Way-FM
Now
whether you think that it actually looks like Jesus or not, is not the point.
But what do these "artifacts" say about our faith? If we see the face
of Jesus in an iron or a grilled cheese sandwich, what does that say about our
relationship with Him? Do we see these things because we are running after God
with everything we have, and He consumes our every thought, so we begin to see
His likeness in everything around us? Or are we so far from God that He has to
put His face in front of us to remind us that He's there? Let's hope it's the
first one. And if it's not, maybe God's trying to get your attention.
Yeah! I like it. And I wonder why I do not see His face
anywhere?
Hmmmmm.........
Just listening to chuck Swindall talking from john – if you
ask anything in my name “according to my will” I will give it to you.
(paraphrased)
And God has three answers – yes – no – and wait.
And I was just thinking that if I ask God and He has it in His will
then I don’t need to worry about it at all.
Chuck was saying that it’s easier to tell if the door is
closed. That if there is a closed door do not try to push it open.
But if the door looks like it is closing then it’s a wait. I believe that I have asked according
to His will and I do not think I have gotten a ‘no’ so I guess I just need to
wait.
And the other thing is that I was thinking that I need to believe
that God has my appearance under control also. That I do not have to jump
through hoops to do it myself. I don’t know but it has been a worry for
me. Not because I do not believe God, but because it has been a huge
source of pain for me all these years. There is a lot of prejudice
against obese people. I’ve been ostracized because of it and that pain is
still fresh and real for me. It’s hard for me to raise above that and
it’s hard for me to see myself any other way. So there is another layer of junk
for me to work through. I’m realizing that if I am ever going to be able
to accept love from a man emotionally and physically I will need to see myself
as lovable in those ways. That’s a huge hurtle Tracy
Somehow I can pretty much believe that God Jesus and the Holy
Spirit love me. Those are still hard a lot of the time. They are
all ‘male’ figures and I have to sidestep a part of me to embrace that love.
I don’t know if that makes sense or not. But for me to embrace love from
a man, in a healthy way I don’t know if I can. I never have before.
Even the idea of it scares me. this is hard to admit to even you my
love. I hadn’t really admitted to myself even.
I’m about to embark on a journey that I have never been on
before. I am about to find out what it is to really be loved. I am
terrified. I am utterly terrified and right this second I want to run and
hide.
All the people telling me that I am beautiful, sensual, fun,
wonderful, etc. does not make my heart and mind believe it. I have been
broken for a very long time. And even in the days of my living as if I
were the ‘it’ girl I didn’t believe it. I always thought that I had them
all fooled and so just in a little while they will see me for what I really
am. Do you understand?
The prospect of having someone else in me, in my heart and mind and
body is beyond terrifying. To be that exposed fills me with dread.
And yet it is exactly what I long for. It is exactly what my deepest
desire is, to be totally joined with him who is my husband.
My body had become how I saw myself. Ugly – self endulgent –
unlovable. That self image is not easy to get rid of. I don’t know
how to do it.
Listening to God and how He sees me is very hard. There are
times I see it and I believe it by faith, and I want it. But I do not
know how to walk in it.
This – the lesson of my life – that I am loved. It is layers
and layers of God unpealing away the ugly that has been me and replacing the
beauty that is Him. I’ve seen Him doing it and I know it is
happening. I need much faith to go further in my knowing that I am
loved. I need to have that moment that you had with Jeremy – “you love
me” – with God.
Like you Tracy it hadn’t set in that I am loved. I wanted it,
but in a different way I didn’t and still do not know it.
I cannot get ready for my husband right now. I must run
towards God and seek for Him to open my heart to that ahhah moment with Him to
know that He loves me.
this man is not the problem, I am. I am not there yet.
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