06/29/09

Death is all around me it seems.  My grief has been building and sadness threatens to overwhelm me. All I can think about is that sin is responsible for all of this.  Hearts broken, lives forever altered by the rift of separation from loved ones.  Mothers fathers sisters brothers husbands wives and children, suffer the pain of the loss and each in their own way try to cope.
Comfort is out of reach and I feel helpless to take away the pain for them.  My own recent loss was more of a relief but it is still fresh and stabbing at my heart with images of things I would rather never see again, thoughts of how it should have been, what I could have done better, guilt of what was left unsaid and undone, time spent uselessly rather than with purpose of loving and caring for them.  My heart aches and I want to just sit and cry and get it out.  But I know that would be to no avail.
Death of dreams, hopes, plans, desires.  Death of those who have been strength to me.  Now I am left to pick up the pieces and deal with all the more of life’s battering a bit more alone, a bit weakened, a bit less confident because there is no more time with them.  Words are not comfort and to march on being the good soldier still seems futile.  It all ends in death.  My enemies surround me and I am exhausted with fatigue from these battles.  Even those who should be allies have turned against me.
Oh God, my Father, shelter me with your strong arms.  Hold me close so that I may feel Your heart beating and gain comfort from the knowledge that You are forever.  I understand why this death and I know that there joy on the other side.  But I am here and You are there, and my fight is not over.  So I stumble in the race and lag behind losing ground and wanting only to rest and seek refuge in You.  But where can I go that life does not follow me bringing all of it’s torture with it to torment me in my sorrow. 
Oh my God, my Fortress, My comforter and my King, stand for me in this battle I beseech You for respite.  I faint in weariness and pain.  The blows of the enemy have hit their mark in my heart and I falter in my journey to reach Your desires for me.
There is no righteousness in me and nothing good.  Crucify my flesh Lord, burn away all the chaff and leave only purified gold that I may lay at Your feet.  Tarry with me and let me smell Your sweet fragrance that I might be refreshed.  Let me but take in the perfume of Your presence and be renewed.  Great and Awesome Majesty grant me rest to renew my strength.
But no – do not impart what is not Thy will for my journey.  Give me only my portion as You have ordained it. Make my heart clean before You and take all iniquity from me.  Mold me into the usable vessel of Your love and send me out to pour You into Your servants. Fill me that I may be poured out in Your service.  Use me LORD to wrap my arms around those who need Your comfort, speak words from Your lips and provide from Your bounty for those in need.
Oh my Savior Redeemer who Is and Was and Ever Shall Be, take my life and use it up for Your service to care for those You love.  Open my eyes to Your desires and my ears to Your voice.  Make my paths always towards You.