Funny
thing about it, healing like learning and growing comes in layers, spurts that
require getting used to. A growth and then a leveling off, an insight then
chewing on it for a while.
Learning
to understand that I am loved has been, and I imagine will continue to be, a
process of learning and leveling off.
One cannot go through it like a supernova or they will burn out, I
imagine.
But
I don’t know. And heartache comes up in
the oddest times it seems. Just when I
think I’m setteled into the leveling off, it hits me like a tidal wave.
Loneliness
– is it a disease? Is it a result of the
fall? I’m sure it is. In the process of emerging and healing
doesn’t one ever come to the point of peace? Days of joy and love are so magnificant until
the ‘day after’s’ occur. Today was fine
until I sat down after a meeting and my alone-ness hit me.
I
find myself looking for emails, wondering if this is all there will be for me.
And
my heart is so heavy today.
I
dreamed a dream the other night....
Chris
and I had married and his eyes were clear and lovely and full of all that is
good.
And
we were one and it was good. Somehow I
could see God in him finally.
But
then his eyes hurt him and the layer of tissue over his eyes pealed down and we
had to rush him to the doctor.
And
when we got to the doctor I stepped back and let him into her care.
But
she was somehow evil and she did not touch his eyes, but instead she began to
do some kind of voodoo stuff and chanting – very strange.
Then
I noticed Chris’ eyes were black and covered and all I could see was wickedness
in him.
But
I rushed to him and put my arm around his waist from under his arm and I looked
up at him. He turned to me and his eyes
were clear and blue again and all was good once more.
And
I awoke knowing that God was with me.
I
don’t know what that dream means. Tracy
when I told her said she immediately thought of the scriptures of wichcraft and
of scales on eyes. Something about rebellion
– idk.
That
dream disturbed me. I woke up with an
uneasy feeling but not bad, just aware that the Holy Spirit was using me. The first thing I thought was intercession
for Chris. And I immediately began to
pray for him. But throughout the day I
wondered if it was really Chris that was who he was. It doesn’t matter but I was no longer sure.
People
in my past, I’ve loved and held up to God, interceeded on their behalf. Chris of all of them has been one for 40
years and perhaps the main one. We have
spent lifetimes together apart. And I
had thought that he was no longer part of my life at all. I had thought to call and check on him, but I
don’t have his number any more.
The
weekend was wonderful... good fellowship with my other family. Eating and living together in harmony, behold
how plesant it is when brothers live together.
Sharing with each other of the abundance that God has provided. I felt like I belonged.
How
I have longed for a family.
Now
looking back I still long for a family to belong to.
I’ll
take the good and the bad. I’ll do my
best to be good. If only I can just
belong...
Why
does my heart ache so much today?
Why
is this loneliness so fluid and building in me?
I
am not defeated.
I
am not used up.
I
am not depleated.
I
have strength...
Or
do i?
Yes
I sit here and wait anxiously for any communication from outside.
I
can’t function fully any more.
Something...
Something...
The
romantic in me wants to think that this is darkness before dawn.
I’ve
let him go.
I’ve
accepted his choice.
But
I grieve over the loss.
Silly
– since he never made any commitment to me.
But
I hoped.
And
today I feel fat.
Today
I feel tired.
Today
I feel lonely.
I
try really hard to depend on You and only You Lord.
I
pour Your Word and worship into my being as much as is possible.
I
meditate on You and I worship You with all I am. It is not enough.
Days
go by and I am fine like this but then days like today hit me.
I
loath my life right now.
Is
this simply a ‘mid life crysis’?
Or
is it something triggered by the lady on the radio talking of abused
children... bringing back feelings I had thought were dealt with...
Or
the other lady talking about her new book and her life of not being good
enough...
And
I think of White Hawk, who I do not know, but who God has used to expose things
that I was not aware of.
What
seemed to be a developing friendship now feels finished. I don’t know why. I have no thought of him as anything more
than a friend and brother now.
But
is there a ‘someone’ out there for me?
It
does not seem so....
All
my silly dreams of a future are so pointless right now.
If
only You could hold me.
If
only EVERYTHING I am hearing lately would STOP talking of marriage and how to
treat a mate and the glories of the way God created woman from man, to be part
of him, filling his need.
If
only I could figure out where he is, if he is, or if I am to just be like this
forever.
Hope
comes and goes.
Today
I have little hope.
Little.
Not
none.
It
would be easier not to have any hope at all.
Settled
and done with. Ok I give up – no.
But
my Father said He knows the plans He has for me which include a hope.
Is
that only to include the hope of a kingdom in the future with Him?
Have
I walked in the totality of the grace given me and like Moses to be left out of
the promised land because of disobedience?
This
life is not real to me any more, yet my heart grieves.
My
heart grieves.
Oh
my God take this pain away from me.
Is
it time to finally toss that broken shattered vessen into the garbage?
I
don’t think it can be repaired again......
And
I cannot figure out if I am mother or child, sister or priest, woman or monk.
The
void grows in me even as I draw closer to my Lord.
How
can that be?
My
desire to belong deepens even as I have the greatest understand of Your
presence than ever before.
I
feel like such a wayward stranger in a foreign land wandering and wandering
without purpose or meaning.
I’m
very tired.
And
yet like never before I know You have me in Your will and You have protected me
and shielded me and prepare my way.
My
heart again betrays me.
And
time marches on.
And
I’ll go home and vegetate in front of the computer playing Evony with strangers
who I do not know but who I draw comfort from somehow.
I
guess we are alone together...
I
feel sad by this yet I cannot help myself.
Something there is not finished.
And
I listen to ‘At The Cross’ over and over, soaking it in. Trying to convince myself that I am loved.
Today
that is a hard chore.
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