My heart is being
drawn to God in new ways. The man is no longer in focus but in the
periphery. I cannot hold on to him and keep him close to me.
I stayed home
yesterday and played my game. Mostly cause it was snowing in the
morning and I was not sure if it was going to be difficult to get there and
back. There are two guys on that game that are ‘interested’ in
me. Not just the little boy Eoin (man just I love that name!). We
had a chat on line with our real voices last nite, some of the
‘officers’. It’s interesting to hear the voices that go with the words
people write in the chat. I’m trying to keep that game in right
proportion – as a game just for fun. It is a kind of black hole that
tries to suck me in though and it’s hard! However God is using it to
teach me as well.
Like the part
about my inability to strategize (which was news to me lol!). These guys
are finding that my inability to be a ‘warrior’ in the game gives them opportunities
to be my hero and come to my rescue. It’s funny too because I’ve always
been the warrior! I’m finding it quite nice to release that stress and
just do what I do best. They all appreciate my communication and logistic
skills. I am the S1 officer, according to Aaron (who also is in the game)
I fit that title well. The S1 officer works at headquarters and manages
the information. Head of security if you will. Hehehe! Like a
book-spy I think, maybe. Anyway it’s funny how God uses what is going on
in my life. And last nite hearing voices made these people real.
I’ve got them all on my FB now as friends. It’s kind of strange,
like mixing dream and reality. I’m not sure about that. No matter,
I have no intention of ‘meeting’ any of them. But I can feel the draw of
these guys, you know? And my ears are tickled with the sound of masculine
voices.
Then I think of the man’s voice. A voice that I adore! His voice is so gentle and warm
and light and strong all at once. And I feel him pushing further and
further away from me. And I am sad for it.
Then these emails
come and I begin to wonder what God has for my life now. I am extremely
detached from my work here, both emotionally and mentally.
And Moses keeps
coming up – his path – his tests – his call. I see such parallels in my
life with his in terms of what God has and is potentially doing.
I am a woman of
God. My heart belongs to Him. I have drawings to men that I do not
even know, not serious ones, but it makes me acutely aware of the fact that I
am a woman. Not something that I was particularly ready to acknowledge up
to now, for quite a while.
I am feeling
feminine for a change. It’s interesting and thrilling and scary.
But I embrace it – albeit with trepidation.
So I am eating up
the attention of these men even in a game on the internet. What better
and safer way for God to awaken those things in me? He knows how fearful
I am of being out of control where it comes to a relationship with a man.
Not to mention the physical stuff......
He is opening my
heart to love – to His love and to understanding how loved I am. God is
not ashamed of me. You will never know what those words meant to
me.
I don’t know if
any of this makes sense. But I feel myself drawing closer to that
crossroads. And my heart is heavy that the man is backing out and placing
himself in the periphery. Yet God is on His throne. I trust
Him. I know He loves me.
Moses did not
misunderstand God’s will, he just misunderstood His timing.
What if?
God specializes in
those who are broken, feel inadequate, feel like failures.
He loves me.
My name is God’s
gracious gift (jean after john), beautiful (lyn after linda), reflective light
in bodily form (nell after helen).
["YAHWEH is gracious".
"soft, tender, beautiful". "torch" or "corposant (of
the body)","moon".]
I would live up to
my name now Tracy
It is coming Tracy
On the way home it hit me yesterday, that the body I occupy – which
I have ALWAYS hated, ever since I can remember – is something that God gave
me. it was a gift from Him to me, to use for His glory. He is not
ashamed of His creation. How Satan has sold me a bill of goods all these
years. I believed him and bought into it completely. I believed
that my body was ugly and wrong and sinful and nothing worthy of more than just
to carry me around in. I can’t even explain it. I have tried to use
the ugliness for my own gain. I have tried to destroy it. I have
tried to both deny and satisfy it. I’ve done to my body wyat I felt it
deserved as something unholy and unclean. It never occurred to me before
reading the Tozer book that God is not ashamed of what He made. He is not
ashamed of the body that He made for me. I have dishonoured Him by the
way I have treated myself. I had not understood how precious it was that
He took time to form me exactly how He wanted me to be. He sees me as His
beautiful creation and I have stompped on that all my life. I never knew
that about God. How much He loved me, how He designed the way I feel, the
way I think, the way I look. The words about Him knowing the number of
hairs on my head never translated into love for me before. It is so
humbling to think of my precious Lord loveingly forming me perfectly as He
desired, and how He was pleased with His creation. Oh Tracy
I wish I could tell you face to face how this feels. It is
deep and very personal. It is revelation that I could have never dreamt
up on my own. It is a message that all of God’s precious women need to
understand. How great the depth of His love for us. How emense the
joy of the Father with each love gift of Jesus that is presented to Him, each
one of us. We are jewels to Him. He sees us as His perfect crowning
achievement. He does not see a spot or blemish on any of us. His
eyes are of pure love when He looks upon us.
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