I
just now realized that I’ve gone thought a 30 year tangled web of theology and
religion and self indulgence that has been a great detour on my path to The
Truth.
It
has not been for naught, but it has been a common quicksand that I am beginning
to think few ever emerge from.
What
started out as the enlightenment and awakening of my spirit to the connection
with God turned into a journey through every manner of obstacle and painful
distraction. I almost lost myself in
it. I almost lost sight of the prize,
the goal. It is like I have been in a
deep trance and someone has just snapped their finger and awakened me. It’s sad and frightening to see how long it
has taken me to get out of there.
And
indeed I have not ‘arrived’ yet. But
suddenly Truth looms ahead and I can see it’s light, brighter than the sun before
me. So bright that I cannot shield my
eyes from it, nor do I wish to. I want
to run straight for it and delve into it’s depths.
Solitude
has forced me to look inward. To seek
meaning and to find the driving force behind my search. Fear has had it’s ugly grip on my life all
these years and I have hidden behind it thinking to be hidden from God. Trying to protect myself. Foolish woman.
I
sensed somehow - I knew that the path to Him would lead me through the most
painful things I could endure. I sensed
that I would have to give up all of the things that were so important to me, my
identity, my desires, my wounds, my pride, and finally my life.
I
come to this crossroad and I know that there is no choice to be made, that my
path is always and only towards the One who is Love.
I
just hadn’t realized that I myself had been the reason – the problem – for the
detour, in not seeking the relationship with Him that I really crave. I’ve only been chasing butterflies, which
turned out to be stinging wasps.
On
past that quagmire of abandoned buildings and white washed bones.
Oh
Father cleanse my heart of all but You.
Sweep out the cobwebs and wash away my sin stains. I yield myself to Your tender hand. Come quickly and leave nothing there to taint
the priceless treasure You have bought with Your Son’s blood. Heal me by Your Spirit, and breathe Your
breath of life back into me anew. I
desire to see You my God. I long to be
in Your presence.
I
run to You Father.
And
I see You running out to meet me with Your robe and sandals and Your ring.
Big
stys come in all kinds of shapes sizes colors and disguises.
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