Coming out of the fog.
Not long ago I used to think I had
arrived, living the “Christian” life, working, going to church, taking care of
my family, giving my time and money to the church, all just the way it was
supposed to be. The perfect picture of a believer, it seemed to be the
same as what everyone else was doing. I was a good person. I was
serving God.
Funny how it had never occurred to
me that God had a plan for ‘me’. I never thought about having a personal
‘calling’, even though thinking back I remember having heard it on
occasion. But I had never personally felt a divine purpose for my life.
I guess I just figured that living the “Christian” life was what He wanted from
me. Problem was that I was coasting and I remember that I had even gotten to
the point that I thought that I had ‘arrived’. What folly!
It’s interesting how I somehow
became aware of a greater purpose in my life: not sure if it was a gradual
process of an “awakening’ but as I look back and reflect I realize that there
has been a paradigm shift in my awareness of God and my relationship with
Him. Because as of now all I can think of is to seek His purpose for me
specifically as an individual, rather than simply me being part of the general
purpose of the church corporately. I find that my relationship with God
has become so much more personal and intense: looking at the gifts and the
talents and experiences of my life I see His divine Hand of guidance that has
been molding me into the person I am and I see that He is bringing me to
becoming the person the He designed me to be. And all this in spite of my
blindness, rebellion, selfish sinful way of believing. His love is so
much more than any love that I understand, or know. What grace and mercy
He has extended to me. For I know the plans I have for you; to prosper
you and not harm you, to give you hope and a future. All I can say is WOW.
My covenant God. Awesome.
I see a God thread running
throughout my life, and now I have a subtle discontent with simply living the
old “Christian” life that I had lived before. I find a restlessness in me
that calls me to use the gifts talents and experiences of my life for His
purpose. So I am in a constant seeking mode, tuning in, if you will, to
the Holy Spirit in order to be aware of His direction for me. It is both
a global, and a moment by moment finite awareness. In this restlessness I
am no longer comfortable simply to live my life, rather, I am seeking to be
used. I am more aware of the things that have been given to me and how I
can and need to surrender them to Him for His purpose. I have been
learning to be supple in His hands.
It seems that all along, almost
unbeknownst to me, He has used me – thankfully, because otherwise looking back
I would have felt that 35 years of being a Christian was wasted on me. I
am so glad that my lack of awareness of Him moving in and through me was not a
deterrent for Him to do so. I am glad that I, having given Him my life,
was usable, and that I was able to serve even without knowing it. But
now I am learning to be aware of His presence and His will for me. I’m
seeking to know Him more and more and to be aware of what I am to be used as
and/or for. I am seeking to be more supple, more submitted, and more
obedient to Him. ‘For it’s only in His will that I am free’, to quote a
line in a beloved song. I am finding freedom in obedience to His will.
I have found sanctuary in the understanding that His Spirit has me, uses me,
lives in me.
Somehow the results of this living
in the awareness of God in my life, tuning in to Him, sort of looks from the
outside the same as it did before when I was living the “Christian” life, but
where It’s coming from has made all the difference. I no longer feel as
if I am in bondage to rules. I no longer have the attitude of serving
under obligation or to make points with Him or anyone else. There is no longer
a feeling of the necessity to live up to any standard or trying to be “good
enough”. Also I no longer feel that I am simply coasting either. I
realize that there is no coasting in the Christian walk, if it is in truth and
real. One either grows or stagnates. All through that time though
He can has and will use it for His glory, but my growth was infinitesimal at
best. I wonder what fog bank I had wandered into now... and am fully grateful
that I have been led out of it.
I am growing, but I am also aware that
I have not, nor will I ever, “arrive” in my walk. I am always going to be
a ‘work in progress’, happily becoming more like Him. I find that in this
is contentment because I know I am seeking to live according to His purpose and
not simply to exist, or trying to measure up. I am seeking Him. I
am running after Him. My Beloved.
There is joy in drawing closer to
Him, in seeking His will.
I have purpose.
I feel loved.
Apologies for all of the “I”s in
this but it is difficult to write from anyone else’s perspective. The
emphasis however was meant to be more on the wonder and beauty of the way our
Father walks us through the fogs of life to bring us to Himself.
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