I would have expected. I miss the whirlwinds and the depth of that
place, but not the instability. I wonder
if there is passion found outside of feeling?
I don’t think I could live without passion. Desires can be squelched, pain put aside,
anger turned to peace, but passion, truth seeking passion? Oh that I could be as David and a woman after
God’s heart. I do love the passion.
Not now. Emotions – where did they go? I wonder.
I’m kind of enjoying the peace of this lack of turmoil, of being so
‘needy’, of reaching and desiring what I cannot have –
I’m almost afraid to
even go there in my thinking, least they come crashing back in and retake
control.
Peace.
Then there is this
body to contend with. Always.
So I set about to
crucify this flesh that has lorded over me.
Not out of desire to
be in control as I was wont to before.
This is different.
This is not obedience
or a sense of duty even. I can’t quite
put my finger on it.
But it is very
needful in order for me to know that God has rule and not my flesh.
Maybe that helps. Given to God and taking it back over the
years has built in me a sense of defeat.
It has not built up
my faith as it should because I have not persevered and had not grown in my
relationship with Him to trust Him enough.
Now however, having
been to the high place with Him and finding myself standing in the center of
the hurricane with only His protection from that storm has given me cause to
see truth, reality, and understand purpose better. I find myself on another plane with Him much
more in focus.
So it matters little
what He has for me in His plan for my life.
I know I will go, or stay, whatever He wills. It is not for my own benefit or purpose that
I must conquer this flesh. It is for Him
and with His strength. He is bringing me
closer to Him through it. To know that
my flesh is subject to Him and as He is built up in me there is strength that I
have never dreamed of.
That Jabba-the-hut
flesh woman lying on the couch eating drinking and sleeping is no more. Likewise the emaciated concentration camp
survivor bag of bones spirit woman that has been starved all of these years is
about to emerge more like super spirit woman, strong and able to rule the flesh
with Him at the helm – finally. My
prayer is that ego does not replace the other as tyrant over will. Lord keep me humble, as that was ever my
greatest fear.
To have a constant
diet of Him and remain steadfast in His presence pushes away everything but
that which He wills for me.
Hunger is but an ant
to be stepped on and passed by, with no further thought.
Grumbling stomach a
reminder to say His name again and praise Him for who He is.
Smells of food others
have around me, to remind me of the incense that my sacrifice of obedience
brings to His nostrils. I pray it is a
pleasant fragrance for Him to enjoy.
Advertisements that
would have before caused me to run to the fridge, bring pictures to my mind of
that most Holy throne where my Father sits above the nations beckoning me to
come into His presence.
How trivial all else
is in comparison.
Still I am in Trenton
and in a cubical day after day writing and thinking and perhaps training?
I am uneasy and have
unrest here, but it is not time, yet, to move on.
So
I wait.
I write.
I crucify this flesh
(body emotions mind and ego).
I seek His face.
I feed my spirit with
His Word
I sing His praises
and worship Him.
I focus on His
desires.
I love those around
me and feed them with the gifts He has given me.
Perhaps training is
not so bad after all.
Many are touched by
Him if I allow myself to be yielded and willing to open my heart to them.
I am reminded of
those of whom my life has touched and am grateful for this – an offering that I
can bring to Him.
There are far more than
I would have imagined. So thankfully, I
love – as He reveals Himself to me and lays out the need before me.
Perhaps I can be that
leaking bucket carried down the paths of their lives watering them with living
water from His spring of hope.
Thankfully I have not
been a simple sponge, soaking it all in to keep for myself.
And thankfully He has
deemed me worthy to be called by His name, an ambassador of the Kingdom, right
where I am, just as I am, in this time, here.
What does the future
hold? Who knows? (ya always never know? Thanks Marc) Right now
I am where He has me and I am content to grow here.
I am happy to learn
His ways, grow in strength of purpose and His will. I am joyful to love those around me, so joyful
to be used to love and give my heart to them.
So yeah,
Not a bad gig.
For now.
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