Victory and delight in the Lord immediately followed by
vicious attacks from the enemy. I have been a victim of sexual &
emotional abuse and have suffered from low self esteem because I 'owned' fault
in the situations that was not mine. God has done much work in me over
the years, healing has been slow and layered, in that it comes as layers at a
time. I now know that this is done as I am able to handle it. But
several things come to mind after reading your posts.
One is that where much is given much is required. This
is usually thought of as 'good' thing that have been given, and indeed it's
true. Artistic talent is a gift and it comes with an extra amount of
sensitivity I believe. But also sometimes the 'much' that is given comes
to us as our trials in life. Our trials will always be turned into
Kingdom Equity as we grow in the Lord and allow Him to use the those lessons
and even the pain of those events for His glory. The deep love I feel for
others is a direct result I believe of the fact that I never 'felt'
loved. God has given me a heart to love the 'unlovely' because that is how
I have felt much of my life. All of the trials I've lived through I have
given back to Him - an offering - a sacrifice of praise, to be used for His
glory. This has meant re-living things that have been almost too painful
to think about, over and over, not to wallow in, but in order to give the gift
of sympathy, empathy, and understanding to someone who feels alone in their
pain. It has allowed me to come along side others that have felt
abandoned by everyone else. And so as I have relinquished my 'ownership'
of my life, my pain, my history to Him, He has replaced it with an intimate
connection that I could never have dreamed was possible. That has taken
many many years for me, and is still a growth process. Everyone has their
own relationship with Christ though and I would encourage you to give all of
your pain to Him as you are able. Sit at the foot of the cross and take
them out one by one and relinquish ownership of them to Him. It is easier
said than done, I know, but if you go through that pain the reward is amazing.
Second, and probably more to your point, I do not believe
that there is Biblical support to your question of having a demonic
possession. I believe that once you have given your life to Christ that
He lives in you and that because you belong to Him you cannot have any demon in
you. But you may not have meant that exactly...
However I do believe that there are familiar spirits, demons
that attach themselves to people - even believers - mostly unbeknownst to
them. In my case I believe that this happened to me as a very young child
during the time of the sexual abuse. I am 56 yrs old now and it was only
a month ago that it became clear to me that this was the case. The thing
I want to tell you is this: Once it was named - once I recognized the situation
and called it what it was I was set free from it. It allowed me to
forgive more deeply those who had abused me because I saw that they were not
drawn to me so much, but that they were drawn to that demonic influence. I could
see that these people were people I could forgive and even love, understanding
that they are no different than myself. That was paramount to my healing,
and freedom.
You see I had always thought that something was deeply wrong
with me, I was evil - I had always believed on some level that the abuse was my
own fault. And I know that I was not at fault in my mind but I had always
carried the blame anyway. Naming the evil I could see it for what it was
and separate myself from those abuses and also to a certain extent, the sinful
choices I had made as a result of the hopeless feeling that I was at
fault. I gave myself permission NOT to be the blame for the abuse I have
lived through.
I looked back over my life and realized certain times when I
had given in to the pressure from this oppression and had made wrong
choices. And I was able to forgive myself. I saw in a flash how -
even though the choices made were mine and I owned them - that it was due to a
large extent to the pressure of the demonic spirit that I was subjected to.
Since then I have experienced a freedom that I have never
felt before. I am hoping that this does not sound like I am trying to lay
blame outside of myself. I am still a sinner, saved by grace because of
the sacrifice of my Lord Jesus the Christ. And now the love that I have
sought all my life I find in Him, and I'm free to love others as He has loved
me. This gift that I have been given I would not trade for
anything. I am thankful for every moment of my life because I can give
them all to Him to be used for those He died for.
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