07/10/09 Today is a new day

Tracy and I have been kind of like Job, looking to God as our God, but not knowing Him intimately – serving Him and working for Him and doing what we knew to do that was right.  (She was like this all along, I just came to it by accident I think, well there are no accidents with God).  Anyway the intimacy of God is a spiderweb that catches you unawares while you are busy going about your daily business.  It is a good spiderweb that is sticky strong and purposeful in that it is made to capture it’s prey.  Not that we are God’s prey, but that He wants to capture us in His love, to devour us with it, and to know us and be known by us so that we all but dissappear into Him.  Knowing Him in this way is the purpose of life.  Living in this knowing of His love is what we are meant to do, to be spiderwebs ourselfs, if you will, that feed others to Him.  May we never serve God again out of only obedience and duty!


I spent my whole life feeling alone even in the relationships that I had.  No one ever seemed to understand that deep part of me that was so alone so lacking and so needy.  I was going through life even as a Christian knowing God so limitedly that I was just responding to Him and what I knew of Him, and His love for me.  My response was to ‘do’ what was right, to work on ‘fixing’ myself for Him, instead of running to Him and throwing myself into Him.  I had been claiming His promises and living in faith that He would use me for His purpose.  I thought that if I was good enough that He would maybe give me what I longed for – that love – that man that would love me like He loves me.  I had my heart opened by God using Chris then by Him using Marc to bring me out of my depression.  I thought it was because He had this big thing that He wanted me to acomplish.  That there was a purpose for my life, to serve Him, a job of some kind that I would be ‘doing’. 


My relationship with Him was growing but I could not see that great love that He has for me.  I tried, but I could not see how He could fill that need in me and allow me to know that I am not alone.  I had always thought that it was a husband that would bring that fulfillment of living an example of Christ’s love for me.  But because of my deep desire, my strength and that great need, I was never able to see anyone that would be able to live up to that standard.  I was drawn to the strength of the men in my life, and to the tenderness of their hearts, and to the love that they had for me. Love has always drawn me.  But no man’s love for me would ever be enough – but I didn’t realize that until yesterday.  I had an understanding that God was my husband, and I knew that He was everything that I needed, but I never felt it, never truly lived it.  I did not have that as a reality in my heart.  But the ahah moment came when I realized that He, like Jeremy for Tracy, had been doing everything all along, throughout my life, to show His love to me.  He has such joy in us when we realize that. My ahah was that the entire time I have been living I have felt like I was too much and had too great a need that it could not be met.  Then I got it, that I am not alone.  I am loved.  I am loved as much as I have known that I needed.  I am loved more than I could ever use up.  I am loved so much that I cannot push Him away or make Him not love me.  I am loved beyond the gulf of desire that has filled me and ruled my life.


Brokenness is a wonderful tool that He uses to get us in a place where we can ‘get’ Him.  My heart is so very vulnerable right now and tender and exposed, and I am so alone in my life right now, that the only place I have to go is to Him.  Tracy has been the only person in my entire life that I have been able to be completely honest with, that has really felt me and known my innermost heart.  Because of being alone and because she was here and God using me to help her gain an understanding of His love I have finally realized that He really is enough.
I finally ‘get’ Him.  It is not about doing for Him, being what He wants, or living any particular way.  It is about simply throwing myself at Him, come what may, knowing that He loves me more than I could ever stand to know.   His love for me was being demonstrated to me all my life, big and little hints of who He was and who He wanted to be for me.  Drawing me to Himself ever so gently and steadily so that I would not be harmed.  His power could consume me so easily but He wants only for me to know His love.  He has to give it to me in very minute small doses so that I can remain safe.  His love for me is His strongest desire, that He wants me to be joined with Him.  He wants me to be part of Him engulfed in His love.


His love for me and His desire for me is so huge that what was in me that seemed too large for anyone to fill is a speck in comparison to what He wants to be for me.


He has made me and He has watched me, surrounding me with that bread-crumb trail that leads me to Him.  All through my life He has orchestrated everything in order for me to come to Him and to know Him this way.
So I had a meltdown yesterday, the culmonation of heartaches from every direction, dissappointments, joys, pain, losses, frustrations, regrets, desires.  No where else to go but to Him because He also gave me the music that reached down into my heart and exposed it all.  The passion that He has placed in my heart has been for Him.  It has come full circle bringing me to His heart where I have everything I have ever desired, more than I have ever dreamed of having.  And I know that He is so much more, so whatever else that I could ever want need or desire is already mine in Him.  So vast is His love for me that I will spend eternity soaking in it.
I don’t have to wait for love to find me any more, or work on seeking it out.  I am loved.


My ‘job’ is to love God.  My ‘job’ is to live that love so that others can see it, feel it, experience it.  That’s it.
And interestingly enough it is more than enough.


I don’t know if this is Him taking away that yearning I have had, or what.  I just know that He loves me.
Wow, birth pains are painful, but so worth it.